Recap: Survivor 19.1

BY GARY SHERWOOD

I’m just gonna come right out and say it: I love Russell H (i.e the bald white one). He’s like the hell spawn of Michael Chiklis and a bridge troll. Yeah, I know we’re supposed to hate him, and boo and hiss and weep for all of humanity when he pours out the other castaways’ canteens and burns their clothing. But let’s remember one important thing about at his tribemates:

THEY’RE MOTHER%*&#ING DIMWITS!

You gonna tell me no one saw him get up in the middle of the night and wander off for a half-hour? How ‘bout that bimbo who said she didn’t sleep well? This is what happens when you don’t post a fire guard. Or have an IQ above your own body temperature. Or call yourself a spa salesperson and still walk with dignity.

You cannot tell me you didn’t love the Katrina story. Every con man knows it’s the details that sell a lie and that tale was packed with ‘em, right down to the color of the dog’s eyes. When Russell got to the part where the flood carried his beloved German shephard away and the girls all gasped, you knew he had ‘em. And look how easy he’s able to turn that tribe around from voting off Ashley and taking out Marissa instead when she becomes suspicious and is dumb enough to tell him so. Betsy the cop doesn’t trust him either but when asked why, she can’t answer and blows the chance to take him out early when she might still get votes. I don’t know how long Russell can keep this slash and burn strategy going, but I say more power to him. Right now he’s pretty much the only reason to tune in.

With all of Russell’s puppeteering, Foa Foa’s ostensible leader, Mick, just sort of disappeared into the background after his team won Reward. I’m sensing he doesn’t really want to be the chief. Or seen with most of these people.

As for Russell S. (i.e. the black one with Predator dreds and Brooks Brothers jacket), he appears a capable enough leader for Galu. He certainly got them fired up enough to win Immunity. Mitigating factor: he’s got the voice of Cleveland from Family Guy, and that keeps taking me out of the moment.

As for the rest, it’s just too early to tell. Shambo’s probably gonna be the designated cranky older gal who can’t get along with the kids and finds herself voted out despite posessing superior skills. And Liz will ably fulfill the Asian hotty role – a crucial component of any halfway good season - although she doesn’t appear to be having an entirely good time out there. The rest made no real impression. Twenty is just too many to start with.

In the Penthouse

Russell H., Foa Foa – See above. And admit I’m right.

In the Doghouse

Everyone else on Russell’s tribe. C’mon people, wake the hell up.

Next week, Russell continues to bring the pain.

‘Til then!

P.S. – This is the new leaner and meaner commentary format I warned you was coming. What do you think?