Three weeks ago, I wrote that I would no longer be doing a weekly commentary as my form of protest against the rut Survivor has gotten itself into.  Last season in Fiji took years off my life, and China’s dismal premiere promised even more soul-bleaching agony.  The mud-slicked whinefest which served as the second episode was little better.  It was saved only by the welcome ejection of WWE diva Ashley, one of the talent-deprived wanna-be actors with which this cast is overstuffed.  Then came last week’s surprisingly strong episode which climaxed with the termination of Leslie the Jesus-bot.  Old feelings stirred as I found myself cheering again at challenges and laughing at a couple of castaway one-liners.  (James had my favorite:  "People who sin the most pray the most ’cause they know they’re going to hell.")  And as Ashley and Leslie were two of the most insufferable castaways, rivaled only by Courtney and Sherea, I deemed it safe to pick up the legal pad and ballpoint and once more take notes from which to glean a commentary. 

Then last night’s episode reminded me why I’m still not in love with this season.  With one or two exceptions, these people are dumber than doorstops.  You need no further proof than last night’s Tribal Council.  But, as so many ex-girlfriends have told me, I’m rushing myself.  Let’s start at the beginning.

Fei Long, Day 10.  "I’m a professional poker player," Jean-Robert reminds us, in case we may have confused him with a physics professor.  He likes to fake out his opponents by starting slow and then, when their guards are down, overtake them.  So that explains why he’s now working harder in camp, but not so much the groping of his female tribe mates.   "As a professional poker player, it’s my strategy to be a pseudo-rapist and invite multiple court actions," he doesn’t say, so I say it for him.  One of the gropees, Courtney, he singles out as the weak link of the tribe.  "If she survives next Tribal Council," Jean-Robert comments, "she’s the luckiest girl in Survivor history."  Yeah, feeling your crusty meathooks all over her in the darkness, she must feel real lucky.  To underline the tension between these two winners, Courtney reacts at Jean-Robert ordering her around.  "He’s such a cocky son-of-a-bitch," Courtney informs us.  Thanks for the newsflash, girl.  Courtney continues that she hopes Jean-Robert gets voted out next.  "He is aggressive with me and I’m sick of it."  This season’s overall theme appears to be the pitting of two equally worthless jackasses in confrontation and watching them go at it until there’s no film left in the camera.  (See next paragraph.) 

Zhan Hu, Day 10.  Peih-Gee marks the day on a crude calendar the team has constructed out of the box Ashley’s breasts came in.  In a shocking development, elementary science occurs when mold grows on the rice they’ve ingeniously stored in a mud bog.  Dave, the ex-model who apparently packed his meds in his other bag, uses his patented raised-voice-condescension teaching approach to instruct his tribe how to store the remaining rice.  Even though Dave is technically correct, he’s also technically a massive dickhole who doesn’t know and/or care how he comes off to the very people who can, oh, decide whether he goes onto win a million dollars.  "You want everybody to listen to you," Sherea hollers, "but you don’t listen to nobody else, so shut the [bleep] up."  Now comes a surreal scene where Sherea picks up…what?  Shells?  Broken dishes?  Dave’s headshots?  Whatever it is, it causes Dave to run like a scalded monkey, chasing Sherea down to the beach.  He chastises her for throwing out the shells and, seriously, he’s this close to crying.  Now let’s be clear, Sherea is just as big a wipe as Dave, but I can’t get over how brazenly childish Dave gets during any situation more stressful than a good yawn.  "He’s digging himself a grave further and further," Sherea tells us, grammar clearly not a priority.  Dave confides he flipped out as he wanted to save some shells for his mother.  Yeah, ’cause seashells are really hard to come by on a freakin’ beach.  And if your mom’s anything like mine, she could live without the damn shells if you brought home a million bucks.  But Dave doesn’t think in terms we call "adult" or "rational."  Frosti advises him to mellow out a little.  He tells us Dave works really hard around camp, but he’s way too high strung.  "Crazy Dave may have worn out his welcome."  

Fei Long gets Tree Mail announcing both teams will go to Tribal Council tonight, but only one team will eat.  Jean-Robert, who appears to be getting the reformed jerk edit (first we made you hate him, now we’ll make you love him), is excited about the upcoming challenge, because "I need to eat something."

Night 10.  Both tribes file into the Shaolin Temple of 1000 Dragons or wherever it is they hold Tribal Council, and Jeff gives instructions for tonight’s Reward Challenge.  Two castaways from each tribe will use giant chopsticks to carry fireballs about 30 feet to chutes.  Once the fireball is dropped down the chute, it sets off a firework display.  First tribe to light off three displays wins a visit from a local fisherman to teach them how to feed their sorry ass selves.  They also get to kidnap one member of the losing tribe.  I asked for more Chinese culture, and they give me chopsticks and fireworks.  Whatev.  Let’s just FF to the part where James and Jean-Robert win it for Fei Long and kidnap Dave.  Just like a real kidnap victim, Dave embraces and kisses his captors.  He is then given a scroll with the clues to the hidden Immunity Idol.

Fei Long, Day 11.  James and Jean-Robert bang their beefy fists at the prospect of food.  "Escargot, dog!," Jean-Robert exclaims.  No, escargot are snails.  For a guy named Jean-Robert, you’d think he’d know that.  Dave, free of his loser tribe, "feels like [he’s] on vacation."  When James offers him a lime, he gives the big guy a sloppy hug.  Geez, imagine what would happen if James offered him a Corona with it.  "It is a spy mission," Dave tells us about getting friendly with the Fei Longs, "but it’s a spy mission for me."  Going off by himself, Dave reads the idol clues, then has to decide with whom to share it as instructed.  Any fears that Dave will dial himself down for his temporary hosts are happily banished when Courtney tells him she’s a waitress in New York.  "I miss New York sooo muuuch!," Dave mewls as he throws open his arms and comes at Courtney like a demented golem.  Way to win ‘em over, dude.  Todd can tell Dave is a few fries short a happy meal (my stepbrother owns the copyright on that phrase) but he’s being nice to the chemically-imbalanced Zhan Hu leader in order to make a good impression.  Guess it works, ’cause Dave takes the tiny gay Mormon into the woods and asks, "Do you believe turn-about is fair play?"  I experience a moment of panic.  As if this season doesn’t suck enough, they’re bringing back Jonny Fairplay?!?!  Todd answers yes to Dave’s weird question, and is rewarded with the hidden idol clues.  "If you kidnap me," Todd says, "I’ll give you a clue."  I’d say it’s a little late for Dave to get any kind of clue, but he agrees to this deal.  Todd reads the scroll.  From what we can glean off the tortured rhyming prose, the idol is hidden somewhere above ground.  My guess is in a bat cave, as the third clue mentions something about "creatures of the night take flight as they may."  And watching castaways deal with thousands of screeching flying rodents in a tiny cave will be priceless.

Zhan Hu, Day 11.  It’s sunrise as the castaways lie in their shelter.  Sunrise in California, that is.  It’s like two in the afternoon in China, and the Zhan Hus prove themselves even more worthless without a psychotic ex-model to tell them what to do.  "He was way too happy to go over there," comments Peih-Gee.  Sherea is just "glad to get him out of my hair."  But Frosti acknowledges, "Dave was really just a workhorse" around camp, and now they have to pick up the slack.  Erik, a musician from Nashville, and a castaway so dull I’m surprised he reflects light, tells us "some people…are not helping out."  Cue shot of Sherea keeping her prodigious hind quarters soldered to the shelter mat.  "Why even waste energy?"  Well, sister, why even apply for this show?  Sherea, like so many others on this cast, proves she’s never watched a single episode by cavalierly telling us, "I’m gonna ride the workhorses until their tails fall off."  On behalf of all workhorses, I beseech you to put some clothes on first.  ‘Cause girlfriend’s got some sagging issues.

Back at Fei Long, the fisherman and his happy brood pull up in their motorboat.  "This is the best rewahd that we evah hahd," drawls Denise, the Massachusetts lunch lady, as oils, spices and veggies are off-loaded.  Now here’s where we leave Earth as we know it, and enter an alternate universe where Jean-Robert speaks faultless Mandarin to the family.  Yeah, we already knew Jean-Robert was multilingual, as he speaks both English and fluent Tool.  But Mandarin?  Turns out Jean-Robert spent a considerable portion of his youth in Taiwan.  Who knew?  Well, I’m guessing the producers, which is why they cast the doughy, ass-grabbing, lawsuit-waiting-to-happen to begin with.  Nevertheless, Jean-Robert is actually - gulp! - useful as he translates the fishing family’s instructions.  (For the record, I’m guessing Hong Kong-born Peih-Gee also speaks some Mandarin, so Zhan Hu wouldn’t be totally screwed if they had won.)  Aaron and Denise go on the fisherman’s boat, and learn to tie constricting cords around the long necks of aquatic birds.  These birds then plunge into the water and bring up fish in their beaks, not able to swallow it.  Basically, it’s torturing one animal so you can eat another.  So suck it, PETA!  Back at the beach, Jean-Robert brusquely passes on the fishing woman’s order for fire, and James gets a little resentful.  Later though, he admits Jean-Robert "did good, he came through."  The Fei Longs enjoy a spicy fish feast.  Amanda says more than the food, she appreciated the "cultural experience."  I’m beginning to like her.

As the tribes assemble for the Immunity Challenge, Dave returns to Zhan Hu.  And don’t they look thrilled.  For this challenge, castaways will don traditional Chinese armor (yes!) and launch dangerous meteor hammers (yes!!) at tribal vases (oh…).  Tribe that breaks the most vases wins.  Once more, let’s just FF to where Amanda wins it for Fei Long. 

Zhan Hu, Day 12.  It’s another head-hanging walk in shame as the short bus tribe returns to camp.  By now, Dave has to know his ass is just so much new-mown grass, but does that deter him from loudly opining, in a paternalistic bad dad sneer, on how best to get parasite-free water?  Not our bipolar Dave.  "There’s very strange vibes going on," he confides.  "I’m feeling very precarious right now."  Just not precarious enough to, you know, shut up for the rest of the day.  Cornering Peih-Gee and Erik, Dave asks how they’re voting.  Both give the "haven’t decided" stall, which should tip Dave right there he might wanna start collecting those mom shells sooner than later.  Dave gets all needy boyfriend, promising he can change and prove his worth.  Jaime tells us Sherea is worthless around camp, but Dave is annoying.  Peih-Gee reminds the gang that Dave does a lot of the hard work around camp.  Sherea sees the others quietly talking amongst themselves in the water, and knows she’s in trouble.  Not enough that she should get her butt to work, though.  "Everyone pulls their weight in different ways," she rationalizes from a fetal position.  Erik speaks for the entire audience when he says, "If we could get rid of both of ‘em, that would be great."  Erik, by the way, is also a model.  Thanks for this diverse portrait of Americans abroad, Mark Burnett.

At Tribal Council, Sherea tells Jeff the tribe was able to work just fine while Dave was away.  The Probster, clearly not liking this tribe any more than we do, asks if that indicates Dave infused them with some work ethic.  Frosti admits "it’s a credit to Dave’s name" the tribe continued to function in his absence.  "I like Dave," chimes Erik, believing his fellow male model to be an asset, and not just the first part of that word.  Dave tells Jeff he’d be relieved if he didn’t have to lead this tribe, but he has "more experience and ideas."  Sherea once more defends her choice to let others do the camp work, arguing, "if we don’t save some energy for challenges, we won’t get ahead."  Dave believes she’s being shortsighted.  When Jeff pushes Peih-Gee which component is more important - camp or challenges - she admits not being able to choose, as they’re equally crucial.  Sherea keeps up with the mouth, saying Peih-Gee enjoys camp life.  "I love the challenges," Peih-Gee replies.  Sherea says she lives for the challenges and she’ll continue saving energy for those.  Time to vote.  Dave may have more experience and ideas, but you know what else he has?  More votes.  The entire squad sends their hardest worker packing, keeping the lazy attitude case who will only be a liability until the merge, and a threat after.  Like I said, dumber than doorstops.

In the Penthouse

Jean-Robert, Fei Long - He’s still a blockhead and a blowhard, but can you speak fluent Mandarin?  Didn’t think so.

In the Doghouse

Dave and Sherea, Zhan Hu - Kids, kids, stop fighting.  We hate both of you equally.

Not nearly as good as the third episode, but still better than the first two.  These people need to get hella smarter, though, before I can really have a stake in what’s to come.

Next week, "Jaime and Erik explore new territory (hot Christian non-sex!) and a twist turns the game on its head (you know it as tribal shake-up)."

For the first time this season, I’ll sign off with…’til then!

WRITTEN BY: GARY SHERWOOD