Last night after work, my "friend" Lizz suggested I accompany her to a yoga workout.  Assuming yoga was just a lotta stretching and, well, more stretching, I said sure.  Another "friend," Cassidy, said it would be good for me to sweat all my toxins out.  I wasn’t so sure about that, as I already sweat my toxins out through my writing.  But I changed into shorts and t-shirt anyway, and followed Lizz to the yoga place. 

What followed was an hour-and-a-half of suffering on a Biblical scale.  Guess what?  Yoga ain’t just stretching.  It’s stretching into limb-twisting poses that would leave Mr. Fantastic weeping in a puddle of his own super-urine.  "You will learn things about your body," cooed the instructor, or yogi, or reichfuhrer, or whatever he was called said.  And he was right.  I learned my body could scream in ungodly agony and punish my brain for making such an uninformed, cavalier decision like saying yes to a ninety minute advanced yoga session. 

But Gare, what about all those toxins you sweated out?  Let me tell ya, whatever toxins I had were sweated out in the first five minutes.  From then on, everything else I sweated was pure essential body fluids.  Despite a regimen of pushups every morning, my physique is what can charitably called "Gilliganesque."  Nevertheless, I shamelessly peeled off my soaking wet t-shirt a half-hour into the ordeal.  It still hasn’t completely dried.  Nor have my shorts.  After the session, I wordlessly hobbled to my A4 and used what little strength I had left to speed home and jump into the shower, where I stayed for the next hour.  Then I called my mom.  And cried.  Then I watched Survivor.  I could barely lift my head to watch the show, let alone grasp a pen,  so my notes are even more autistic than usual.  Nevertheless, here’s what I’m able to decipher…

We’re still at the last Tribal Council, only minutes after the ejection of Frosti, aka Frostilicus (thank you Simpsons), aka Master Ninja (thank you Mystery Science Theatre 3000).  "We have more business to attend to here," says Jeff, with the gravitas of a Nuremberg judge.  The jury is dismissed, and the tribe is told they will not be going directly back to camp…because it’s time for another Reward Challenge.  And Jeff assures us, "This is no ordinary reward."  The winner will catch a jet that will take them into the mountains, where they will stay at the Shaolin Temple.  That’s right, birthplace of kung fu.  There will be a vegetarian feast and kung fu demonstration.  "Big relief, James?," Jeff asks.  The gravedigger nods and smiles, just happy there’s no more voting tonight.  Jeff adds, "This is an opportunity very few people in the world will ever experience," and says the winner will get to bring two other tribe members.  "We’ll begin now."  But what really begins are opening credits.  Poor Jean-Robert.  Even in the opening credits, he looks out of his depth.

When we return, Jeff asks a series of questions based on Chinese culture.  Whoever gets the most correct wins Reward.  Question 1) True or false:  China is credited with the invention of the abacus.  The answer is true, and Todd, James, Peih-Gee and Denise all get it right.  Question 2) Which animal does not belong on the Chinese zodiac?  The answer is the cat, and everyone gets that.  Question 3) True or false:  99% of the giant panda’s diet is bamboo.  The answer is true, and everyone except Denise gets it right.  (Guess we know who not to leave the giant panda with next time we go out of town.)  Question 4) The capital of China is…  C’mon, everyone should know it’s Beijing.  And everyone does, except for Amanda, who has been to China twice before.  Way to not change my preconceptions about pageant contestants, Amanda.  Question 5) In Chinese culture, receiving a red envelope means it contains…  Cash!  Peih-Gee gets it, and since she was the only one to get every question correct, she wins Reward.  Asked who she wants to bring with her, she chooses Erik and Denise.

Hae Da Fung, Day 28.  A boat arrives early the next morning to pick up the three winners.  Thrilled by Peih-Gee’s generosity, Denise says, "I got such love for her right now."  But the lunch lady is also aware it could be dangerous to leave camp for too long.  The remaining four castaways agree to eat a lot while the others are off on their reward.  James brings up his Adam and Eve metaphor again, reminding his alliance the original man and woman were happy in Eden as long as they didn’t eat the apple.  "I just want us to frolic all the way to four," he says.  "Don’t be tempted by Peih-Gee and Erik.  Don’t bite the apple."  Amanda confides she doesn’t feel comfortable going into the final round "with any of these three."  Okay, James and Todd would be tough, but who wouldn’t wanna bring Courtney with them in front of the jury?  That’s money in the bank.  "Now’s the time to change the game up," Amanda concludes.

The Reward boat takes Peih-Gee, Erik and Denise to a waiting chartered jet.  On board, they dine on pistachios and champagne, and discuss strategy.  "After last night’s vote," argues Peih-Gee, "we could be the Final Three."  Somehow believing three beats four, Peih-Gee believes their bloc could vote out James and Todd.  Denise remains noncommittal, saying only, "You never know what’s gonna happen, though."

The three Reward winners now make their way on foot to the entrance of Shaolin Temple, where a pair of shaved-headed monks greet them.  Being of Chinese descent, Peih-Gee is very moved by this rare experience.  It also means much to Denise, as she studies karate and has her black belt test coming up.  When a monk asks how long she’s been studying, Denise replies eight years.  "You should be expert," the monk declares.  Peih-Gee, Erik and Denise take seats and watch a martial arts demonstration that can only be described as amazing.  It’s like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon performed live with no wires or trick photography.  Forget breaking boards; one bald stud breaks a freakin’ iron bar over his head.  There’s a clang! as it hits his skull, a piece of the bar flies off, and a thin trickle of blood runs down his face.  And the look on his face is like, I do this every morning before making waffles.  Monks just rule. 

Now little kids come out for their lessons, the Reward winners joining them.  The monks can tell Denise has some experience, and ask her for a demonstration.  These are Shaolin monks, people.  This is like Martin Scorcese and Francis Coppola asking a 19-year-old film student to demonstrate his fall semester editing project.  Denise jokes about being put on the spot, but she shows off some powerful-looking moves.  "I was impressed," marvels Erik.  "I was like, no way.  Denise - who knew?"  Denise tells us she can’t thank Peih-Gee enough for this experience.  Yay, Denise.  She deserves her moment in the sun.

As night falls, Peih-Gee, Erik and Denise enjoy a vegetarian feast (or as much as a vegetarian feast can be) and bed down in a pillow-filled room that makes me sleepy just looking at it.  Peih-Gee voice-overs the temple excursion has given her the energy to "keep on truckin’."  Looks like it’s also given her vocabulary the energy to return to 1974.

Day 29.  Rain falls heavily on the camp.  "This rainstorm is hell," Todd boohoos.  "I’m done with the rain.  Done!  Oh, my gosh!"  The Reward winners return, but Amanda’s the only one who makes the effort to greet them.  "I won’t lie," Peih-Gee says of the reward, "it was pretty cool."  She details the coolness to Todd and James, who use a small cave for shelter from the rain.  Know who we haven’t heard much from this episode?  Courtney.  Maybe our luck will hold, and she’ll keep her thin lizard lips closed the rest of the –  Nope, too late.  Here she goes bitching about how the cave is her "happy place" and she hates when others make their selves at home in it.  Like it’s their camp too, or something.  Know what, Mark Burnett?  I never need to hear about Courtney and a dank cave as her "happy place" ever again, ’cause that’s just too much disturbing imagery even for me.  Thanks for listening. 

Now where was I?  Ah yes, Todd tells Denise he’s happy she got to go on the Reward.  Asked whether they’re still tight, he assures her they are.  She then tells Todd that Peih-Gee suggested voting him out.  Todd is livid that Peih-Gee could target him, telling us he’s done with "that bitch."  He continues, "Good job.  ‘Cause now I hate your guts.  Thank you."  Right, ’cause it’s not like Todd has been planning to vote out Peih-Gee for like, oh, the last two episodes.  Erik prods James, trying to get an idea who’s going next.  James says he simply follows, "the powers that be."  The gravedigger continues that he’s sticking with his group and "not eating the apple."

Day 30.  Amanda asks Courtney to take a walk with her.  They find Tree Mail in the form of a target, advising the castaways to practice with the embedded throwing stars.  Amanda tells Courtney she has an idea; "We get rid of James tonight."  She explains that James is sure to win the million dollars if he makes it the Final Two, as he’s not only the strongest player but works the hardest around camp.  Then comes the best quote of the episode:  "I’m not only ready to bite the apple," Amanda smiles, "I’m ready to eat the whole freakin’ pie."  Gotta love a girl who says "freakin’", especially when she’s freakin’ hot.

For Immunity, castaways will indeed be chucking razor sharp ninja stars at Courtney.  Sorry, a man can dream.  No, they’ll be throwing the stars at man-size targets, with point values ranging 2 to 5 depending upon how lethal the hit location.  For the first round, castaways are given three throws.  The best three players will then move onto round two, where they will get only one throw.  But it turns out four of the castaways - Erik, Courtney, James, and Amanda - all tie with six points each, so they all move onto the second round.  Erik wins Individual Immunity with a three point throw.

Back at camp, James divulges, "We get rid of Peih-Gee tonight.  Then we focus on getting rid of Erik.  Then it’s all cake from there."  Oh, grave digger, wake up and smell the coffin.  I mean coffee!  Amanda tells Todd her idea to blindside James tonight.  Todd isn’t so sure, as Peih-Gee has proven herself a tough opponent.  Still, he agrees if they are gonna get rid of James, better to do it now when he doesn’t see it coming.  Todd says he’ll go along with whatever Amanda and Courtney decide.  Denise warns James could bring out the idols, and the whole plan could blow up in their faces.  Todd says they’ll have to lie to James, and make him think they’re all on board to vote out Peih-Gee.  Todd confides lying to James hurts.  "I like the guy.  But I like a million dollars too." 

Assuming she’s a goner, Peih-Gee tells us she has "one last card to play."  She pulls Amanda aside, and asks whether she’s aware James has two Immunity Idols.  Amanda does not blurt out, "Yeah!  I’m the one who gave them to him!," as I would.  She just assures Peih-Gee she knows.  When Peih-Gee asks how, Amanda replies, "I’m not stupid."  (And she’s not, as this episode proves.  However, not knowing the capital of China is something she probably doesn’t wanna put on her Mensa application.)  Peih-Gee hastily apologizes, saying that’s not what she was implying.  She was merely suggesting now might be their only chance to get rid of James, before he thinks to deploy the idols.  Amanda nods, then gives a curt but telling order; "You just have to not say anything the rest of the day.  Just act like you’re going home."  Catching on, Peih-Gee tells Erik she believes James is going next, unless he plays the idol.  As for James, he knows Peih-Gee is working to save herself.  "That girl is on her hustle," he tells Amanda.  James doesn’t blame her, as he would be too if he was in her position.  Ow, I just got hit in the head with the irony board.  And the pain throbs as James tells us, "I’ve been the main guy trying to hold this thing together.  We get past tonight, I’m good."  James says he’s bringing the idols to Tribal Council just in case.

"Denise, you are beaming," says Jeff as the tribe sits.  Denise says the Shaolin Temple Reward gave her renewed energy.  Asked whether she’s been able to penetrate the Fei Long alliance, Peih-Gee says she’s tried, but it’s like butting her head against a wall.  Jeff gets James to admit whatever Peih-Gee is doing, it’s working as she’s still here.  But James continues they have to stick to their game plan and get rid of the two remaining Zhan Hus losers.  "Calling us losers isn’t gonna make us too happy," chides Peih-Gee, reminding the remaining players they want to keep the jury friendly.  Asked how important trust is at this point, Todd answers, "Trust is huge."  He continues with that timeless Godfather nugget, "Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer."  Denise warns, "You never know when it’s gonna be you."  James says you can only trust someone if they really need you.  Jeff reminds Peih-Gee there are only two Zhan Hus left, and Erik has the Immunity Necklace.  Peih-Gee stays cool, saying she’s always on the chopping block.  With that, the castaways vote.  When Jeff announces if anyone has a hidden Immunity Idol, now is the time to play it, James stays mute.  And Todd smiles.  The grave digger is buried by his former alliance.

In the Penthouse

Amanda - Saw what she had to do, and did it expertly.  James never saw it coming.  Much as I’ll miss Grave, homeboy shoulda known to use those Immunity Idols by this stage of the game.  Least he has a nifty pair of bookends.

In the Doghouse

No one this week.  Yeah, Courtney still bugs, but there wasn’t so much of her this episode.

Two more eps to go, then the finale.

Next week, "The tribe is overwhelmed by emotions, Amanda turns on her closest ally, and everyone’s fate is in the hands of Denise."

‘Til then!  

BY GARY SHERWOOD