Hae Da Fung, Night 30.  "Wow is all I have to say about Tribal Council," sighs Todd.  His sentiments echo the entire Fei Lung alliance after biting the apple and ejecting James.  Had the gravedigger used one of his Immunity Idols, there’s be four shallow holes being dug in the shapes of a tall beauty queen, a tiny flight attendant, an anorexic waitress, and a hulky lunch lady.  Erik calls for a group hug, his arms scooping up the pile of bones and blonde hair called Courtney.  Okay, again I have to ask, what’s this propensity for the guys wanting to fondle Courtney’s dead tree physique?  Especially when hotty totty Amanda is right freakin’ there?  Anyway, Peih-Gee is relieved the Fei Lungs may be turning on each other.  "I love it that I’m still here."  Go to opening credits.  I totally dig that pointing thing James does.  It’s like, "Screw me and I’m gonna screw you, but only a hundred times worse, little man."

Day 31, and it’s another patented Survivor storm.  By now, I fully believe Mark Burnett brings the rain machine to every shoot, because this season was shot over the summer.  I mean, I know it’s China but still, how much does it really rain in August?  The castaways huddle for shelter in the cave, or as we were traumatized to learn last week, Courtney’s "happy place."  After bitching about the weather, Todd tells us his alliance is Amanda, Courtney, and Denise.  He feels secure, but knows it could come undone at any moment.  If his alliance wanted to turn on him, now would be the perfect time.

For Reward, Jeff tells us castaways are "going to be paired up in teams of two."  Yeah, that’s usually what a pair is, Jeff.  They will then have to navigate a maze from opposite sides, calling to their partners.  First team to unite and climb the steps in the middle wins.  There are a couple of twists.  First, the teams will be blindfolded.  Second, the castaways will be paired with their loved ones.  Out comes Erik’s mom, Denise.  No, not the kung fu lunch lady, silly.  A different, less mulleted Denise.  Next is Amanda’s cute-but-not-nearly-as-yowza sister, Katrina.  Then comes Peih-Gee’s dad, Lawrence.  Is it mean, racist, or just meanly racist of me to expect her dad was gonna be another Asian taskmaster patriarch like Ron on The Amazing Race?**  I was all set for Peih-Gee’s pop to browbeat his little girl and wail how much she’s disappointed him ever since she couldn’t do fractions as an infant.  But no, Lawrence seems cool, good-humored, and supportive.  In other words, boring.  C’mon, where’s the drama?  Where’s the dysfunction?  Bet Todd’s family has some stories to tell, and sure enough, his sister Brandy comes charging out like a rhino.  The two siblings smash into each other in a tight embrace.  Todd asks Brandy how their pregnant sister is doing.  "She miscarried it, Todd."  Jeff asks what that exchange was about, and Todd replies his sister miscarried.  "Is that your other sister?," asks Jeff, intentionally or not planting the seeds of doubt with the use of the word "other."  Next, veteran actor Michael York steps out of the jungle, playing the part of Courtney’s dad, Graham.  Of all the WTF moments this season has produced, this ranks right up there with Jean-Robert speaking Mandarin.  How does a lazy brat like Courtney spring from the loins of this dashing lordship?  "I don’t do shorts," he sniffs, surveying the casually attired commoners.  Here’s your next CW sitcom right here, folks.  Finally, we meet Denise’s husband, Robert.  He’s one of those big, loveable lugs who can look right past the half-naked Amandas of the world to lock on what really matters; a tattooed lunch lady who can kick a pine board in half.  Jeff repeats the castaways will do this challenge with their loved ones, prompting Courtney to gush, "I’m sorry, dad, I didn’t know!  They didn’t tell me!"  Graham maintains his erect bearing, but you can tell this is the last time he ventures to the Orient without his trusty manservant, Indigo, to participate in these bestial games.  Jeff says the winning twosome will win a trip on a boat, with lunch and a phone to call home.  Because self-respect is something Jeff apparently surrendered at the airport, he then does what amounts to a live commercial for a certain cell phone carrier which I won’t dignify by repeating.  Let’s just say product placement this egregious is the reason puppies die.

Blindfolded, the castaways stumble through the maze and into each other, calling for their loved ones.  Amanda shows us a fascinating, if slightly disturbing, new side by making extremely loud bird calls.  Her sister does the same.  The squeaks and caws don’t help them come any closer, but they sure as hell annoy the others.  Never mind all that, how’s Graham, Duke of Courtney, holding up?  "Oh, bloody nose!," he cries.  "Bloody nose!"  It’s not clear whether the bloody nose is a result of running into someone, or just the sheer indignity of participating in something so clearly beneath his station.  "Courtney, still looking for her father," Jeff comments.  "Oh, stop it, Probst!," yells Courtney, showing dad she takes insolence from no man, no matter how wide and intimidating his bush hat.  Denise and her husband find each other, beating Peih-Gee and her dad to climb the steps first and win.  Jeff tells her she can bring two other castaways to the Reward with her.  Denise says this is a tough choice, but goes with alliance mates Todd and Amanda.  Peih-Gee looks like she’s been stabbed in the heart.  After the losers say goodbye to their loved ones and sent back to camp, Denise, Todd and Amanda are told their loved ones will also be spending the night so they can "experience what you have for the past 31 days."

On the S.S. Reward, the three winners and their loved ones enjoy a massive feast, because it’s been almost a whole day since their last one.  I have to join the chorus of other critics who feel the castaways have been way too well-fed.  Every other day has been Thanksgiving this season.  Remember the good old days when we could watch Elisabeth starve down to her ribs and spinal column in the Outback?  Now that’s Survivor.  I want that show back.  Todd and Amanda both scream when they see a chocolate cake, and honestly, I don’t know who sounds girlier.  Meanwhile, Denise gets on the phone with her daughter.  "Daddy’s here, and I smell so bad."  After the emotional conversation, Denise tells us, "It gives me the strength to keep on going."

Back at camp, Peih-Gee is pissed ’cause "I took Denise on a fat reward."  Know something?  Much as I like Denise, I’m with Peih-Gee on this.  Yeah, I know it’s Survivor and it supposed to be cut-throat, but Denise was just saying last week how much she loves Peih-Gee for bringing her to that Shaolin Temple.  It’s not like Todd and Amanda would dare cut Denise out of the alliance at this stage of the game if she paid back Peih-Gee.  Erik brings up what everyone else, including yours truly is thinking; Todd’s miscarriage story sounds fishy.  Courtney doesn’t buy it for an instant.  "Oooh, how convenient!"  Telling us, ""Todd was going for the Oscar," Courtney calls out her mimic skills (which are actually pretty good, if you caught the recap episode).  First she does Jeff earnestly asking Todd what’s wrong, followed by a tear-choked Todd going all Medea about his miscarrying sister.  She says this is worse than Jonny Fairplay’s infamous dead grandmother sympathy ruse, "’cause that was sorta funny."

The Rewardees arrive back at camp, and bring handfuls of melted chocolate for the others to lick off.  Okay, I suppose there are worse things in this world than licking chocolate off Amanda, but it’s kinda unsanitary just the same.  Still pissed at Denise, Peih-Gee "[doesn’t] feel like interacting with anybody."  Wading in the water with their sibs, Todd and Amanda high-five each other.  "They’re gonna think I’m lying," Todd comments upon his miscarried sister.  According to Brandy, the other sister miscarried just when Todd left for China.  Thankfully not wading in the water are Denise and Robert.  I mean, I’m sure they’re lovely people on the inside and all but, c’mon, this is TV.  Anyway, Denise tells the hubby that she’s in an alliance with Todd and Amanda, but they could backstab her and take Courtney to the Final Three.  Hey, guess what Todd and Amanda are plotting at this very moment?!  What are the odds?!  Todd and Amanda explain to their sibs that Denise could very well get the sympathy of the jury, whereas they and Courtney have pissed off everyone on the jury about equal. 

Day 32.  Denise says goodbye to her husband.  "You’re gonna win this," he tells her.  "My God, you smell bad."  Awww.  He gets on the boat with Todd and Amanda’s sibs and is spirited away.  Todd tells us it’s great to have family visit, but much as you wanna get comfortable and relax, you can’t because the game continues.  Denise finds Peih-Gee lying in the shelter, and explains why she brought Todd and Amanda to the Reward.  Denise explains she feels vulnerable and could be voted out next, so she had to secure her place with them.  Peih-Gee asks why she specifically picked Amanda instead of her?  Poor Peih-Gee, I’m really kinda feeling for her now.  Denise says something like Amanda seemed unhappy or…whatever.  Peih-Gee says something like maybe I should try that.  She does give Denise credit for talking to her about it.  Knowing her time is short, Peih-Gee says she has to keep winning Immunity.  And on that note…

The tribe files into the Immunity Challenge, where Jeff tells them they’ll have to "dig deep" as they’ll be tested both mentally and physically.  Hitched to ropes, the castaways will pull themselves through an obstacle course.  At one end of the course are boxes with questions about Chinese culture and history.  Whichever answer they go with has a corresponding key.  They bring those keys back to the other side of the course to…  Oh, forget it, this is more complicated than my car stereo instructions (don’t laugh - they’re in German!).  Let’s just get to the part where Peih-Gee narrowly beats Todd to win again.  "I never would’ve believed it," she says.   

Day 33.  Emotional about her win, Peih-Gee confides, "I’ve been like Underdog this whole time I’ve been here."  Sobbing, Peih-Gee’s glad she’s safe for another vote, but it’s been exhausting.  Todd confers with Denise and Courtney, telling them he’s voting for Erik.  "It’s probably the easiest vote for me."  Rowing with Amanda, Erik tells her he doubts Todd’s miscarriage story.  Amanda hints she feels the same.  Erik tells us no one seems to trust Todd, yet no one’s acting on it.  "I feel I have to fight but I don’t know what to do."  Erik and Peih-Gee agree to vote for Todd, and try to win over Denise.  Okay, Peih-Gee tries to win over Denise.  Erik just stands there like usual, while a woman does the real work.  Denise is told at best she’ll be Number 4.  If she jumps in with Erik and Peih-Gee, she’ll be guaranteed at least Number 3.  Lying in the shelter, Todd, Amanda and Courtney see Erik and Peih-Gee working Denise.  Todd tells Denise he has her back, and he know she has his.  He apologizes to Peih-Gee, but tells her he’s voting for "your buddy Erik."  Denise tells us, "Writing someone’s name down is a million dollar signature."  I’m sure that line sounded better when she said it in front of the mirror.  As thunder from an approaching storm booms overhead, Denise is caught in a classic swing-vote quandary.  "I don’t know.  I don’t know what to do."  Looking up at the thundering sky, she asks, "Can you help me?"  God answers, "You shoulda brought Peih-Gee to Reward.  You’re on your own tonight, girlfriend.  God out."

At Tribal Council, Jeff asks if she sees Denise in a different way since watching her interact with her husband.  Amanda says yes, the older woman has a "great life," and it was nice to see "the softer side of Denise."  But Denise points out being too sympathetic can be a liability at this point.  "What’s your take on tonight’s vote?," Jeff asks Peih-Gee.  Is it clear-cut, or is there ambiguity?  Peih-Gee says there’s a chance for someone "to go from fourth to first."  Oh, nice.  Let’s see if it works.  Denise answers she always feels like she’s "on the bottom of the barrel."  Asked if he trusts anyone, Todd says he has to, but he doesn’t know how much.  Jeff asks Erik if he believes he’s tried everything to "crack this alliance" and save himself.  Erik says he has, but come on.  Since when has Erik really tried to do anything other than let Jaime and Peih-Gee do the hard stuff while he gently smiles and tries not to cast a shadow?  Time to vote.  "I’m sorry I have to do this," whispers Denise as she writes a name down.  "This is probably the biggest mistake I’m gonna make this game."  Todd racks up two votes, but the other four go to Erik.

In the Penthouse

Peih-Gee - She may not have gone on the Reward, but she once again proved to have the most fire in her belly.  I hereby forgive her for throwing a challenge back in the bad ol’ Xhan Hu days. 

In the Doghouse

Erik - Utterly worthless to the very end.  Seems like a nice kid, but so wrong for this game.

Okay, the promos made it seem like this week was gonna be the long-awaited Todd-Amanda duel.  Instead, we got the dullest episode in since the merge.  Things better pick up next week.

Commercial:  Is it just me, or is the sass-talking Applebee’s spokesapple the most blatantly racist caricature on TV since the Frito Bandito? 

Next week, "Amanda targets Todd, but Todd fights back.  (Yeah, when have we heard that before?)  As alliances crumble, no one is safe."

‘Til then!

** Bonus:  Folks have been asking who I like in The Amazing Race, so here are my picks:

1)      Azaria and Hendekia (Just quit holding hands so much - you’re brother and sister for crying out loud!)
2)      Kynt and Vyxsin (But since when are goths so upbeat?)
3)      Ronald and Christina (Aka Team Real Truth Flavor.)

BY GARY SHERWOOD