After Jeff collects the votes, he says he knows the Final Three wanna hear the results right now…and they will ’cause he’s manipulated time and space to bring them all out of China four months ago to be live in Hollywood right this very damn minute! The audience lustily cheers. Yay, this sad, loathsome season is almost over! Woo-hoo!

So here’s our Final Three, Amanda, Courtney and Todd, anxiously holding hands. Todd is probably the most recognizable, although he looks barely out of puberty now that he’s clean-shaven. And for a gay man, he has lousy hair. It’s some sort of spiky, quasi-mulleted, 80’s thing which isn’t gonna land him Mr. Right anytime this decade. But if Todd looks like he’s joined New Kids on the Block, Courtney looks like she’s signed on with Bananarama. The pigtails are gone, replaced by this shaggy mop with bangs that go onto next Sunday. Oh, and she’s put on about 30 lbs., no doubt due to some post-show intervention by her loved ones. And what of Amanda, our hottest hotty of the season? She looks…okay. Not bad by any means, but just conventionally pretty, like any blank-eyed actress you’d see in a commercial for Pantene. Plus, did she get her lips collagened? To each his own, but I liked her much better with less makeup (and less clothing).

Jeff reads the votes. The first one is for Courtney. The next is for Amanda. Then we get two for Todd, followed by another for Courtney, then another for Todd. Only one vote left to read. At this point, Amanda is out of it. It’s either gonna be a Todd victory, or a tie with Courtney. Jeff reads the final vote. The winner of Survivor: China is Todd Herzog. It’s just the unremarkable finish this season deserves, but I must give props to Rachel Lee, my best friend’s Jason’s 9-year-old daughter, who predicted a Todd triumph back in the first couple of eps when her dad and I were cheering on James. "The gravedigger is gonna bury ‘em all!," we chortled, but Rachel warned us Todd was much smarter. Damn, I hate being outthought by a grade-schooler. It never gets any easier!

After a couple minutes of Todd’s greatest moments - really more a record of how stupid everyone else was in his presence - we return to the Reunion. Todd has been a fan of the show since he was 14 (he’s 22 now). He knew from watching the show all these years that he had to win over one loyal ally (Amanda), one person smaller than him (Courtney) and the strong guy (James). He repeats the relationships he formed with everyone were real and "outside the game," which I guess is Todd-speak for "It was totally okay for me to dick over each and every one of these folks without them taking it personally, ’cause I was only doing it for a fat payday."

Tape is played of Jean-Robert warning Todd he wouldn’t get his vote if the flight attendant screwed him over. "What changed your mind," Jeff asks, "and made you vote for Todd?" Jean-Robert says something about Todd’s answers at Tribal Council changed his mind, but Jeff pushes for more details. The poker player says, "I don’t know what you’re getting at, Jeff." Any thoughts that maybe the show’s editing only made Jean-Robert look like a hopelessly dumb stooge are forever erased. He says, remarkably straight-faced after everything that’s transpired since, that "[Todd] recognized me as a massive threat. He is right." Already, the laughter is beginning, and Jeff just opens the floodgates by commenting, "It’s a compliment. If true." There is nothing quite so majestic as Jeff Probst in full snarky sail. Todd gives us the newsflash that Jean-Robert loves his ego. "Did you play him?," Jeff needlessly asks. "Yeah, I played him," Todd needlessly answers. like a hopelessly dumb stooge are forever erased. He says, remarkably straight-faced after everything that’s transpired since, that "[Todd] recognized me as a massive threat. He is right." Already, the laughter is beginning, and Jeff just opens the floodgates by commenting, "It’s a compliment. ." There is nothing quite so majestic as Jeff Probst in full snarky sail. Todd gives us the newsflash that Jean-Robert loves his ego. "Did you play him?," Jeff needlessly asks. "Yeah, I played him," Todd needlessly answers.

Todd now recounts his strategy: Day 1, he made his connection with Amanda. Day 4, she reciprocated. Day 6, 7 or 8, he decided to bring on Courtney since she was both smaller than him (she could be blamed if the team lost a challenge) and was rubbing people the wrong way (she would be ideal to take before the jury). Todd gave James the Immunity Idols because he wanted the strongest person to have his back. It was a huge gamble, but Todd felt he had to take risks in this game. That leads to Jeff asking Amanda about her biggest risk, the ousting of James before he could use those idols. Amanda remembers how scary it was. "Who knows what can happen? He’s gonna kill everybody." She recalls nervously watching James looking into his bag o’ idols during that fateful Tribal Council, afraid he might use one.

"James…," Jeff begins, setting off a flurry of squeals from women in the audience. "You got fans in spite of making the biggest blunder in the history of this game," the ever-genial host continues. Why didn’t James play those idols? "I don’t know," the gravedigger answers. "It was trust in my alliance." He admits it was a million dollar decision. Because nothing puts a smile on Jeff’s face quite like making castaways relive life-altering mistakes, he asks Denise why she didn’t side with Peih-Gee and Erik to put herself in the Final Three. Denise gives some sort of lame reply, wrapping it up that she thought she’d win Final Immunity anyway. In short, she coasted the entire time until she knew she was being voted out when she played the sympathy card. And she’s not done playing it, as we’ll soon see much to our collective dismay.

Peih-Gee, who by far cleans up the nicest of any of the women, says she knew Denise would be out at four. But Peih-Gee realizes now she shoulda pushed for Courtney to be voted out instead of Todd, who had too much of a hold on his alliance. It bears repeating, Peih-Gee cleans up nice. She’s wearing a frilly red number, she’s got her hair done in a lush fall of soft curls, and I just wanna do things to her that would be so wrong yet so right. Hmm…excuse me a moment. . She’s wearing a frilly red number, she’s got her hair done in a lush fall of soft curls, and I just wanna do things to her that would be so wrong yet so right. Hmm…excuse me a moment.

Okay, I’m back. No, no need to ask where I was or what I was doing with myself. What do we got now? Oh, Courtney’s greatest hits. Jeff goes over the top, like when he claimed this was one of the best seasons ever, and says Courtney "holds the record for most one-liners." While Courtney did have some good sarcastic bits, Rob Cesternino from Survivor: The Amazon is still the all-time champ of off-the-cuff hilarity. (C’mon, anyone who called the all-female team’s beach "the camp of the vagina monologue" was some kinda freakin’ genius.) Courtney went back to waiting tables at "a popular New York restaurant" and says she’s most recognized by tourists and small children. Her theory is "little kids pick the tiniest person to relate to." Asked if she likes attention from children, Courtney remains the queen of tact: "I actually hate kids." Jeff can only laugh and say, "Courtney, you are real if nothing else." Yeah, there is still the all-time champ of off-the-cuff hilarity. (C’mon, anyone who called the all-female team’s beach "the camp of the vagina monologue" was some kinda freakin’ genius.) Courtney went back to waiting tables at "a popular New York restaurant" and says she’s most recognized by tourists and small children. Her theory is "little kids pick the tiniest person to relate to." Asked if she likes attention from children, Courtney remains the queen of tact: "I actually hate kids." Jeff can only laugh and say, "Courtney, you are real if nothing else." Yeah, there ain’t much else, but at least there’s more than there was in China. Courtney started the game weighing 97 lbs. and was 86 lbs. at the end. She claims it’s no big deal, as she comes from a small family. Probing Probst mentions she’s clearly gained weight since, to which she retorts, "Yeah, thanks, Jeff." She’s proud of herself for doing so well, as she was "totally out of my element."Moving onto Jean-Robert, Jeff says, "Your ability to read people was pretty good." He reminds us Jean-Robert saw Todd as the mastermind on Day 1, and warned the others way back when that Courtney would sneak through to the very end. Asked how the much else, but at least there’s more than there was in China. Courtney started the game weighing 97 lbs. and was 86 lbs. at the end. She claims it’s no big deal, as she comes from a small family. Probing Probst mentions she’s clearly gained weight since, to which she retorts, "Yeah, thanks, Jeff." She’s proud of herself for doing so well, as she was "totally out of my element."

is still the all-time champ of off-the-cuff hilarity. (C’mon, anyone who called the all-female team’s beach "the camp of the vagina monologue" was some kinda freakin’ genius.) Courtney went back to waiting tables at "a popular New York restaurant" and says she’s most recognized by tourists and small children. Her theory is "little kids pick the tiniest person to relate to." Asked if she likes attention from children, Courtney remains the queen of tact: "I actually hate kids." Jeff can only laugh and say, "Courtney, you are real if nothing else." Yeah, there much else, but at least there’s more than there was in China. Courtney started the game weighing 97 lbs. and was 86 lbs. at the end. She claims it’s no big deal, as she comes from a small family. Probing Probst mentions she’s clearly gained weight since, to which she retorts, "Yeah, thanks, Jeff." She’s proud of herself for doing so well, as she was "totally out of my element."Moving onto Jean-Robert, Jeff says, "Your ability to read people was pretty good." He reminds us Jean-Robert saw Todd as the mastermind on Day 1, and warned the others way back when that Courtney would sneak through to the very end. Asked how the Survivor experience affected his poker, Jean-Robert claims to be playing much better. "My reads are just sick." Ah, I’m glad for all the abuse, discomfort and derision Jean-Robert endured, he at least can take well-earned pride in the sickness of his reads. Fellow-castaways still snickering off-screen, Jean-Robert claims you’ll soon see him win $1 million in poker. ‘Cause, you know, those reads. They’re sick, bro. experience affected his poker, Jean-Robert claims to be playing much better. "My reads are just sick." Ah, I’m glad for all the abuse, discomfort and derision Jean-Robert endured, he at least can take well-earned pride in the sickness of his reads. Fellow-castaways still snickering off-screen, Jean-Robert claims you’ll soon see him win $1 million in poker. ‘Cause, you know, those reads. They’re sick, bro.

Onto James’ best-of moments. Jeff once more stretches the truth a few yards by claiming, "It’s been a long time since we’ve had such a popular player." Yeah, if by a "long time," you mean since last spring when Yau-Man was the dude d’jour, or Yul the season before that. Fact is, pretty much every season gives us someone with just the right amount of physical skills, mental quickness, and modest disposition that wins over the viewing public. This goes back to Rudy in Season Numero Uno, and was best exemplified by Rupert in Survivor: Panama. In fact, the audience loved Rupert so much, which means CBS loved him, that the big guy who was voted out shortly after the merge was given a huge check anyway at the Reunion under the guise of an audience call-in vote, and was invited to play again on. In fact, the audience loved Rupert so much, which means CBS loved him, that the big guy who was voted out shortly after the merge was given a huge check anyway at the Reunion under the guise of an audience call-in vote, and was invited to play again on Survivor: All-Stars the very next season. Of course, something that calculated will never happen again. (You can’t see it, but I just rolled my eyes so hard, I popped a blood vessel near my ocular nerve.)Jeff asks James if he’s recognized much, and the gravedigger says yes, mainly by "kids and older guys." "Really?," prods Jeff. "Just kids and older guys?" James grins, "Women too." This prompts Amanda to exclaim, "’Cause he’s a stud!" Jeff shows James’ beefcake picture from People, as well as a picture of James when he was just an 8-year-old gravedigger. Asked if he’s been recognized at any funerals, James tells about two grieving women who realized, "It’s him, it’s him. The the very next season. Of course, something that calculated will never happen again. (You can’t see it, but I just rolled my eyes so hard, I popped a blood vessel near my ocular nerve.)

. In fact, the audience loved Rupert so much, which means CBS loved him, that the big guy who was voted out shortly after the merge was given a huge check anyway at the Reunion under the guise of an audience call-in vote, and was invited to play again on the very next season. Of course, something that calculated will never happen again. (You can’t see it, but I just rolled my eyes so hard, I popped a blood vessel near my ocular nerve.)Jeff asks James if he’s recognized much, and the gravedigger says yes, mainly by "kids and older guys." "Really?," prods Jeff. "Just kids and older guys?" James grins, "Women too." This prompts Amanda to exclaim, "’Cause he’s a stud!" Jeff shows James’ beefcake picture from, as well as a picture of James when he was just an 8-year-old gravedigger. Asked if he’s been recognized at any funerals, James tells about two grieving women who realized, "It’s him, it’s him. The Survivor guy." Jeff asks if spotting a minor celebrity helped them get past the death of a loved one, and James thinks "maybe it helped them with the grieving process." Yeah, I’m burying my father, but hey, isn’t that Lorenzo Lamas? Hey, dude! Renegade rules! (Just for the record, my father is very much alive and, I kid you not, even more sarcastic than me. Lorenzo Lamas on the other hand…I have no idea if he’s still around or not, but he’s always a good punch line.) guy." Jeff asks if spotting a minor celebrity helped them get past the death of a loved one, and James thinks "maybe it helped them with the grieving process." Yeah, I’m burying my father, but hey, isn’t that Lorenzo Lamas? Hey, dude! rules! (Just for the record, my father is very much alive and, I kid you not, even more sarcastic than me. Lorenzo Lamas on the other hand…I have no idea if he’s still around or not, but he’s always a good punch line.)Jeff then tells us Denise had a different kind of homecoming. When Denise went back to the school to serve boiled meat, overcooked vegetables and Jell-O cubes, she tells us the administration said she was "too recognizable" for such an important task. Hence, she was "demoted" to janitor. Denise continues that she now has to work evenings and sees her family even less. Like you, I think, Aw, that kinda blows. So can we get another shot of Peih-Gee? But here’s the nice thing about writing this commentary several days later; we now know that Denise was completely and utterly full of crap. Turns out last spring she requested the janitorial gig, But here’s the nice thing about writing this commentary several days later; we now know that Denise was completely and utterly full of crap. Turns out last spring she requested the janitorial gig, which was a promotion, with more pay and better benefits. Plus the school graciously gave her a leave of absence to film, with more pay and better benefits. Plus the school graciously gave her a leave of absence to film Survivor. This is the same woman who scolded Todd and Amanda with these words: "If you can lie that easily, your conscience needs to be cleansed." Denise, you suck so hard, light disappears around you. Now get those urinals nice and sparkly, ’cause I wanna admire my regal jaw line when I pee. . This is the same woman who scolded Todd and Amanda with these words: "If you can lie that easily, your conscience needs to be cleansed." Denise, you suck so hard, light disappears around you. Now get those urinals nice and sparkly, ’cause I wanna admire my regal jaw line when I pee.

Because we’re still under the impression Denise is some sorta Dickensian martyr, Jeff asks Courtney about her already-infamous "sucks at life" comment. How dare you demean this saintly earth mother! Courtney flips her bangs and mutters that she’s already apologized, and they love each other. I like to think Courtney knows the truth and is giving this maudlin episode the lack of gravity it deserves.

Still under the spell of Denise, Jeff asks about the mullet. He believes it’s truly endearing why she wears her hair like a roadie for 38 Special. Denise explains she has to keep her hair short to work in the cafeteria, ’cause apparently the technology that gave us the hairnet has not made its way up to the rural badlands of Douglas, Massachusetts. But she also wants to look like a woman for her husband’s pleasure. Okay, first: Ew. Second: If you have to keep your hair short, how does growing it long in the back adhere to that requirement? I’m confused about something I have absolutely no interest in.

Because we’re all mildly nauseous with the mental picture of a spawning Denise, Jeff thinks he can make everything right by asking about the mating habits of some pretty people. He asks Jaime, who apparently fell asleep in the tanning bed, how things are going with her and Erik. All Jaime needs to say is, "Things are going good, thanks for asking." Instead, we get some long ass babble about going to parents houses and living twenty minutes apart and God knows what else ’cause it’s almost 11 o’clock and I have to get up for work tomorrow. Jeff mercifully cuts to the chase to ask if they’re dating, and Jaime confirms they are. "So, Erik," Jeff says, "on the show it was very clear you are a virgin." He asks whether that’s still the case. "Of course," answers Erik, and I get the feeling things are gonna remain that way for awhile. Hey, if you have to give it up, Erik, you could do worse. I know I have. James once again laughs, and says the only thing better than a million dollars is a million dollars and some uhn! Easy, Grave, don’t be ruining your crown prince of cool vibe by turning into a man pig before Jeff reads the result of that Sprint most popular player poll. Easy, Grave, don’t be ruining your crown prince of cool vibe by turning into a man pig before Jeff reads the result of that Sprint most popular player poll.

Jeff now has some quick questions for the lesser castaways:

Why did Crazy Dave get naked at the wrestling challenge? Dave answers he thought it would give him a psychological advantage against a big "boy" like James. You can sense the uh-oh factor for a split second after he says it, but everyone overlooks the slip because Dave is such a loser to begin with, why not let him go out looking like a vacant-eyed closet racist. factor for a split second after he says it, but everyone overlooks the slip because Dave is such a loser to begin with, why not let him go out looking like a vacant-eyed closet racist.Worthless phony wrestler Ashley is asked about her "fans’ reaction" to her being on Survivor. She says, "I have fans?" No, wait, that’s my question. . She says, "I have fans?" No, wait, that’s my question.

Jeff says Aaron was seemingly "positioned to go a long way" until that twist where he was taken from his tribe and voted out. Jeff wants to know what it’s like to have to watch, rather than still be there? Aaron is pretty okay about it, saying those who went to the end all deserved to be there.

Leslie is asked whether she feels her religion ostracized her. ‘Cause, you know, being a white Christian really puts you at a disadvantage in this society of ours. She says, "No, my mouth got me in trouble." Hey now! Leslie was too well-liked by both tribes, she claims without a trace of irony, so they had no recourse but to vote her out. If she says it enough times, maybe someone will believe it.

Jeff points out Sherea was a "fish out of water," yet she dominated at challenges. All but unrecognizable - she’s lost weight and her hair is nicely coiffed - Sherea admits once she decided she wasn’t gonna work too hard around camp, she was gonna have to perform well elsewhere.

How long has Frosti been doing Parkour, i.e. free running? Six years. Thank God I stayed up three hours to learn that.

Finally, Chicken is asked about his short but not very sweet existence. He says it was worth it, even if he was voted out first.

Now it’s time to announce the Sprint Speed Player of the Season. Believe me, it’s as painful for me to write as you to read. The winner of this thing will win $100,000. "Not a bad payday for just being popular," says Jeff. The way it worked is that viewers, the types with way too much free time, were asked to text in their votes. The three most popular castaways are Denise, James and Peih-Gee. And the winner, to absolutely no one’s surprise, is James. Not like we haven’t seen this before, eh Rupert?

"One more last minute thing," Jeff announces. Apparently Mark Burnett, the ex-British paratroop-turned-TV-producer who probably thinks he’s as savvy as they come and nobody’s fool, has not only bought Denise’s whopper about being "demoted" but he’s giving her $50,000. What a wonderful lesson to impart to the children watching. If you lie about your desperate circumstances long enough, some sucker’s bound to believe it eventually and cut you a massive check. My Christmas wish is for Denise to find a pink slip on her vomit bucket.

That’s it for the Reunion. I’ve made a list of all the topics Jeff never got to but should have:

1) How did Leslie feel about James’ comment that the people who pray the most, sin the most?

2) How did Courtney feel about mocking the story of Todd’s sister miscarrying after finding out it was true?

3) Why was Amanda’s ass tiled out every episode? I re-watched the footage like it was the Zapruder film and I can swear there was no slippage, no butt cheek, no nothin’.

4) Why was the car challenge retired?

5) Why do people who’ve taken the time to make a three-minute video, fill out a massive application and legal release, then go through a series of interviews, act like they were kidnapped and forced at gunpoint to appear on this show? I would be perfectly happy if I never saw another castaway complain about being "out of their element" and crying about how much they miss their family. I love my family too, but c’mon, you’re only gone a little over a month. Just getting chosen for Survivor is akin to winning the lottery, so for the love of God, shut up and enjoy the experience. is akin to winning the lottery, so for the love of God, shut up and enjoy the experience.

Next season, it’s a team of new castaways vs. a squad of "old favorites." I’d be careful tossing that word around, Probst, as I’ve seen the list of old players coming back and only a couple are who I’d consider "favorites." Anyway, the deal is called Survivor: Micronesia - Fans vs. Favorites. It debuts in February, so consider yourself duly warned. And with that, the agonizing three-month experience we call. It debuts in February, so consider yourself duly warned.

. It debuts in February, so consider yourself duly warned. And with that, the agonizing three-month experience we call Survivor: China comes to a merciful conclusion. Jeff, Mark Burnett and CBS can try to spin it however they want, but this was a trainwreck of a season. The first couple of episodes were all but unwatchable, due mainly to the casting of so many truly awful people. Jean-Robert and Courtney provided enough risible moments for any season, but to also give us the likes of Ashley, Dave and Leslie was inexcusable. The season did pick up a bit halfway through during l’affaire d’Immunity Idol, and peaked with smug Jaime’s awesome ejection, but it was pretty run of the mill after that. The Fei Long alliance never broke, so there was never any surprise or suspense after James got blindsided. The castaways were kept so well fed that even anorexic Courtney complained about a food Reward. Coming after last spring’s debacle known as comes to a merciful conclusion. Jeff, Mark Burnett and CBS can try to spin it however they want, but this was a trainwreck of a season. The first couple of episodes were all but unwatchable, due mainly to the casting of so many truly awful people. Jean-Robert and Courtney provided enough risible moments for any season, but to also give us the likes of Ashley, Dave and Leslie was inexcusable. The season did pick up a bit halfway through during l’affaire d’Immunity Idol, and peaked with smug Jaime’s awesome ejection, but it was pretty run of the mill after that. The Fei Long alliance never broke, so there was never any surprise or suspense after James got blindsided. The castaways were kept so well fed that even anorexic Courtney complained about a food Reward. Coming after last spring’s debacle known as Survivor: Fiji, this show really needs to find its mojo or I’m gonna be voting myself off the island before too much longer. , this show really needs to find its mojo or I’m gonna be voting myself off the island before too much longer.

At least a bad season of Survivor usually means a good season of usually means a good season of The Amazing Race, and this current edition is one of its best. If you haven’t been watching, tune in now while the Goths and Team Real Truth Flavor are still in it.Happy holidays, happy new year, and happy trails. I’m off to get faced on eggnog while watching the, and this current edition is one of its best. If you haven’t been watching, tune in now while the Goths and Team Real Truth Flavor are still in it.

usually means a good season of, and this current edition is one of its best. If you haven’t been watching, tune in now while the Goths and Team Real Truth Flavor are still in it.Happy holidays, happy new year, and happy trails. I’m off to get faced on eggnog while watching the Christmas Story marathon on TBS. That film’s so freakin’ great, it’ll almost be worth suffering through all those promos for marathon on TBS. That film’s so freakin’ great, it’ll almost be worth suffering through all those promos for Tyler Perry’s House of Payne. Talk to you again in February.. Talk to you again in February.

‘Til then!

GARY SHERWOOD