Jeff Probst flies over the picaresque islands of Micronesia in the Survivor attack chopper.  Below is lush jungle, crystal blue water, and all manner of Animal Planet stock footage.  A canoe carrying ten Survivor fans cuts through the surf.  They don’t know it yet, but they’ll be playing against an equal number of past players, i.e. the favorites.  This is a term they throw around rather a little too easily.  I mean, was Eliza Orlins really a favorite?  Were there websites devoted to Ami Cusack?  Parvati was, and continues to be, world class eye candy, but Maxim and Stuff readers aside, was there ever a real clamor to bring her back?  On the plus side, there is one of my personal faves, Jonathan Penner.  Normally, I don’t like when they put actors on the show, as a) they’re usually just on for the career exposure, and b) they obviously used some insider casting pull that us mere mortals wouldn’t have.  But Jonathan is the exception.  Although a working character actor (check out his guest bit on Arrested Development), he is a Survivor expert nonpareil, as evidenced by his incisive and often hilarious comments on the castaway blogs.  "You can be a fan of the Boston Red Sox," he counsels, "but you don’t wanna play against the Boston Red Sox!"  My other personal favorite is Yau-Man Chan, pretty much the only reason to watch the soul-searing debacle known as Survivor: Fiji.  He says he’s here solely for the money, as the experience of spending another 39 rain-soaked days with smelly, backstabbing narcissists really isn’t all as great as it sounds.  Other favorites also give their testimonials, chief among them Jonny Fairplay, who reminds us all, "I was the best player ever."  I would think the "best player ever" would be someone who actually WON, but what do I know?

Micronesian natives escort the fans’ canoe to the beach.  Hard rain is falling sideways as Jeff greets them.  Jason Siska, a student teacher from Barrington, Illinois, says his life’s dream is to survive in the wild.  Tracy Hughes-Wolf, a commercial builder from Fredericksburg, Virginia, admits as a fan, it is surreal to be standing here with Jeff.  The host now introduces the favorites, which is not at all woefully unnecessary since we’ve probably forgot who they are in the two minutes since we last saw them.  So let’s forget the opening credits and be surprised all over again as Jeff first brings out Cirie Fields from Survivor: Exile Island.  As usual, she’s all genuine warmth and giggly smiles, and you just wanna give her a great big hug, before figuring the best way to ruthlessly exploit her.  Next is Ozzy Lusth, the tree-climbing amphibian from Survivor: Cook Islands.  He’s cut his hair to a Freddy Prinze, Jr. nub, the better to strike fear into his enemies.  Fan Erik Reichenbach, a student from Pinckney, Michigan, is glad Ozzy is in the mix, as Erik believes he is even better on the water.  Next is Ami Cusack, who did something or other on Survivor: Vanuatu.  She’s followed my man Jonathan Penner from Survivor: Cook Islands.  Like dig, he’s swapped out his Colonel Blake fishing hat for a jazzbo fedora.  Next out is Eliza Orlins, who also did something no one remembers or cares much about on Survivor: Vanuatu.  A reader reminds me I commented she was so skinny, her shoulder blades acted as fins during water challenges.  Sounds like something I’d say.  Next is James Clement, as big and bald as you remember him on Survivor: China.  "He is up until this season the biggest and strongest," comments fan Joel Anderson, a firefighter from Phoenix, who doesn’t at all look like he’s been abusing growth hormone and steroids for the past couple of years.  Striding out next is the aptly named Parvati Shallow, bikini’d decoration from Survivor: Exile Island.  Slow saxophone grinds match every thrust of her hips, or so I imagine.  Next is Yau-Man Chan from the collective nightmare we call Survivor: Fiji.  He gets the biggest round of applause.  Kathy Sleckman, who works a golf course refreshment stand in Glen Ellyn, Illinois (hey, it keeps her off the streets) tells us a fan, "I’m in awe of Yau-Man."  As we all are, honey.  And you ain’t seen nothing yet — just wait another couple of minutes.  Yau-Man’s gonna do something AWESOME.  Out next is Amanda Kimmel, the statuesque if slightly bland hotty from Survivor: China.  I liked her well enough last season.  But again, is she really a favorite?  Jeff told Entertainment Weekly they had trouble coming up with enough past female players who viewers would wanna see again.  To which I clear my throat and cough, "Stephanie LaGrossa!"  Finally, Jeff introduces the last member of the favorites, "the most infamous of all Survivors," Jon Dalton, aka Jonny Fairplay, "who already looks intoxicated."  Fairplay trots out to a scattering of polite clapping and glares.  Cute, his cap reads "Will Lie 4 Food."  When last I beheld young Fairplay in late 2003, I referred to him as a "prancing, drool-stained freak" and "shock-haired, buck-toothed devil."  And that’s when I liked him.  He and Jeff have a personal enmity that goes beyond the show (it includes Jeff telling CBS he would never appear at the same public event with Fairplay) so this should make for some interesting viewing.  "Wanna know what you’re playing for?," Fairplay taunts Jeff.  Jeff fires back, "I like that you have aspirations to get out of your place in life."  Their long-rehearsed material used up, the game continues.  Tracy tells us she hates Jonny Fairplay, referring to him as a "pig" she looks forward to beating.  Again, be patient — something AWESOME is about to happen. 

Alexis Jones, a motivational speaker from Austin, Texas, says fans vs. favorites is the "ultimate challenge," but she believes her squad has the advantage because they already know the veterans’ strengths and weaknesses.  Not a bad point.  As the rain approaches Book of Revelations scale, Jeff tells each team they have canoes waiting across the lagoon.  Also, each beach has a hidden Immunity Idol that can only be employed at the respective team’s first Tribal Council.  The tribes hustle out through the water, which appears to be chest deep so almost everyone wades.  Erik takes pride in beating Ozzy.  "Where the hell’s the idol?," he wonders as he hits the beach.  "Take your time, Fairplay," everyone’s favorite demon spawn metas.  "Slow and steady wins the race."  Fairplay finds the idol ingeniously tied to the bow of the canoe.  Now remember when I told you AWESOME was coming?  Here it is:  No sooner does Fairplay hold up the idol when Yau-Man FLYING TACKLES him!  Fairplay’s blonde noggin crashes into the side of the boat, and Yau yanks the idol out of the stunned kid’s hand!  It’s perhaps the single most beautiful thing that’s ever happened on the show.  If you gave me a choice between Parvati going nekkid the rest of the season, or an endless loop of Yau-Man almost killing Jonny Fairplay…well, I’d still choose the nekkid chick, but it would be a very tough decision.  Following Fairplay’s lead, Kathy finds the other idol.  However, there is no footage of her getting pummeled by a 55-year-old Asian man.  Fairplay tells us as sneaky as he is, he would never resort to tackling someone.  He continues that Yau-Man is not the nice guy everyone seems to think.  "Soon as that idol’s gone, see ya later, bucko!"

Airai, Day 1.  This is the fan tribe.  They introduce themselves, and Kathy immediately makes herself the designated team ass by asking Chet, "What do I call you?  Is gay okay?"  Chet Welch, a pharmaceutical professional from Ford City, Pennsylvania, politely tells the woman from the 1950’s that gay is fine.  Kathy continues that she’s never had a "gay man friend," and Chet ripostes, "I bet you have!"  More brain-skewering babbling comes from Kathy’s unhinged mouth, alienating her from the others.  "I’m sure I got off on the wrong foot…," she acknowledges.  "I can’t help myself!"

Malakai, Day 1.  These are the favorites.  Ozzy believes having played before is their biggest advantage, as they know what to expect.  Fairplay says when he first played, he was a single guy on the prowl just out for himself, but now he has a pregnant girlfriend back home he’s gotta make money for.  He tells the others he just got a message in a bottle saying his grandmother died.  The veterans get to building a shelter.  Everyone does what they do best; James quickly hacks apart trees, Ozzy cleans out fish, and Parvati wastes no time in being the island ‘ho.  She tells us her original strategy was simply to flirt but now "I’m playing smart this time."   By playing smart, she means flirting more single-mindedly.  She gets all friendly and then some with big ol’ James.  Parvati would be a force to be reckoned with if this were Big Brother or The Flavor of Love.  On Survivor, she just comes off as, well, a big skank.  As night falls, Ozzy and Amanda also get snuggly.  Eliza’s eyes narrow at all these ricocheting hormones, and she worries about the four lovebirds forming an alliance.

As darkness comes to Airai, their shelter is not complete and they get lashed by a night of rain.  Kathy hopes for tomorrow to be better, because "right now, this sucks."  And it’s here we get our first tears of the season.

Malakai, Day 2.  "I’m sleepy," smiles Parvati to her new James-shaped doormat.  "I know you are," he grins back.  Oh, dude, it’s gonna take a lot of surgery to get you unwound from that little finger.  Ami, Eliza, Jonathan and Yau-Man; i.e. those who did not sleep in the arms of someone else, pledge their own counter-alliance.  Hey, anything that brings the twin forces of Jonathan and Yau-Man together is good thing.  There is a discussion about whether they should bring in Fairplay.  Eliza is not sure that’s a good idea, but Yau argues it’s better to use him ‘n screw him now before he uses ‘n screws them later.  But Parvati and Ozzy are already talking with Fairplay, telling him they wanna vote Eliza off first.  Ozzy confides, though, that he is worried about Fairplay’s "villain persona."  As well he should be, since Fairplay now tells the not-getting-laid alliance about the plan to eject Eliza.  Jonathan argues Parvati is a bigger threat than Ozzy, because she plays a better social game.  Jonathan tells us, "I would take Fairplay to the end if I could."  For his part, Fairplay is rightly amused that nine veteran Survivors are believing all he tells them.  "Have you ever watched the show before?!"

Malakai, Day 3.  Want more AWESOME?  Here ya go:  Yau-Man (of course) puts a drop of water on his glasses to focus sunlight on dried cocoanut husks, and quicker than you can say Michelle-in-Fiji, he gets a fire going.  Eliza tells us her team is "well-hydrated, well-rested, and ready to kick some butt."

At Airai, Tree Mail promises some sort of puzzle.  Yeah, don’t let the shock knock you over.  Mikey B, a writer from Boston, says the favorites are "not looking at us as competitors.  And that’s good.  Underdogs.  We’ll take that role."

First Immunity Challenge.  Eliza tells Jeff being a veteran is a big advantage, as her tribe has shelter, fire and food.  Fairplay confirms this, saying he’s even gained weight.  Speaking for the fans, Joel finds this hard to believe.  For Immunity and flint, tribes must attach wheels to a cart, haul it through an obstacle course, pick up planks, build a bridge, assemble a puzzle from the wagon wheels, and light a wok.  Got all that?  All you need to know is this; the fans are surprisingly good, quickly getting and keeping a significant lead on the favorites.  Adding injury to insult the favorites’ wagon crashes into a tree, using Eliza’s face as a shock absorber.  It’s an upset as the fans win first Immunity.

Back at Malakai, the defeated veterans trudge back.  "These fans are so excited, so enthusiastic," Jonathan muses.  "They just had more heart."  Cirie thinks she did pretty good, but she has no idea how she’s gonna vote tonight since she doesn’t trust anyone.  Fairplay says he could align with either foursome.  Hiking with Parvati, though, he claims all he can think about is his girlfriend and unborn daughter.  He hopes she’s okay.  Parvati thinks they should make it appear they’re voting for Fairplay, when they’re really going to vote for Eliza.  Fairplay confides to Ami, "I’m not emotionally here."  Ami asks Fairplay if there’s anything she can do to get him to stay, but he declines.  Yes, someone is actually pleading with Jonny Fairplay to not leave.  It’s that kind of episode.  For her part, Ami isn’t sure whether to believe the legendary bad guy.  "If I know Jonny Fairplay," she warns as they head to Tribal Council, "he is gonna stir things up."

At the first Tribal Council, castaways get torches, fire is life, blah de blah de blah.  Asked how things have been going at camp, Fairplay simply answers, "Cake."  When queried why they lost, Fairplay has another single word; "Overconfidence."  Eliza admits past reputations are a factor in the tribe, the camera lingering on Fairplay.  Jeff says no one has a bigger rep, to which Fairplay readily agrees.  Fairplay says they’re now seeing the real him, the guy worried about his baby.  "Am I being a crappy dad by being here?"  No, I yell, you’re being a crappy dad by not marrying the mother and getting a real job.  But it’s not about me.  Jeff asks if Fairplay wants to go home.  Fairplay doesn’t say yes, but he doesn’t say no either.  All he can think about is being a father.  Jeff wonders whether Fairplay just had a bad day, and is using his unborn kid as an excuse.  Yau-Man smiles, wondering what the angle is.  "I’m serious right now," Fairplay cries, our second tears of the episode.  "And it wasn’t supposed to be this difficult."  Jonathan believes he wants to go home.  Jeff reminds everyone that the last time Fairplay cried, it was over his not-so-dead grandma.  Eliza believes Fairplay is being honest.  Asked whether he wants to give away his Immunity Idol to anyone else, Yau-Man says no way.  Time to vote.  As he writes Fairplay’s name, Yau whispers that he can provide advice on how to raise a "well-balanced baby."  Screw the baby, I want Yau-Man to raise me!  Sorry Mom and Dad, but I’ve never once seen either of you flying tackle anyone or start a fire with a pair of glasses.  Jonny Fairplay, legendary terror of Survivor lore who was supposed to be a ratings ringer, is the first castaway voted off this season.  "Can I get a hug?," he asks his nemesis Jeff, and after initial reluctance, they do embrace.  "You be nice to these guys!," Fairplay admonishes the host before he walks off into that dark night. 

In the Penthouse

Yau-Man, Malakai - Flying tackles, fire-making, baby advice.  There’s nothing this little stud can’t do.

In the Doghouse

Kathy, Airai - Dumbass cannon fodder, who’s unfortunately not going anywhere for at least the next two more episodes due to that Immunity Idol.

Commercials:  I don’t usually get into the Grammy’s but I gotta see Amy Winehouse this year.  She’s either gonna give a legendary performance, or collapse dead on stage spewing green crack vomit.  Speaking of puking, that what the ads for that Kate Hudson/Matthew McConaughey film make me wanna do.

With an upset win and the surprise ejection of Fairplay, this was the best season opener since Survivor: Guatemala back in ‘05.

Next week:  "The fans are in turmoil, the rules have changed at Exile Island, and two castaways have a night to remember."

‘Til then