Malakai, Night 3.  The "favorites" make their way back into camp after voting out Jonny Fairplay.  Somehow, Ozzy caught another fish.  Walking.  In the dark.  Like he just pulled it out of a tree.  Anyway, Eliza was afraid "something bad would happen" at Tribal Council and she’d be first voted out, so she’s relieved.  Jonathan, however, is "not pleased because it screwed up my plans."  However, he figures despite their first loss the veterans should win because combined they have "years worth of experience" surviving in the bush.  So speaketh the pork pie hat.  Bring on them opening credits, featuring Parvati bending forward into the camera.  I’m sure there’s some sorta female-empowerment-by-way-of-the-Pussycat-Dolls dynamic going on here, but my dumb guy brain only sees some family hour-approved T&A.  Not that I’m complaining, mind you.

Airai, Day 4.  The "fans" discuss how they need to get organized by shouting ideas all at once.  The two priorities are water and shelter.  Alexis tries to make a fire with the flint won at the last challenge.  She gets a small one going, but then it snuffs out in the breeze.  A couple of the dudes try to out-alpha each other in restarting the fire, but half the day goes by with no luck.  "Why is everybody talking all the time and not working?," Herculean bully Joel rages.  Kathy, backed by her posse of Chet and Tracy, keeps pushing for a shelter.  "All you do is run your mouth!," Joel responds, ever the gentleman.  "Tracy, Kathy and Chet," Jason comments, "I don’t think they contributed a constructive thing all day long."  And with that, he denies them use of a cave shelter he’s preparing.  Real nice.  For the second time in as many episodes, Kathy starts to cry, saying this brings back all her worst memories of high school.  Yeah, I wasn’t much good building fires in high school either.  As the "fans" bicker, Joel bellows (’cause that’s the only way he knows how to communicate), "Tell me we’re not divided!"

Malakai, Day 4.  The ukulele of harmony plays over shots of the "favorites" having just a jim-dandy time.  "We’re hoping the fans have slept poorly," smiles Jonathan, "and are way behind us on the camp curve."  A nation is shocked as Ozzy catches another fish.  Does he have a Red Lobster van that just follows him around off-camera?  Ozmando is really attracted to Amanda because, well, she’s freakin’ Amanda, and Oz has a pair of working eyes.  But he doesn’t want it to become too obvious, because he could be making himself a big target.  James is way past even those minor considerations, as Parvati all but has him wearing an apron and vacuuming the camp.  "What do you think, Amanda?," Jonathan asks his teammate, referring to James and Parvati. "Is it love?"  Amanda demurs, then tells us she doesn’t want her yen for all things Oz to "screw up my game."

Back at Airai, Chet, Kathy and Tracy build their own shelter.  Joel figures as the rival sides of the tribe have settled into their respective hovels, perhaps they can now "bury the hatchet."  Tracy believes she’s earned some respect based on her shelter-making skills.  After sixteen seasons, we now know the scenes of camp strife must be followed by scenes of the tribe coming together, which is what happens when the "fans" finally get their fire going.  Mary Sartain, co-owner of a real estate and financial business from Walnut Creek, California, tells us that the team has "put the drama behind" and are now unified.  Oh, Mary, Mary, Mary…  You may be able to sue the show’s editor for excessive irony.  Mikey B flirts with Mary, as he apparently is really turned on by real estate and finances.  Aw, he even flicks a bug out of her hair.  Joel observes this, saying flirting is "right out of player school 101."  It also sometimes works on Survivor, ba-dum!  Joel believes the "three outsiders," i.e. Chet, Kathy and Tracy, will be the first voted out.

Malakai, Night 4.  Oz and Amanda are all hands and lips, as are James and Parvati.  It’s bungle in the jungle.  Well, that’s alright by me.  But it’s not alright with Cirie, who jokes about expecting to hear "birth announcements" after the show.  "It’s silly, you know," says Jonathan.  "Get a hotel room!"  Agreeing the couples alliance is a threat, Cirie says she’ll team with Jonathan’s non-humping group.

Immunity and Rewards Challenges are combined into a single, uh, Remunity Challenge.  As the teams assemble, the "fans" applaud the ejection of Fairplay.  "Good job, guys," Jason calls,  "good job."  For Remunity, castaways have to swim out to platforms, jump and smash tiles containing five keys, and bring said keys back to the beach where they’ll open a chest full of - say it with me now - puzzle pieces.  First tribe to assemble a puzzle of Micronesia wins both Immunity, and the Reward of fishing gear and a boat.  They’ll also choose someone from the losing tribe to go to Exile Island, where there’s a Hidden Immunity Idol.  There’s one other twist which Jeff will only reveal after the challenge, ’cause that’s the way this sneaky bastard rolls.  As the "fans" outnumber the "favorites," they sit Kathy out of this challenge. 

Ozzy and Jason are first in the water for their teams, Oz doing his usual godlike thing as he zips right up to the platform, smashes his tile, and returns with Malakai’s first key.  Jason, being a mere mortal, can only follow.  Ami is now in the water, followed by Alexis.  Ami’s return prompts Amanda, and Alexis prompts Chet.  So far it’s been close, but things go awry for Airai (not the last time I’m gonna write that) as Chet can’t find his key.  Amanda’s return prompts Parvati, while Chet still flounders.  "Chet, get out of the water!," Joel booms like the uncoolest lifeguard ever.  "Let’s go!"  Parvati gets her key and quickly makes her way back, while an exhausted Chet slowly walks instead of swims back to the beach.  Jonathan and Mikey B both get to the platform, and Mikey B makes up some time for his squad when Jonathan has trouble finding his key.  Jeff is given to calling Jonathan by his last name.  "Penner in the water!  Penner having trouble!  Penner back in it!"  Don’t know why I mentioned this, other than I’d like to hear Jeff refer to Parvati as "Shallow" every once in a while.  You know he wants to.  Penner, er, Jonathan finally swims back with Malaikai’s fifth and final key, handing it off to James who works on unlocking the chest.  Jason swims out for Chet’s lost key while Cirie, Eliza and a sorely underrepresented Yau-Man work on Malakai’s puzzle.  Jason makes it back with Airai’s last key, but is too late as the "favorites" win their first victory.  They chooses Kathy as recipient of the Exile treatment.  Now comes the above-mentioned twist.  The "favorites" must choose one of their own to also go to Exile Island.  After what looks like a very brief discussion, a slightly bewildered Cirie is chosen.

Exile Island, Day 5.  Kathy and Cirie are dumped at the beach.  "I’m so glad it was you," gushes Kathy.  "[Cirie’s] so sweet, so motherly," she tells us.  The two women find the first Hidden Idol clue, hinting "the thing that you covet requires ascension."  In other words, the ladies better be good at climbing.  Not sounding thrilled with her tribe’s decision to send her here, Cirie sighs, "I’m going to Exile Island.  Please let me find the idol."  Cirie and Kathy find a second clue telling them to swim across the open water to another part of the island.  When they get there, they find yet a third clue referring to "two legs rising out of the sea."  Kathy sees twin branches sticking out of the water at the opposite beach, and the gals are back in the water.  Cirie is losing patience, as all they find is another clue reading, "Look for the place where you made your arrival."  A near-exhausted Cirie and Kathy continue their search.  "We can’t get this close and not find it," Kathy says.

Airai, Day 5.  Alexis feels they all deserve applause, as that was a tough challenge.  Erik tells us it’s probably gonna be Chet going home, as he sucked on an Olympian scale today.  To ensure it’s one of the older, less popular players going home, Mike B advises the guys vote for Chet while the girls vote for Tracy.  That way, if Kathy gives one her personal Immunity Idol, it still can’t save them.  Joel grows frustrated hearing all of Mikey B’s scenarios; "It confuses me.  Joel smash now!"  Growing green, his pants ripping, Joel resents Mikey B teaming up with Mary and leading the tribe.  Joel swears, "I will make it clear at Tribal Council this is not the case." 

Airai, Day 6.  "Mikey thinks he’s running this whole show," Joel whispers to his little clique.  Either Mikey B has to go or Mary.  "If you take away Mary, that’s his closest ally."  Erik agrees; "It’s pretty diabolical, but c’mon…"  Joel reasons they should keep Mikey B over Mary for challenges.  But who then will perform the urgently needed duties of looking pouty and strutting around in a bikini all day?  Oh, right, some apparently mute cipher named Natalie.  Seriously, go on the CBS website and look at Natalie’s picture.  She looks like she’s been jacked with rhino tranquilizer.  When/if she talks, I’ll tell you more about her.  Kathy returns from Exile Island.  When asked if she searched for the idol, she only says, "I curled up in a fetal position."  Joel tells Kathy they’re voting out Mary tonight, and orders the older woman to keep her mouth shut about it.  "It’s done," he says.  Kathy is relieved, as she thought Chet would be on the chopping block, but Tracy is not sure whether they should trust Joel.  Mary sees them talking, but isn’t worried.  "I really don’t feel I’m gonna be voted out any time soon.  Who’s ready for volleyball!"  Joel confides he knows the others could be leery of him and he could be putting himself in danger.

Airai file into their first Tribal Council and pick up torches.  Hey, didja know fire is life on this show?  Anywho, Jeff asks Kathy how she ended up with her personal Immunity Idol.  She says Yau-Man pointed it out to her.  That bit of pleasantness over, Jeff now draws some blood.  "Chet, this challenge for you was extremely difficult."  He continues that Chet was apparently exhausted, but Chet argues he wasn’t.  Uh-oh, contradict the Probster and you get this: "You’re giving yourself too much credit."  Mikey B, who may as well wear a backward baseball cap with the words "massive tool" stenciled on it, bitches, "If you’re not that good of a swimmer, why don’t you make a team move and step down?"  Tracy confirms the camp is divided, and here’s where Natalie Bolton, a personal trainer and bartender from Houston, finally opens her mouth and makes sound come out; "We have two shelters."  Alexis confirms there is conflict within the tribe.  Chet acknowledges, "It looks bad that it’s three against seven."  Erik says, "I would be very, very scared if I were Chet."  Jeff asks Mary how safe she feels.  Mary answers, "I feel secure."  As for Joel, he admits, "I don’t care who goes home."  He knows it can be anyone at any time.  "It’s a game of deception and loyalty and I could get voted out."  Asked if she’s going to relinquish her personal Immunity Idol to anyone else, Kathy declines.  Time to vote.  Writing Chet’s name, Mikey B says, "You failed with your body and your mind and your heart.  And that’s just not acceptable to be a teammate of mine."  A sixteen-ton weight then drops, crushing Mikey B like a roach.  Ah, one can dream.  When Jeff reads the votes, it’s one for Chet, two for Tracy, and all the rest for Mary.  Mikey B looks positively pole-axed, while Joel can’t hide his smile. 

In the Penthouse

Joel, Airai - I can’t say I like the guy…’cause I don’t.  But he c***-blocked the obnoxious Mikey B in more ways than one, and that’s good enough for me.

In the Doghouse

Mikey B, Airai - Self-impressed poseur with the designer stubble and the nickname you know he gave himself two minutes before he auditioned for the show.  He got the wake-up slap he so richly deserved. 

A so-so episode (bring back separate Reward and Immunity Challenges!), redeemed by the humiliation of Airai’s biggest dickweed.

Next week:  "Cirie takes control of her tribe, the fans continue to suffer, and it’s war between the favorites and the fans."

‘Til then!

 BY GARY SHERWOOD