Malakal, Day 18.  Without Chet’s unparalleled sitting and chicken-whispering skills, the tribe has just fallen apart and they’re starving.  Riiiigggghhhht…  The Malakals debate eating their winged Rewards.  Tracy argues they have three chickens and three weeks left on the island, so it makes perfect sense to start chowing on one a week.  But Ozzy argues the chickens are laying eggs, which are a "renewable resource."  Tracy speculates Ozzy really doesn’t want the tribe to eat the chickens, because it keeps them dependant upon him as the food gatherer.  "Ozzy is gonna win this game," warns Tracy, "if we don’t get him out of this game."  You’ll get no argument from me. 

Airai, Day 18.  "I was attacked by skeeters," groans Kathleen about having to sleep in the vermin-infested cave, and the other women commiserate.  James just shakes his big bald head at all their silly femaleness.  "They complain about the rain but they didn’t get wet ’cause we’re in a cave…  This is a game called Survivor."  Amen, brother.  "Today, this morning is a crap day," Kathleen says, the first choke of a sob coming on.  Kathleen thinks of her family and wishes she were home.  Sigh.  I wish Kathleen stayed home too.

Back on Malakal, Ozzy shows Erik the finer points of knocking coconuts out of a tree.  Apparently, there’s this thing called gravity which kinda helps.   Awestruck, or should I say, Oz-struck, Erik is encouraged to dare to be great.  "I can do that!," he exclaims.  "I can climb a coconut tree too!"  This is all a hoot to Cirie.  "Whenever he says Ozzy’s name, stardust comes out of his mouth!"  I don’t know why exactly, but that word choice…yikes.  As is Ozzy yelling, "You got good nuts now" to his young ward.  Gay panic, always good for a chuckle.  Cirie says if Ozzy proposed marriage, Erik would accept; "Done deal."  Wonder what those Ozlets would look like.  Now it’s Ozzy’s turn to have some giggles at Cirie’s expense, as he proposes the tribe row their canoe out to the back beach because the fishing is better.  Cirie may have boldly conquered her staggering fear of leaves, but water still unnerves her.  "Nothing’s gonna happen," says Ozzy as they row way the hell out there.  "Don’t worry."  Cirie goes along with the excursion to show some team solidarity, but it’s clear to her, "Ozzy is about numero uno, and that’s Oscar."  She stays in the boat while the others swim.

For a Reward of a trip to the "Herbalessense Great Escape Spa" (you can almost see the electric cattle prod used to make Jeff say this), four members of each team are blindfolded while the two remaining members yell commands so they can push a Micronesian money wheel over tiles which magically become puzzle pieces.  Micronesian money wheels!  Of course!  That’s how we’ll solve our financial crisis!  But first we have a challenge to get through.  As the Airais outnumber the Malakals, Natalie sits this one out.  Good thing, as we really need a break from all the attention she’s been getting.  She almost gets to say two whole sentences this episode.  A remarkable thing about this season is I’ve usually had no preference which tribe wins.  But for this challenge, my reptile guy brain demands an Airai victory because Alexis, Eliza, Natalie and Parvati are all dirty girls who need to get clean for daddy.  Preferably in slow motion.  Yeah, I know that also means Kathleen is gonna lather up, but it’s a fair trade.  Cruel fate, however, intervenes and it’s a win for Malakal.  Jason is selected to return to Exile Island.  Ozzy then asks Tracy if she’ll "take it for the team," and before she can really answer, she’s whisked off to Exile and loses out on the Reward she had a role in earning.  I usually like Ozzy, but he’s rather something of an ungracious rod during this episode.

The Malakals arrive at the spa, which is really just a couple of benches and a table full of goodies under a thatch roof.  It’s in a pretty locale, though, next to a misty waterfall.  One thing I gotta say for this show; they’re still able to make me wanna visit these places I never knew much about until seeing them on my little TV.  Strapping Erik into his highchair, Ozzy is proud the little guy is finally able to experience a Reward.  Whatever, Amanda needs to take a shower.  So does Ami, who never misses an opportunity to get zestfully clean with the young ladies.  Hey now, we got some tiled-out breasts, and there’s Ozzy, right between them.  Nothing new for this guy, if you know his background.  Cirie chooses not to join them, nor does Erik for reasons known only to him.  Maybe he doesn’t like seeing his man crush enveloped by so much boob.  Rain begins to fall.

The rain becomes a downpour as it hits Airai.  Kathleen remarks when you watch on TV, they show only about thirty seconds worth of the rain.  It’s a whole ‘nother thing being stuck in it "five or six hours non-stop."  Here come the tears.  James cuts up a raw clam for dinner.  Looks wonderful, all black and rubbery.  "It’s just savagery," Kathleen cries.  "It’s like you’re a caveman."  (Suddenly I wonder how Joel’s been doing since voted out.)  Night comes, and the tribe retreats into the back of their cave to elude the storm.  There’s not much sleep to be had as infrared cameras catch all manner of bats, rats and fist-size insects flitting and scurrying about the castaways.  "This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my life," wails Kathleen, rapidly approaching freakout velocity.  "This is the dumbest thing."  Next morning, she’s just a flickering mass of nerve endings and tear ducts.  James gives Kathleen a big hug, but even a gravedigger’s embrace can’t cheer her up.  Kathleen goes to the beach and…oy vey…tries to communicate with her daughter by sending out "vibes."  Shockingly, she hears no "vibes" in return.  "I couldn’t feel her," Kathleen bellows.  "I couldn’t feel my family!"  And here comes that big juicy breakdown we all saw coming from Day 1.  "I just can’t take one more minute.  I can’t."  The others try to offer sympathy.  Nicole says she’s not belittling Kathleen’s agony, but they’re all feeling just as miserable.  The girls pull Kathleen into the sun, but all she wants is a boat to take her away. 

Parvati tells us Kathleen has reached her breaking point, which is nothing we didn’t know, but what is a surprise is seeing Parvati referred to as a "charity organizer."  Excuse me, but whaaaaaa?  Last I remember, this chick was a foxy boxer.  So let’s check that CBS bio.  Ah, here we go:  "She and some fellow boxers have parlayed her passion for the sport into the creation of a non-profit organization titled "Knockouts for Girls," a charity that provides scholarships and boxing lessons for underprivileged girls. The organization recently held their first fundraising event that included boxing matches and a fashion show."  Boxing matches and fashion shows.  There’s a Reese’s cup of charity if ever there was one.  Okay, more power to the Parv.  Now back to Kathleen’s komplete kollapse…

The S.S. Probst pulls up.  "I got word that you wanted to see me," Jeff says as he joins the Airais in a circle of pain.  "I can’t feel my family," Kathleen repeats.  Jeff reminds her it’s Day 19.  "You’ve had it as tough as anybody…  But you’ve weathered all that."  Kathleen says she did the show for her sister and husband, but now she has to make this decision for herself.  Jeff, who usually isn’t exactly charitable towards quitters (check out his open contempt of Osten in Panama), goes surprisingly easy on her.  Maybe it comes with having done this gig for eight years now.  Maybe all his vitriol left with Jonny Fairplay on Day 3.  Or maybe he’s just as glad to see Kathleen leaving as we are.  Whatever, he sagely says this experience means different things for different people.  He asks once more if she really wants to go, and Kathleen answers most affirmative.  Jeff tells her to get her things.  As Kathleen gets on the boat, Jeff points out Airai is now "down to six, despite winning challenges."

Damn CBS to hell for putting that gun to Kathleen’s head, forcing her to fill out a 20-page application, make a video, come to L.A. for a round of interviews, and sign legal releases.  Seriously, are we still expected to believe these people were the hardest of hardcore fans?  Maybe Erik and Jason have watched and learned, but Chet and Kathleen may as well be on Antique Roadshow for all they contributed to this season.  Good freakin’ riddance.

As night falls on Airai, Alexis says, "Survivor continues for the rest of us."  Okay, but you better step it up too, honey.  Neither you nor Nicole have accomplished much besides being decoration.

Malakal, Day 20.  Referring to Ozzy’s boat excursion, Cirie tells Amanda, "I think you got a dose who Oscar really is."  I love how Cirie never lets anyone forget their strongest player is named after a Muppet grouch.  Amanda agrees Ozzy can be arrogant at times.  Cirie confides the boat trip was worth it if it brings Amanda to her side.  "Like shut up, Erik," Cirie says, regarding to the young fan’s adoration of Ozzy.  This makes Amanda laugh.  It’s clear she doesn’t like seeing Ozzy’s attentions being diverted from her.  Cirie proposes getting rid of Erik, as he’s becoming Ozzy’s closest ally.  Amanda says they’ll have to do it in such a way that Ozzy "still thinks he has control." 

As the tribes gather, the Malakals see Kathleen has left the game.  "What?!," Ami exclaims.  Jeff explains Kathleen’s departure, then it’s time to get to the Immunity Challenge.  One member of each tribe will run out over a wobbly water bridge with a toe line.  They’ll retrieve a bundle of - say it with me - puzzle pieces, which the tribe members will then winch back to shore, while the first member holds on.  Once they’re back with five bundles, two member of the tribe will assemble the puzzle which must form a perfect square.  To no one’s surprise, Ozzy gets a good lead for Malakal, what with all his running and swimming and godlike agility.  What is surprising is Amanda and Cirie choking on the puzzle assembly, letting Eliza and Jason get their square together first and winning the third straight Immunity for Airai.

"Hey, Ozzy, I’m so sorry about the puzzle," says Amanda as they return to camp.  "I feel like crap about it."  Am I the only one who smells the faint whiff of a thrown challenge?  Doesn’t seem like anyone else does.  Anyway, Ozzy insists they keep Erik.  He wants to dump Tracy.  Ami, however, wants to keep her.  "Sometimes you have to pull the dirty card to stay in the game."  Which is Ami-speak for tricking Amanda and Cirie into voting for Erik, while Erik, Tracy and her secretly vote for Ozzy.  Tracy tries her Jedi mojo on Erik, warning, "You’re next after me," if they don’t vote out Ozzy tonight.  Pushing the plot, she then asks Amanda and Cirie, "Would you rather go up against Erik or would you rather go up against me?"  Amanda and Cirie confer, now worried about the repercussions of going against Ozzy.  Hey, what happened to all that "like shut up, Erik" talk a short while ago?  "If I go against Ozzy," Amanda confesses, "I can pretty much kiss this relationship goodbye."  As usual, Ami is having second thoughts about tonight’s plan, debating whether to vote out Ozzy or one of the "fans."

At Tribal Council, Jeff gets right to business, saying this tribe is in trouble.  The only reason they have parity with Airai is because of the unscheduled exits of Jonathan and Kathleen.  Asked who’s emerged as the tribe’s leader, Tracy says Ozzy, as they do what he says, how he says, and when he says it.  Ozzy dismisses this as "ridiculous," claiming he only steps up to do what must be done.  Cirie says she sees where Tracy is coming from, as everyone tends to check with Ozzy first before they do anything.  Erik defends his deity, proclaiming Ozzy does what is necessary to keep the team strong.  All tremble before the great and powerful Oz!  Tracy says they should consider who will be the biggest threat down the line.  Hearing that, Ozzy says this "concerns" him.  He claims he’ll stay loyal to those he told he would.  Tracy argues they should keep her, as she’ll be the lesser threat.  "It’s black or white.  There’s no grey."  True that, but the blonde Jedi master still goes down in a hail of votes.

In the Penthouse

Eh, no one really knocked me out this week.  It was that kind of episode.

In the Doghouse

Kathleen, Airai - Thanks for wasting everyone’s time, including MINE. 

Commercials:  The CSI: Miami countdown has begun.  4 days, 8 hours, 12 minutes ’til this witless show returns to defile your  television.  Thanks for the warning, CBS.  And getting Britney Spears to guest on How I Met Your Mother  is a real savvy casting coup.  In 1999.

Next time:  "Ami and Cirie go on the warpath.  On Airai, Parvati makes new friends.  And the injuries continue to pile up."

‘Til then!

BY GARY SHERWOOD