BY GARY SHERWOOD

Watching the previouslies where Natalie mimes flossing with Jason’s jugular, I realize now I was mistaken to say she had “bunny choppers.” I was wrong and I’m sorry. Upon seeing her again, I now realize Natalie has horse teeth. Really big piano keys all the way around, not just her incisors. Just wanted to clear that up before getting to this week’s shenanigans.

Survivor Medical Services, Night 30. It’s a boat anchored not far from Tribal Council. A doctor examines James’ sliced finger. It reminds us he needs those massive meat hooks for digging six-foot deep holes. Those lazy ass dead folk ain’t about to dig their own graves any time soon. The doc warns if James’ finger doesn’t improve by morning, it’ll need surgery. It’s just the sort of cheery note to cue opening credits. Returning to Dabu later, James tells the women his finger is just inflamed but “It’s gonna be alright.”

Day 31. While James works with one hand, Alexis is hobbling around camp. She was out walking in the dark last night and “ate it really, really bad.” There are Marines serving in the Sunni Triangle suffering fewer casualties. “I know this is bad because I’m a nurse,” confides Cirie, “but there’s two less people I have to fight against for one million dollars.”

The castaways file in for the Reward Challenge, getting a good laugh at the statues made in their sort-of-likenesses. They look more like caricatures made at a friend’s 50th birthday. You can recognize the hair color and approximate shape of the face, but everything else is just pure sideshow mirror. Jeff tells the tribe they’ve been out here awhile, and it’s time for a little love from home. First to materialize from the jungle is Parvati’s mom Gail. She’s followed by Erik’s brother Curt, who comments on his bro’s appearance. “I got a beard! I got a beard!,” Erik chirps, then points to the host. “There’s Jeff Probst!” Jeff good-naturedly says, “You’re such a freak.” Out next is Natalie’s mom Rocky (which I pray is short for Raquel), Alexis’s brother Nathan, Amanda’s almost-but-not-quite-as-hot sister Katrina, James’ dad James, Sr., and finally Cirie’s husband Clarencio, aka Honey Bunny, aka HB (that took more time to research than my bachelor’s thesis). The winner of today’s challenge and their loved one will go to Jellyfish Lake and swim with its non-poisonous denizens. Also, Exile Island and the hidden idol are back in play. The castaways fill out a survey asking questions about the tribe. After the surveys are collected, they have to guess whose name came up the most often in answer to each question. Whoever guesses right gets to take a machete swing at one of three ropes suspending a rival castaway’s grotesque statue. Last one to still have a statue still hanging wins. Question 1) Who does the most for the tribe? The answer is James. Forgive me, but life is short so I’m not going to catalog every machete swing (even though I did write them down like the Survivor geek I am). I’ll just tell you who takes multiple chops. James suffers two this round, one from Alexis and one from Parvati. Question 2) Who never shuts up? The answer is Parvati. This time, it’s Alexis who takes two chops, from Erik and James. Question 3) Who mistakenly thinks they’re in control of this game? The answer again in Parvati. James and Cirie both take chops that finish off Parvati’s statue with a satisfyingly loud CRASH. Mrs. Shallow doesn’t look so happy to have flown 3,000 miles just for this. Question 4) Who is the most honest? The answer is Alexis. Only Cirie got this right, and her swing takes out Erik’s statue. Question 5) Who are you least likely to invite to a family dinner? The answer is James. Huh??? James will eat anything - I mean ANYTHING - and happily ask for seconds. Plus he’ll open beer bottles with his teeth. He’s like the first person I’d invite. But the castaways think otherwise, unleashing an orgy of statue destruction. Alexis finishes off James, prompting Daddy James to murmur he’s gonna talk about that girl when he gets home. James knocks out Cirie. Amanda knocks out Natalie. This leaves only Alexis and Amanda’s statues remaining, suspended by one rope each. And it’s Cirie’s turn to swing. Cirie thinks, then chops the rope supporting Amanda’s statue. “Sorry,” she squeals. Alexis wins Reward. Told she can choose two other castaways and their loved ones to accompany her, Alexis picks Cirie and HB, and Natalie and Rocky. And who is she sending to Exile? Amanda waves her hand, and Alexis gives Amanda her wish. “Can I give my sister a hug goodbye?,” Amanda asks. “Nope,” says evil Jeff, telling Amanda to get her sweet non-tiled-out ass on the Exile express. Jeff also orders James to have Medical look at his finger.

Dr. Carolyn Sein, PhD in Survivor Ouchies, looks at James’ finger and declares, yes, it’s been cut alright. Thank god, we’d be lost without modern medicine. Jeff strides into frame and asks to be caught up. Dr. Sein says in this environment, a cut that deep can become infected and spread to the joint. “What’s the call?,” Jeff asks. The doc says it’s too big a risk to keep James in the game. Jeff tells James most of his tribe is away at Reward, but he can say goodbye to Erik and Parvati. Despite their recent friction, Parvati is genuinely sad to see James leave the game like this as “I have so much respect for him.” Wiping away tears, Parvati says, “It’s gonna be so lonely without him.” “I know,” agrees Erik. “Only man left.”

At Jellyfish Lake, Alexis, Cirie, Natalie and their loved ones swim with what Jeff has casually assured them are non-poisonous jellyfish. Hey, that’s why CBS has them fill out 12 pages of releases. I must say, it does look pretty cool. The jellyfish look like floating orange blossoms, and the water is crystal blue. “It was magnificent to see nature like that,” comments Cirie. She admits the experience helped to open her eyes. “Everything is not a threat.”

On Exile Island, Amanda feverishly searches for the idol. She finds clue after clue, until the final one telling her the idol is buried back at camp under the tribal flag.

That night, the Rewardees return. Parvati informs them of James’ evacuation. Alexis, still hobbling on her one good leg, says “it’s very terrifying” someone could be taken out of the game for an injury. Cirie confides this puts the all-woman alliance in a “weird space” because if they can’t beat Erik at the next Immunity Challenge, they’ll have to “start eating each other.” The gals wonder what they should do.

Day 33. Alexis is moving sloooow. Seriously, Walter Brennan could beat her in a marathon. “I got no stability on it,” she confesses. Asked whether she can do seven more days, Alexis quickly answers yes. “So you don’t want us to vote you out?,” asks Parvati. Alexis answers no, not an option. She’s now worried Parvati might turn on her. Discussing who they should vote out if Erik wins Immunity, Natalie says she can’t beat Amanda in the Final Three. Parvati says she’s been with Amanda since the beginning and cannot turn against her now. “I just won’t.”

As the tribe assembles for the Immunity Challenge, Amanda returns from Exile and is informed of James’ unscheduled departure. Jeff recaps that’s three people who have left the game this season under circumstances other than being voted out. “Definitely a Survivor first.” For Immunity, the castaways will fire a “high-powered rifle” at colored sake bottles. First to take out three bottles wins. Even though the weapon looks mean enough - it’s some sort of prop .50 caliber machinegun redesigned to fire single shots - it’s clearly just firing a plastic projectile and not a good ol’ all-American bullet. When fired it doesn’t make a deafening report, but a lame thwack. You can approximate the sound slapping your thigh. So, the challenge kinda sucks due to being no more dangerous than pin the tail on the donkey. Not to come off as some sort of gun nut, but if you’re gonna tell the castaways and audience the challenge involves a high-powered rifle, let’s get out an honest-to-god Remington .30-06 and ear protection. Anywaaaaaaay… I’m not going to detail the whole thing shot for shot ’cause, again, life is short and I’m not all that enthralled with a big Nerf cannon. Let’s just skip to where Erik and Natalie end up tied with two hits each. As Erik lines up his next shot, the ladies look at each other with pained expressions. “Erik can close it out here,” says Jeff. And that’s just what Erik does, once more winning Immunity.

Back at camp, Amanda tells the others she did not find the idol and shows her bag is empty. “That’s okay,” says Parvati. “It’s cursed anyway.” Hey, remember the chickens from like twenty-five episodes ago? The ones Chet whispered to? Looks like at least one is still alive, but not for long. Erik lifts the poor pecker out of its cage, and Natalie a little too eagerly volunteers to kill it. But before we can see the decapitating delirium, the camera follows Amanda and Parvati into the jungle. Amanda says the idol is at camp. So who should they vote out? Parvati thinks Alexis is the biggest threat. Really? On that leg? Amanda more sensibly reasons it’s Natalie. Looking down the road to the endgame, Parvati doesn’t know if she can trust Erik. “Find that damn idol, lady,” she orders Amanda. Erik confers with Alexis, agreeing Amanda is the toughest competitor and should go home. “Luckily she doesn’t have the idol and that’s a good thing,” says Erik, dropping an anvil the size of a Buick. Speaking with Amanda, Erik bluntly says he’s either voting for her or Parvati. Amanda is disappointed Erik doesn’t remember how she voted out Ami to keep him in the game. “That’s what bothers me, Erik.” The boy is unmoved, admitting he’s probably going to vote for Amanda because she’s such a threat. Preparing the chicken dinner, Erik tells Cirie they’re voting out Amanda. Cirie agrees, saying it’s sad to see Amanda go but it’s the game. Still she confers with her old ally, saying she’d rather see Alexis go but the others don’t. Amanda tears up, asking Cirie to vote with her and Parvati. And here’s where things get confusing. Cirie says if she doesn’t vote for Amanda, the result will be a tie, they’ll have to draw rocks, and “I’ll still lose.” Say wha–? Is Cirie thinking she’s on the chopping block? Because if that’s the case, we’ve seen no hint of that, and I want a word with the editor. Amanda and Cirie speak very fast, very quietly, and Amanda becomes more emotional, so all I can do is rest my pen and wait for this frustrating exchange to finish. Thank the good lord it finally does, and the tribe settles down for its chicken. All except Amanda, who digs under the flag. If she doesn’t find the idol, “I’m gone.”

At Tribal Council, the jury is now Eliza, Ozzy, Jason…and one more. Moving slowly but purposefully is James with - get this - a freakin’ IV stand! James may not have been the most politically astute player, but no one can say he’s not among the studliest. Asked about her time on Exile Island, Amanda said she looked for the idol but couldn’t find it there. When asked who are the biggest threats, Cirie names Erik and Amanda. Tearing up again, Amanda says Parvati is the only one she knows who’s voting with her tonight. As for Erik, he’s nice when he wants something but he “finds greener grasses” when he no longer has any use for an ally. Natalie says Amanda is the biggest threat because “she’s done no wrong to anyone on the jury.” Alexis says they all “adore” Amanda and that’s why they respect her enough to be upfront about voting her out. Continuing, Alexis says she respects everyone left on the tribe and would tell any of them the same. Time to vote. Cirie holds Amanda’s hand, and Amanda puts an arm around Parvati. Once everyone has cast a vote, Jeff announces now is the time to play the idol if anyone has it. “About that, Jeff,” Amanda says, her tears magically disappearing. Eliza once more goes into fits as Amanda presents Jeff with a little something she dug up back at camp. Jeff explains the idol makes any votes cast against its bearer worthless, and this is indeed the idol. Sure ’nuff, Amanda racks up four votes but so what? The two votes she and Parvati cast for Alexis are enough to send the latter hobbling away. An ecstatic Eliza slaps Ozzy’s leg, and he finally smiles. “You guys are perfecting the art of the blindside,” Jeff declares. “That is the good news. And that is the bad news. Pick up your torches, head back to camp.”

In the Penthouse

Amanda - Just when I was about to write her off for being too passive and over reliant on stronger players, Amanda saves herself in awesome style. Love how the tears at Tribal Council were really a smokescreen for the third blindside in a row.

In the Doghouse

No one this week. Everyone fought hard and thought hard.

Commercials: Mom, Ellen, I love the both of you to tiny pieces, but if you think I’m getting you something from Kay Jewelers for Mothers Day, you’re certifiably insane; Mythbusters on CSI! That’s like a TV Reese’s Cup!

Next time, all the women try to win over Erik. It’ll be the last regular episode of the season before the finale, so we may also see a return of the car reward. Or not…

‘Til then!