BY GARY SHERWOOD

Amanda Kimmel will win Survivor: Micronesia. You know, barring a blindside or crippling injury, but what are the odds of that? Oh, yeah… And Erik really is the dumbest guy to ever play this game. I mean, forever and ever, amen.

But first…Dabu, Night 33. The tribe is still reeling from Amanda’s surprise playing of the Immunity Idol at Tribal Council. “I didn’t have it when I told you guys I didn’t have it,” she explains, sort of. Cirie admits Amanda is good, as “she almost had me at the brink” to force a tie vote. Oy vey, not this again. Cirie, there are worse things in this life than a tie vote at Tribal Council. Like Iran having a nuclear weapon, or Big Brother getting picked up for another season.

Day 34. Erik and Natalie confer, agreeing that “Parvati and Cirie are smart” enough to realize Amanda is popular with the jury. Erik is pissed at Amanda for “making me look like a fool” at Tribal Council. The two remaining “fans” agree to send each other to Exile Island if the other wins Reward, so they can find the reburied idol. But then Erik tells us, “Nothing’s set in stone… I can’t trust anybody but I do have to pick sides.”

Amanda, Cirie and Parvati agree Erik has to go next. “We don’t want Erik or Natalie going to Exile Island,” Amanda says. Cirie orders Amanda to “get in [Erik’s] head,” and Miss Montana does just that. Lord knows there’s plenty of space. Erik tells her he thinks he can win Reward. Knowing he’ll likely be able to share it, Amanda says, “If you pick me, I’ll pick you.” Erik agrees, and Amanda suggests they team up as he’s the most physical and she’s the most strategic. Erik says that’s just what he was thinking. The poor boob then spills his agreement to send Natalie to Exile Island, and Amanda plays him like Eric Clapton plays a Stratocaster. She says Natalie wants to send him to Exile so he’ll be weakened before the Immunity Challenge. Erik buys it, and Amanda suggests he send Parvati instead since she’ll be “lazy” and won’t bother looking for the idol.

For a Reward of a helicopter trip to a luxury resort (no car again!), the castaways are asked questions about past seasons of the show. First to get four right wins.

1) On which season of Survivor did a castaway have a pet snake? The answer is Pearl Islands, where Rupert had a pet snake named Balboa. I believe he was later used as stock for soup. (The snake, not Rupert.) Cirie and Erik get it right.

2) In which season of Survivor did a shark bite a survivor and the survivor bit it back? The answer is All-Stars, where a shark bit Rich Hatch’s arm. Rich also hid matches up his butt, did you know that? Amanda and Natalie get this one.

3) In which season of Survivor did a tribe mate ask another tribe mate to pee on his hand after being bitten by a poisonous sea urchin? The answer is Marquesas, where John asked Kathy to give him primetime’s first golden shower. Erik got this right.

4) During which season of Survivor was a castaway evacuated after falling into the campfire? Of course, this greatest Survivor moment ever happened in Australia, when Michael Skupin got a little careless and his hand ended up looking like a melted mozzarella stick. All the castaways get it, and this puts Erik at three right. One more and he wins.

5) During which season of Survivor were castaways first divided into four separate tribes? The answer is Exile Island, where the tribes were divided into older men, younger men, older women, and girls we want to look at. Erik gets this right and wins Reward.

First, who does he send to Exile Island? Erik sends Parvati, eliciting a not happy look from Natalie. Next, who does he want to share the Reward with? Erik chooses Amanda, as he gave his word. Natalie now looks very not happy. Skipping over, Amanda thanks Erik for keeping his word. “Totally redeemed yourself.”

“Well, that was a doozy,” gripes Natalie as she and Cirie return to camp. She says if Erik really wants to get Amanda out of the game, he shouldn’t give Parvati a chance to find the idol. “Erik is a little weasel,” comments Cirie. She then tells us how much she enjoys turning Natalie against Erik. The only pleasure she gets missing Reward is “watching Natalie stress out.” The Reward chopper mockingly flies over, Erik waving.

Oh my god, I want to go to Micronesia! The helicopter footage is amazing. Green cones of flora and black lava rock jut out of crystal blue water. “I’m really glad you came with me,” shouts Erik to Amanda over headphones. Erik feels he couldn’t relax with Natalie, plus he wants to ingratiate himself back with Amanda. “Let’s get out of the game for a day,” Amanda shouts back. The two of them get massages and pedicures, Erik revealing he’s never been to a spa. “Really?!?!,” gasps Amanda, as if the boy admitted to strangling neighborhood pets. Ladies, I got news for you. Most men have never, nor will ever, go to a spa. Nor will we ever see that screechy Sex and the City movie no matter how much you beg. Amanda and Erik eat dinner, the latter feeling stressed about having to choose a side. “I work in an ice cream parlor,” he explains. “I don’t make these decisions about people.” Amanda tells Erik he needs to step up, and he agrees. “I need to be an ice cream man instead of an ice cream boy.” Reach for the stars, Erik.

Exile Island, Day 35. Parvati wastes no time in taking full advantage of this opportunity…to look freakin’ blast furnace hot. Our girl sunbathes and if you have a heart condition, best to turn away ’cause the camera does one of those slow glides over Parv’s fine foxy boxing frame which is four full seconds of televised bliss. Good to know Mark Burnett will still unleash the unapologetic cheesecake when the moment presents itself. Parv could care less about the idol because “we have the numbers.”

Amanda and Erik return to camp. “Don’t try to look pitiful,” Cirie teases. “I won that same challenge in my season.” Natalie welcomes them back by sitting alone and banging a machete against a block of wood. Way to stay busy, girl. “Returning to camp was very bad,” Erik tells us. Speaking with Cirie under the shelter, Erik says he knows Natalie is resentful. Whatever he does, someone will be upset. As Natalie passes by, she overhears the genius say aloud, “Me, you and Parv should go to the end.” Cirie asks who they should vote out, and he answers “Nat or Amanda.” Natalie is furious. “I could’ve literally bitch-slapped him,” she mimes. “Slapped him like his mother.”

Cirie and Natalie tell Amanda about Erik’s plans to eject her, and Amanda says she’s not surprised. “Uh, I might have screwed up quite a bit,” Erik admits as he sees the girls talk. Amanda tells him, “You need to pick one side or the other because you keep on flipping.” You have to feel a little sorry for the guy as he moans, “I make so many mistakes.” Erik needs to win Immunity. “It’s like the animal kingdom. You fail and you die.” I have friends at Disney who say the same thing.

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