BY GARY SHERWOOD

Take your mind back to January when CBS was running those ads for Survivor: Fans vs. Favorites. Some poor dope says it doesn’t look that hard, he could win easily. For making such a groundless boast, he’s then immediately kidnapped by nefarious henchmen of Mark Burnett who toss him out of a plane to fend for his own. Cue Jonny Fairplay, Jonathan Penner and Yau-Man Chan looking menacingly into the camera. “Be careful what you wish for!,” Fairplay snarls. Who would’ve guessed all three of those seemingly strong guys would be gone before the merge, as well as all the other dudes by the time we got to the Final Four? And who would’ve guessed the winner would be…ah, but we’ll get to that.

After the previouslies run us through the season highlights (Injuries! Breakdowns! More injuries! Blindsides! Even more injuries!), we join the remaining castaways returning from Tribal Council on Night 36. For the benefit of learning impaired viewers or those watching in Mississippi, Amanda helpfully sings, “Final Four, Final Four.” The girls hug, scream, and do that stirring-the-pot-while-laughing-maniacally thing. Cirie repeats her mom’s line about always being able to beat ‘em with this as she points to her noggin. “Everyone has fallen into our trap and it’s the same trap over and over again,” says Karl Rove. Parvati also says it. “That’s four back-to-back blindsides.” For the last time, we’re treated to Parv’s cleavage in the opening credits before Pringles make a most unwelcome return to the sponsor lineup. For our newer readers, let me explain: Pringles epically suck. They are to potato chips what Celine Dion is to music; a pale, hard to digest imitation of the real article whose consumption leads to illness, loss of brain function, and in extreme cases, sterility.

Dabu, Day 37. “Oh, it’s just tearing my heart out there aren’t any guys around her,” Cirie says with a mega-dose of irony. “I’m nervous around y’all,” she jokes to the younger ladies. Parvati lithely climbs a tree to a) get coconuts, and b) make my night, judging from the low angles the camera gets. “I haven’t missed the guys here for a second,” she sneers, enjoying the distinct absence of fellas trying desperately to provide and “look cool.” Natalie and Parvati have an interesting if inconsequential discussion about how the former is a shrinking violet back at home, and how she’s afraid to ask for things less the answer be no. Parvati encourages Natalie to be more assertive and ask for what she wants. Call me a big sap, but I think it’s sweet to see the usual schemin’ and flirtin’ Parvati show a genuinely nice side and be encouraging to another castaway, especially one who is clearly gonna be road kill pretty soon. Natalie appreciates Parvati’s friendship. “I think we compliment each other.” Amanda reads Tree Mail which includes the key phrase, “To climb the heights of victory, you need to scramble once more.” Cirie makes it clear they have to beat Natalie.

“Four ladies,” says Jeff as they assemble for the Immunity Challenge. “Feeling oh so good about themselves.” The castaways stand on 20-foot perches, from which they lower buckets. The buckets are filled with water which is poured into chutes which in turn raise keys. Those keys open a chest back at the beach which has sixteen different sized ladder rungs. Once the ladder is assembled, the first survivor to climb to a platform and lower her banner wins Immunity. Natalie gets way out in front early on but is slowed by the ladder assembly, giving Amanda crucial time to pass her and emerge victorious.

“The only reason you beat me is ’cause your legs are longer than mine,” kids Cirie as the women return to camp. Amanda is thrilled to be in the Final Three again after accomplishing the same feat in China. The ladies debate setting Gloria, the sole remaining chicken, free. Natalie feels like “the lowest woman on the totem pole,” but she’s not leaving quietly. “I’m dealing with women who are as smart as I am,” Natalie realizes, but thinks she might still be able to “weasel” her way into the Final Three. “I hate when it gets to this point,” Cirie says to Natalie, as the two sit by themselves. “Why can’t we all just stay and have a Final Four?” Cirie asks, “Did you promise anyone your vote?” Natalie says no, but feels “Parvati would go out on a limb for me.” Parvati and Amanda discuss Cirie “pulling out all the stops.” Amanda doesn’t want Natalie to go. “I give Natalie so much credit,” says Parvati. “Cirie got lucky to be with us.” Natalie confers with Parvati, passing on Cirie’s query about promising her vote. “All there women are so crafty,” Parvati observes, knowing that anyone can pull something this stage in the game. Watching the two girls talk, Cirie confesses, “I could be going home tonight.” She’s seen these women work. “We’ve duped so many people with straight faces.”

At Tribal Council, Erik the jurist good naturedly smiles and waves. Natalie returns the smile and gives him a thumbs up. Jeff points out in addition to this being the first Final Four composed entirely of women, this is the first time we’ve had four straight blindsides. He says they all deserve “Survivor Academy Awards” for how they’ve played their targets, but how can they now trust each other? Natalie says the four of them respect each other and she doesn’t believe there will be a blindside. Amanda confesses she has no idea what will happen tonight. Jeff says “only a fool would be certain” about their place right now. Parvati agrees, saying it would “ludicrous” to feel confident. Amanda concurs, adding, “No one here is expecting a Final Two.” Ah, but she hasn’t seen the episode promos, has she? Jeff asks Cirie how she would feel if it was gonna go down to a Final Two. Cirie answers it would be bad for her, ’cause she’s at the bottom of the alliance. Amanda demands to know why she thinks that, and Cirie tells her it’s obvious. The two women go back and forth, before Amanda says, “I’m just wondering.” “And I’m explaining,” Cirie snaps back. James laughs at the exchange, so glad he doesn’t have to be around all that boiling estrogen anymore. When asked her reaction to this exchange, Natalie says she’ll just hold back and “let them duke it out.” Time to vote and despite the editor’s best efforts to make us think something else might happen, it’s Natalie who gets the boot. In her sign-off, Natalie says she’s proud to be the last “fan” standing and proud of the women she played with.

Returning to camp, Parvati innocently asks, “That was a weird Tribal tonight, wasn’t it?” And now the knives come out. Amanda accuses Cirie of making them “look awful” in front of the jury. Cirie replies she was telling the truth; she has been at the bottom of the alliance since it formed. An increasingly emotional Amanda calls this “bull****.” Getting loud, Cirie reminds the girls they were originally paired with Ozzy and James, while she had no one. She also points out how often they would tell her they can’t vote for someone else; “Has any one of you ever said, ‘I can’t vote Cirie out?’” Now she’s crying as well. “I can’t understand you when you’re screaming at me,” sobs Amanda. But before the quarrel reaches critical mass, they both apologize and go in for a group hug with Parvati (who wisely stays silent). Cirie says it’s “pitiful” for them to come this far just to fight among themselves. Amanda confides to the camera, “I feel like I’ve been doing this forever,” since she came here almost straight from China. At gunpoint, we can only assume. She claims what set her off was Jeff raising the possibility of the game going to Final Two. Oh, boy…

Day 38. Parvati is ecstatic to be in the Final Three with Amanda and Cirie. To celebrate they grant a pardon to Gloria the chicken, who immediately makes a nest in the sand. “She’s like a pet dog now,” comments Cirie. The women are pretty damned pleased with themselves. “We’re the craftiest survivors of all time, to be modest,” smiles Parvati. But the party comes to a screeching halt as Tree Mail warns them to prepare for another Immunity Challenge after paying homage to the previous seventeen castaways. “Oh. My. God,” mutters Amanda, as she realizes this means a Final Two after all. “My heart just dropped,” admits Parvati. “Someone has to leave now after everything,” says Amanda, the tears flowing again. “I’m so tight with these girls. This just sucks.” But Cirie is more philosophic, figuring this is poetic justice of sorts since they blindsided so many others. “What goes around comes around.” Parvati admits, “It’s taken me down a peg. I feel a little bit humbled.”

The Final Three row out to another island where they collect the torches of the fallen.

Jonny Fairplay: “He was actually kind of a decent guy while he lasted,” says Parvati. For his part, the demon clown says leaving on his own terms protected the Fairplay legacy. It’s been five years, America. Let’s all agree to stop paying attention to him already.

Mary: Right, who?

Yau-Man: Cirie explains he had to go early because he was such a good player. Yau admits he didn’t have the “killer instinct” necessary for this game.

Mikey B: The stubble, the ball cap, the face you just want to put a fist into. “It hurts to get sent home that early.” Felt pretty good to me.

Joel: The women agree he was definitely “intense.” For his part, Bam Bam feels he played hard but he sums up his experience as “failure.”

Jonathan: They give him props for being tough. Jonathan tells us he left with his head held high, and with no animosities. And damn if I still don’t want that bebop hat.

Chet: “I have to say the chickens have not been the same since Chet left,” giggles Cirie. Chet is justifiably proud of outlasting some of the burlier players.

Kathy: “She was a colorful character,” says Parvati. “I’m in awe of everyone who plays,” admits Kathy, the game being a lot harder than she realized. She’d rather “whip out eight more kids” than ever do this again.

Tracy: Amanda feels she was “underestimated” and I wholeheartedly agree. She was the pre-merge Jedi master, and Mikey B and Joel would have to agree. Tracy feels she’s not the same person since her Survivor experience.

Ami: “You know, I loved Ami,” sighs Amanda. Ami says she was much more sensitive this time around, and she has to learn to balance her tough side with her soft side. Helpful hint: You don’t always need a machete to make a point.

Eliza: “My arch rival,” smiles Parvati, “who I had to compete with for 22 days.” Eliza knew she was on the outs right from the start and had a tough time. I’d have more sympathy if she wasn’t so sketchy with potential early allies Jonathan and Yau-Man.

Ozzy: “I think he’s the most well-rounded player ever in Survivor,” comments Amanda. “And you liiiike him,” singsongs Parvati. Ozmando admits his downfall was being too trusting, but his relationship with Amanda is worth more than money. Aw. He overdoes it later, though.

Jason: The ladies are kind enough to remember he beat Ozzy twice. Jason says it’s a comfort he and Ozzy went out the same way. Slaughtered like blind sheep.

James: The Final Three admit had James not been evacuated, he would never have been voted out since he likely would’ve won all the remaining Immunities. James says the toughest part was dealing with all the women, and he had to let things go.

Alexis: “If Alexis made it this far,” comments Cirie, “she’d definitely be hard to beat.” Alexis feels she grew up a lot during this game.

Erik: The ladies are sorry (sort of) that Erik had be a victim of their “wrath.” Erik says the experience opened his eyes about women. Yeah, it never gets better, bro.

Natalie: The last fan. “Good on you,” says Cirie. Natalie spouts off some take-back-the-night jive about how women will always beat stupid men, yada yada. It’s like listening to the shrill wife on Everybody Loves Raymond and I just hit MUTE until those big teeth are done flapping.

Amanda, Cirie and Parvati toss the torches onto a platform and set it alight. I love when they burn stuff on this show. That tradition over and done with, the three remaining castaways row out to face their Final Immunity Challenge.

Amanda, Cirie and Parvati arrive at Challenge Beach. For the Final Immunity Challenge, the castaways are given wooden cylinders cut into several pieces. On top of the central piece, a silver ball is balanced in a shallow slot. (No, you wags, that was not Parvati’s nickname in college.) That central piece is held in place by two handles. Every five minutes, two more pieces will be added making the ball harder to balance. As far as final challenges, it’s nothing special really. Jeff keeps up a steady stream of patter, instructing the castaways on the need to concentrate and shut out all distractions. Distractions like, oh, a game show host prattling on and on. Five minutes go by, and all three women are still balancing their balls. Two more pieces are added between the handles. Five more drama-free minutes elapse. Jeff keeps trying to break the ladies’ concentration by telling them how important it is to concentrate. Two more pieces are added. “Now it gets interesting,” drones Jeff. Parvati finally drops her ball, and it’s now a two-woman race between Amanda and Cirie. Cool, here’s where we should get some desperate, last minute deal-making between these two. Only we don’t. Amanda and Cirie stay absolutely silent as yet more pieces are added. “This can be the round that decides it all,” says Jeff. It isn’t. The last two pieces are added, and now we’re in the final round which will keep going until someone drops the ball. That someone is Cirie, who loses focus just long enough for her ball to roll out. Amanda wins Final Immunity, and the three women share another hug.

They return to camp to find Gloria the chicken still on the premises. Are chickens even native to Micronesia? Is there, six months after filming, some sort of biological imbalance now wiping out indigenous species in Micronesia thanks to Gloria and her progeny’s remorseless rampage over the peaceful bugs, bats and rats that used to call these islands home? Are we all doomed because of these three women didn’t have the stomach to behead and devour this animal? Probably not. More likely Gloria ended up as a rodent’s dinner, rather than a castaway’s. Yeah, I lie awake thinking about these things.

“Amanda was in the zone,” comments Parvati. “She’s a closer, that one.” But Cirie cannot take this loss in stride, as this is one she should’ve won. After all, she tells us, a nurse has to be absolutely steady in surgery. Cirie knows for certain she’s the one going next. However, Amanda isn’t so positive. Turns out she’s one of those people who likes to suffer and be miserable. I thought this was just an endearing trait in my family, but here’s Amanda guaranteed in the Final Two and rather than be thrilled with her 50-50 shot at a million dollars, she has to agonize out of all reasonable proportion whether to vote out Cirie or Parvati. “I feel sick to my stomach,” whines Miss Montana. Meanwhile, Parvati is cocky as ever. “I’m fairly confident she’s gonna take me.” She tells Amanda they can spend all of tomorrow working on their opening speeches. Discussing Cirie, Parvati reasons, “She pissed way more people off than I did.” Amanda quietly agrees, but has one last powwow with Cirie anyway. Cirie argues she and Parvati bushwhacked the same people. However, Amanda believes Cirie can talk her way through things and win over jurists as she is “a hell of a speaker.” Between Cirie and Parvati, “It’s kind of a Catch-22.” Not to stereotype beauty queens, but I sorta doubt Amanda has really read that much Joseph Heller. Still, I give her props for making some kind of literary analogy. Amanda says she’ll have to go with her “gut feeling.” Maybe they did eat Gloria after all.

At Tribal Council, newest jury member Natalie wears enough foundation to choke a mule. Honey, it’s called make up, not cake up. But Natalie is gonna rock the damn house later, so I’ll ease up. Jeff tells Amanda as holder of Final Immunity, she is in total control tonight. Amanda says it’s “a blessing and a curse,” and here come the waterworks. Cirie believes it’s difficult because this alliance has been together since Day 1. Well, technically, it seemed like Cirie hadn’t really made up her mind ’til about Day 12 when it was clear Jonathan and Eliza were toast. But she’s gotta save herself. Parvati admits not envying Amanda right now. Jeff asks Amanda what’s risky about bringing Cirie to the Final Two? Amanda answers that Cirie is a “great talker.” When asked the same about the foxy boxer, Amanda says Parvati played a very social game. She repeats that she’s going with her gut, and I half-expect her to burp up a feather. But instead she just cries even more and I scribble AMANDA BECAME AN EMOTIONAL WRECK IN CHINA TOO. Going full-on Sophie’s Choice, she claims either way it’s “lose-lose” because this vote will hurt someone. Knowing tears are gold on this show, Jeff punches her right in the solar plexus; “If you’re wrong, it is a million dollar decision. If you’re right, this time tomorrow night you are a millionaire.” Amanda responds with a sad, painful keening. She weeps all the way to the voting table as she writes the name down. Jeff reads it: Cirie. The three women share one last hug. The nurse tears up herself during her sign-off, apologizing to everyone in her family. “I tried my hardest. Sorry it wasn’t meant to be.” Let’s give it up for Cirie, who really proved a master strategist. While the other gals were stirring pots and whatnot, Cirie just looked nice and motherly while calmly plotting everyone’s death. I know I took her to task for ejecting Yau-Man back in the third episode, but at least she did it for the right reasons. You will be missed, girl.

Dabu, Day 39. “We get to go home tonight,” Parvati smiles as she wakes up. “I can’t believe we did this,” replies Amanda, looking a little happier. They go to get their last Tree Mail. “Oh! My! God!,” they exclaim in perfect girly unison as they see the array of tasty treats left out for them. “This is like the biggest accomplishment of my life,” says Amanda. “Over the past six months, I’ve been living in the jungle for 78 days.” Hold on, is that right? Let me see, 39 days in China plus 39 days in Micronesia…carry the remainder by way of the integer and multiply by the square root of… Holy cats, she really has been playing this game awhile. Amanda and Parvati are both pretty certain they can look that jury in the eye. “Bring it on, bitches,” Parvati says, and how awesome would it be if that were her entire opening statement? “We’ve had this game in the palm of our hand since we met,” Parvati tells her buddy. True that. Confiding to the camera, Amanda feels she’s more likely to win as Parvati has made more enemies. For her part Parvati confides, “I don’t feel like I could’ve played this game better.” She played “more aggressive” than Amanda, and owns up to that. The two ladies burn down the camp - always great - and stir the pot once more for old times sake. Amanda knows, “Parv will play cutthroat tonight,” and Amanda plans to do the same. “May the best woman win.”

Final Tribal Council. Jeff gives the standard “your fate is in their hands” rebop to the Final Two as the jury sits. For her opening statement, Amanda says she came in wanting to be loyal and fought to the end. She’s proud of how she played and thanks everyone on the jury for helping her get here. Not exactly cutthroat. In fact, a statement that weak would have trouble cutting through soup. Now it’s Parvati’s turn. She came in with a previous reputation as a flirt, and had to play a different and aggressive game to beat the competition. “I had to pull power plays and the biggest blindsides in Survivor history,” Parvati says, as Ozzy stares hot daggers. “You can ask anything and I’ll give honest answers.” It’s an assertive, unapologetic statement; you may not like me but you should respect me. And it’s our first hint Amanda may not have the walkover victory we first imagined. The jury now get to ask their questions and/or showboat their asses off one last time.

Eliza. She admits both Amanda and Parvati played a “great strategic game,” but she still doesn’t know how to vote. While she concedes taking out Ozzy was a brilliant move on Parvati’s part, Eliza resents Parv talking behind her back and thinks the foxy boxer may just be “a mean person.” Eliza then swivels on Amanda and snarls, “Listening to you makes me wanna kill myself.” Looks like Amanda’s tears and woe-is-me face may not have gone down so well with other castaways who played their hearts out.

Jason. “Amanda, when Ozzy was voted out, would you have told Ozzy if you knew?” Amanda answers yes. Jason then asks Parvati what are her redeeming qualities? Parvati answers she gave total loyalty to her alliance of Cirie and Amanda. “And we didn’t kill Gloria the chicken. So I’m an animal lover.” There’s also that rockin’ body, but she doesn’t mention that. It just goes without saying.

Alexis. She reminds everyone she’s very involved in programs for young girls, and asks Parvati what makes her a better role-model. Parvati answers she’s more independent and outspoken, plus she made “more bold moves than Amanda.” Alexis now turns on the beauty queen and busts a big cap; “Amanda…we couldn’t help but be laughing when you cried over sending Cirie home.” Amanda claims she was being genuine, and doesn’t want “sympathy votes.” Sweetheart, the way the tide is definitely turning, you may wanna rethink that.

Natalie. Hold on, things get a little weird here. But it’s a good weird. Natalie tells Amanda and Parvati they have her respect “woman to woman.” She then asks, in a very wordy way which I won’t attempt to duplicate less I go insane, how does Parvati’s flirting strategy “resonate(s) in the bedroom?” Everyone shares a bewildered look, James exclaiming, “I’m confused!” But Jeff, bless him, knows Sapphic gold when he sees it and tells everyone to pipe down. “You’re sexy,” Parvati smiles at Natalie, then continues to explain flirting is just part of her personality and she does it irrespective of gender to get her way. (My stepmom will later ask whether I ever thought about Parvati being bisexual? Only all the time, was my totally mature response.) James just shakes his big bald head, either in admiration or regret. Then again, maybe both. Natalie has so got on my good side, and now she gets in the funniest, if meanest, dig of the evening when she says these very words to Amanda; “You’re beautiful, but you always had this glazed-over look. Was it strategy to be a zombified pageant-winning cliché?” A ZOMBIFIED PAGEANT-WINNING CLICHÉ! Oh man, I should just hang it up and let Natalie write these. Amanda mutters something about making her share of strategic and intellectual decisions.

Erik. Five or six days ago, he would’ve voted for Amanda. But looking at her now, he has a lot of questions. “I felt totally burned by you in the last two Tribal Councils.” Amanda explains she was just being honest, and apologizes. “Too late for ‘I’m sorries,’” the ice cream man declares. And it’s much too late for goodbyes, if Julian Lennon has anything to say about it. Erik doesn’t wanna hear Amanda’s rationalization. “I really don’t buy that at all.” Meanwhile, Parvati is wondering whether her new Porsche should be guards red or arctic silver.

James. “You fluffed me,” he says to Parvati, and I have to make sure I heard him correctly ’cause…does he know what a fluffer is? We all know Ozzy does. James says it again, and I’m still not sure he knows that in the adult film industry a fluffer… You know what, just rent Boogie Nights. Anyway, James seems to be using fluffing as a made-up synonym for conning. “Ha ha, got you sucka,” Parvati mocks, then seriously asks if that’s what he wants her to say. James says he just wants her to be honest. Parvati says she had no chance to win the game if she stuck with the guys. I know some folks like to believe James would’ve won had his finger not been sliced open, but I doubt that. Much as I appreciate his undeniable strength and stamina, his eating of all things furry and gross, and his boundless supply of apple metaphors, I just don’t believe, after watching him for two seasons now, that James was savvy enough to see past his initial alliance and envision an end game. Parvati may not be a rocket scientist (I checked, she’s not), but she did see how things had to play out for her and she acted on it.

Cirie. “Congratulations to both of you.” Finally, one person is enough of a sport to say that. She asks Amanda, “Why does Parvati deserve $1 million dollars more than me?” Amanda says Parvati made bolder decisions and was “the powerhouse” of their alliance. Cirie then instructs Parvati, “Tell the jury why you should be in my seat.” I’m not really sure what Cirie is asking. Bring Natalie back, she had better questions. Parvati tells Cirie, “You played under the radar.” Plus Parvati figures she “couldn’t compete with a mother of three” if they went before the jury.

Ozzy. “I think I might be the biggest idiot up here.” Well, Erik might have something to say about that…but go on. Looking at Parvati, Ozzy admits, “Voting me out was a great move. But you put a price on our friendship. You threw us away.” No, she only threw you away…but go on. “And how can you say that you’re a role model?” She didn’t, Alexis did…but go on. “I don’t want words. I don’t want to talk with you at all.” But he says the worst thing Parvati did was take away “fourteen days I could’ve spent with Amanda.” And the worst thing the music director could do is pile on some bad soap opera piano, but he does. Ozzy slaps himself to keep from crying, telling Amanda he truly has feelings for her that can only expressed on a reality TV show. A complete man diva, Ozzy hijacks the show in a display so mawkish and embarrassing, the only rational response for the viewer is to laugh mockingly. With trembling lips, Ozzy tells Amanda, “I’m glad I didn’t win Cook Islands so I could be here and meet you.” By now, the Young and Restless music is reaching a crescendo, Amanda looks like Bambi meeting a Mack truck, and the ick factor is through the freakin’ roof. Bravo, Oz. Way to lose the game for your girlfriend, you attention-hogging freak.

Time to vote. Incredibly, Erik casts his ballot for Amanda as, “I’m willing to forgive and forget.” Alexis votes for Parvati, saying she knows the foxy boxer will do “great things” with the money. Like tuck it in her g-string? Actually, that would be pretty great. Natalie votes for Parvati. In a total surprise, Ozzy also votes for Parv, saying he never really liked Amanda and it was all an act to get in her tiled-out shorts. No, no, no. Ozzy votes for his honey, saying, “I hope to God you win. You deserve it a million times more than Parvati.” Last to vote is Eliza, who has to think about it. And think. And think some more. “Oh my god,” she sighs. Finally, she writes a name down.

Jeff takes the ballot box, says “Later bitches,” and heads off.

We’re live in New York City as Jeff and the ballot box head through a cheering audience. No, is he really taking high-fives? Hasn’t The Colbert Report pretty much put that cliché to rest? C’mon, Probst, just get up on stage already and make with the vote reading. Amanda and Parvati sit nervously, considerably more nourished and quaffed than they were on the island. How do they look? Parvati’s hair and makeup are alright, but she’s dressed like she just came from an interview with Citicorp. Let’s at least see some legs. As for Amanda, I’ll just cut ‘n paste what I wrote about her on the last reunion show: “She looks…okay. Not bad by any means, but just conventionally pretty, like any blank-eyed actress you’d see in a commercial for Pantene. Plus, did she get her lips collagened? To each his own, but I liked her much better with less makeup (and less clothing).” In short our Final Two look like a couple of girls who’d catch your eye at, I don’t know, the bar at TGI Fridays or something, but they were both hotter in the boonies.

Jeff declares, “Word on the street is, aside from our first season, this is the best season we ever had.” Oh, preach it. The audience heartily agrees, even though Jeff Probst and “the street” are two concepts I’m struggling to visualize. Hat pulled low, collar pulled up, does he really prowl the lonely alleys and avenues, the bars and dives, the bus stations and train platforms, ear always cocked for what those discerning denizens of “the street” have to say about his show? That’s some dedication. Let’s get to the votes:

First ballot…Parvati. Next ballot…Amanda. Parvati. Amanda. Parvati. Amanda. They’re tied, three votes apiece. Jeff reads the seventh ballot…Parvati. If the next vote is for Amanda, this season will end in an unprecedented tie. Jeff looks at the last ballot, then announces the winner and sole survivor of Survivor: Micronesia is Parvati Shallow. It’s a huge upset and the perfect final surprise to cap off an amazing season that was nothing but surprises.

Following a montage of Parvati’s greatest hits, Jeff asks whether she initially planned to play this hard? Parvati answers no, until “Jonathan outed me” as a power player and she had to make moves. She says, “I couldn’t have done it without the girls,” referring to her wrecking crew of Alexis, Amanda, Cirie and Natalie. Jeff mentions in addition to Amanda holding the record for the longest-playing castaway (78 days), both of her original alliances made it to the end. “But you didn’t win.” That’s our Jeff, always willing to twist that knife. Asked what it’s like to return to normal life after half a year of playing the game, Amanda admits it’s hard. “You have trust issues,” she says, earning a laugh. Jeff asks how it feels to come this far, then fail to win again. “It sucks!,” Amanda answers, gamely trying to smile. Know why she didn’t win? Because just like in China, she crumpled in front of the jury. The game was hers to lose, and that’s just what she did with that milquetoast opening statement and sad, dazed look as she weakly answered jury questions. Parvati may have been a scheming bitch, but at least she owned up to it and looked and sounded like she wanted to be here. In the end, that’s what tipped “arch rival” Eliza into voting for her.

Cirie is asked how many nights has she stayed awake thinking about that last Immunity Challenge? “Let’s see,” she says, “what day is it?” Then more seriously, she says, “Every night. Every single night.” Asked whether she knew the women’s alliance would work and fool the guys, she looks at Erik and says, “Certain people…” After that gets a guffaw from the audience, she admits, “It wouldn’t work with Penner.”

Jeff asks Natalie what reaction to her has been on “the street?” Probst, really. Enough with “the street.” Anyway, Natalie says she’s been receiving some “pretty nasty” messages on her MySpace page. “I have some haters.” C’mon people, after being mute and invisible for, oh, the first eight or nine episodes, Natalie turned out to be a splendidly malevolent and cunning late-stage player. If she wasn’t on the same island as Cirie and Parvati, she might well be a millionaire by now. Give the girl a break. “Is that you?,” Jeff asks, referring to her bitchier side. Natalie replies she has “a million layers.”

Jeff reminds Alexis she was the only woman blindsided by the female alliance. Alexis knows it’s a game and, “it takes a while for your heart to catch up with your head.” Exactly, it’s like…huh? Your heart catching up with your head…is that a Carrie Underwood lyric? If not, it soon will be.

After a montage of blindsides, Jeff asks Ozzy whether he ever considered playing the idol? Ozzy says yes, he would have had it been anyone other than Parvati at his side. Referring to his “harsh words” for her at the end Ozzy says, “I can understand why someone could kill in the heat of passion.” However, he says their relationship has healed.

Jeff tells Eliza she had the most memorable line of the season. “It’s a ****ing stick!,” she repeats. Eliza says she really didn’t know whether Jason was putting something over on her. Nah, he was just stupid. With her long flat hair, Eliza fearlessly rocks the 1972 Cher look.

Jason is reminded he made the same mistake his hero Ozzy did by not playing the idol. “I should’ve seen it coming,” he admits. He keeps the janky bogus idol on his desk to remind him of what a putz he was. “James,” Jeff ribs, “you’re not the only one.”

The first scene from Fans vs. Favorites is replayed, where the new players learned they’d be playing against the old. Jonathan is asked whether the favorites had the advantage. He answers yes, as they had fire, shelter and food within like ten minutes. But wise old Yau-Man says their one disadvantage was that the fans would know how the favorites played. Jeff says Ami was the first “favorite” to be voted out, but she corrects him; Jonny Fairplay and Yau were ejected before she was. Well, it’s not like he was there. Oh, wait…

Jeff says Erik was exactly what they had in mind when looking for a hardcore fan. After Erik’s greatest hits is played, he’s asked what was his initial reaction when he learned he’d been chosen for the show. “I never thought in a million years I’d be on,” he answers, adding the reaction from his hometown has been “awesome.” Erik agrees getting booted after giving up Immunity was a “life lesson.” The end game is pretty intense, and he didn’t expect to make friends with these people he regarded as “heroes.” Hence, he forgot to see them as competitors. Initially, Erik regretted giving up the Immunity but when he saw how cutthroat he’s have to be to go further, he realized, “I’m not that guy.” He says “certain morals come into play,” and earns applause. But is he then saying that Parvati and, by inference, all other Survivor winners, are lacking in morals? I’ll leave that for you to decide, because Jeff lets it slide.

Voted-out-with-two-idols James is asked whether Ozzy, Jason or Erik made the dumbest move of the game. Retiring the apple metaphors for a water analogy, James says all Erik had to do was continue to float. But he “took off the life vest and gave it away.” James takes the invisible King of Dumbasses crown off his head and plants it on Erik’s bushy noggin.

For those who can’t get quite enough of Jonathan wincing in agony as his knee gets irrigated, or Erik’s ribcage bouncing off a platform, or James’ finger oozing pus, or any of the lovely young ladies getting assorted cuts, bruises, and fat lips, here’s an injury montage just for you. Afterwards, Jonathan assures us his leg is much better. “Why is this game so hard?,” asks Jeff, utterly innocent. After all, hauling someone behind you while racing through a jungle obstacle course studded with sharp, filth-encrusted branches…what could be safer? Before Jonathan answers, he first says Happy Mothers Day to his mom in the hospital. Awww. If you think I’m gonna joke about that, shame on you sir! Then to answer Jeff’s inane question he explains, “Every day you’re either firing someone or being fired.”

James is asked how his finger is doing. He says it’s getting better, but he still has to take antibiotics. The gravedigger still gets recognized at funerals. “My mom loved your abs,” one mourner with a not altogether accurate grasp of grieving told him. He then took off his shirt for a picture with the bereaved. Guess that’s what you do if a fan insists. “James, always making people happy,” comments Jeff. Asked how his dad is doing, James says his father enjoys checking the show blogs. “People love him.”

Kathy, remember her? Nervous breakdown? The one Jeff claimed in interviews he didn’t even know why she was chosen? Yeah, she applied five times before she finally got selected. Kathy admits the “immediate separation and isolation” drove her right off the cliff. She was also ostracized along with Chet and Tracy, and the vermin kept feasting on her. “Mentally I snapped.” Jeff credits her with making it as long as she did, and the audience politely applauds to encourage more out-of-their-league cannon fodder to apply for the show.

Ozzy and Amanda get their own montage. Asked what drew him to Amanda, Ozzy partially redeems himself by cracking, “Jeff, you know how these Survivor girls are.” Okay, that was funny, especially as Jeff is still rinsing with Listerine to get the taste of Julie Barry out of his mouth. Oz then overdoes it again, continuing since he lost his waiter job,he can’t provide like he did on the island. Uh, what? Quit while you’re ahead, Shecky. The rip on Probst was great, but now you’re doing that spotlight hog thing. Amanda confirms they’re still together. I’m sure they’ll be happy for many years, and have many effortlessly athletic if bland children. Just don’t milk it any further, you two. I don’t wanna see you on Amazing Race any time soon.

Do you really care that Mary is dating Ryan O. from Survivor: Pearl Islands? Neither do I.

The three finalists for the absolutely unnecessary Sprint Player of the Season are Amanda, Ozzy and James. The gravedigger wins, just as he did the previous season. Big shock.

Jeff wants to quickly check in with the rest of the flotsam, so here we go…

Jonny Fairplay’s scary wannabe supermodel of a wife had a child who is already suing for emancipation.

After a quick clip of Joel half-murdering Chet in the tethered obstacle course debacle, the firefighter gives Chet props for sticking through all the crap Joel put him through.

Jeff tells Tracy he believes she was “underrated” this season, but not by me as I sang her praises quite loud as you will recall. Tracy says she couldn’t play it any different. When you elect to go on the show, “you gotta own it.” Abso-freakin’-lutely.

Mikey B.’s mom got sick when he left to do the show, and passed away last month. Thanks, that’s a real upnote to end things on.

Next season, eighteen Americans whom I’m betting will be predominantly white and under 30 will be sent to West Africa to suffer and avoid being eaten by stock footage of wild animals. This will be the first season shot in high-def, so you’ll be able to make out each and every sore that forms on the castaways’ limbs as if they were your own. Let’s call it Survivor: Gabon - Earth’s Last Eden. After this incredible season, which brought blessed deliverance from the twin agonies of Fiji and China and reminded us why we love this show, which easily ranks as one of the best if not the best season, how can next season not absolutely suck? Guess we’ll find out.

Have a super-duper summer. If you’re looking for something to watch between now and the fall, Burn Notice, Mad Men and best of all, The Venture Brothers begin new seasons over the next few weeks. If you’ve never seen any of these shows before, you owe me a debt of gratitude you can never really repay.

Gabon starts filming the end of June, and debuts in September.

‘Til then! Thanks for reading this year!

BY GARY SHERWOOD

Amanda Kimmel will win Survivor: Micronesia. You know, barring a blindside or crippling injury, but what are the odds of that? Oh, yeah… And Erik really is the dumbest guy to ever play this game. I mean, forever and ever, amen.

But first…Dabu, Night 33. The tribe is still reeling from Amanda’s surprise playing of the Immunity Idol at Tribal Council. “I didn’t have it when I told you guys I didn’t have it,” she explains, sort of. Cirie admits Amanda is good, as “she almost had me at the brink” to force a tie vote. Oy vey, not this again. Cirie, there are worse things in this life than a tie vote at Tribal Council. Like Iran having a nuclear weapon, or Big Brother getting picked up for another season.

Day 34. Erik and Natalie confer, agreeing that “Parvati and Cirie are smart” enough to realize Amanda is popular with the jury. Erik is pissed at Amanda for “making me look like a fool” at Tribal Council. The two remaining “fans” agree to send each other to Exile Island if the other wins Reward, so they can find the reburied idol. But then Erik tells us, “Nothing’s set in stone… I can’t trust anybody but I do have to pick sides.”

Amanda, Cirie and Parvati agree Erik has to go next. “We don’t want Erik or Natalie going to Exile Island,” Amanda says. Cirie orders Amanda to “get in [Erik’s] head,” and Miss Montana does just that. Lord knows there’s plenty of space. Erik tells her he thinks he can win Reward. Knowing he’ll likely be able to share it, Amanda says, “If you pick me, I’ll pick you.” Erik agrees, and Amanda suggests they team up as he’s the most physical and she’s the most strategic. Erik says that’s just what he was thinking. The poor boob then spills his agreement to send Natalie to Exile Island, and Amanda plays him like Eric Clapton plays a Stratocaster. She says Natalie wants to send him to Exile so he’ll be weakened before the Immunity Challenge. Erik buys it, and Amanda suggests he send Parvati instead since she’ll be “lazy” and won’t bother looking for the idol.

For a Reward of a helicopter trip to a luxury resort (no car again!), the castaways are asked questions about past seasons of the show. First to get four right wins.

1) On which season of Survivor did a castaway have a pet snake? The answer is Pearl Islands, where Rupert had a pet snake named Balboa. I believe he was later used as stock for soup. (The snake, not Rupert.) Cirie and Erik get it right.

2) In which season of Survivor did a shark bite a survivor and the survivor bit it back? The answer is All-Stars, where a shark bit Rich Hatch’s arm. Rich also hid matches up his butt, did you know that? Amanda and Natalie get this one.

3) In which season of Survivor did a tribe mate ask another tribe mate to pee on his hand after being bitten by a poisonous sea urchin? The answer is Marquesas, where John asked Kathy to give him primetime’s first golden shower. Erik got this right.

4) During which season of Survivor was a castaway evacuated after falling into the campfire? Of course, this greatest Survivor moment ever happened in Australia, when Michael Skupin got a little careless and his hand ended up looking like a melted mozzarella stick. All the castaways get it, and this puts Erik at three right. One more and he wins.

5) During which season of Survivor were castaways first divided into four separate tribes? The answer is Exile Island, where the tribes were divided into older men, younger men, older women, and girls we want to look at. Erik gets this right and wins Reward.

First, who does he send to Exile Island? Erik sends Parvati, eliciting a not happy look from Natalie. Next, who does he want to share the Reward with? Erik chooses Amanda, as he gave his word. Natalie now looks very not happy. Skipping over, Amanda thanks Erik for keeping his word. “Totally redeemed yourself.”

“Well, that was a doozy,” gripes Natalie as she and Cirie return to camp. She says if Erik really wants to get Amanda out of the game, he shouldn’t give Parvati a chance to find the idol. “Erik is a little weasel,” comments Cirie. She then tells us how much she enjoys turning Natalie against Erik. The only pleasure she gets missing Reward is “watching Natalie stress out.” The Reward chopper mockingly flies over, Erik waving.

Oh my god, I want to go to Micronesia! The helicopter footage is amazing. Green cones of flora and black lava rock jut out of crystal blue water. “I’m really glad you came with me,” shouts Erik to Amanda over headphones. Erik feels he couldn’t relax with Natalie, plus he wants to ingratiate himself back with Amanda. “Let’s get out of the game for a day,” Amanda shouts back. The two of them get massages and pedicures, Erik revealing he’s never been to a spa. “Really?!?!,” gasps Amanda, as if the boy admitted to strangling neighborhood pets. Ladies, I got news for you. Most men have never, nor will ever, go to a spa. Nor will we ever see that screechy Sex and the City movie no matter how much you beg. Amanda and Erik eat dinner, the latter feeling stressed about having to choose a side. “I work in an ice cream parlor,” he explains. “I don’t make these decisions about people.” Amanda tells Erik he needs to step up, and he agrees. “I need to be an ice cream man instead of an ice cream boy.” Reach for the stars, Erik.

Exile Island, Day 35. Parvati wastes no time in taking full advantage of this opportunity…to look freakin’ blast furnace hot. Our girl sunbathes and if you have a heart condition, best to turn away ’cause the camera does one of those slow glides over Parv’s fine foxy boxing frame which is four full seconds of televised bliss. Good to know Mark Burnett will still unleash the unapologetic cheesecake when the moment presents itself. Parv could care less about the idol because “we have the numbers.”

Amanda and Erik return to camp. “Don’t try to look pitiful,” Cirie teases. “I won that same challenge in my season.” Natalie welcomes them back by sitting alone and banging a machete against a block of wood. Way to stay busy, girl. “Returning to camp was very bad,” Erik tells us. Speaking with Cirie under the shelter, Erik says he knows Natalie is resentful. Whatever he does, someone will be upset. As Natalie passes by, she overhears the genius say aloud, “Me, you and Parv should go to the end.” Cirie asks who they should vote out, and he answers “Nat or Amanda.” Natalie is furious. “I could’ve literally bitch-slapped him,” she mimes. “Slapped him like his mother.”

Cirie and Natalie tell Amanda about Erik’s plans to eject her, and Amanda says she’s not surprised. “Uh, I might have screwed up quite a bit,” Erik admits as he sees the girls talk. Amanda tells him, “You need to pick one side or the other because you keep on flipping.” You have to feel a little sorry for the guy as he moans, “I make so many mistakes.” Erik needs to win Immunity. “It’s like the animal kingdom. You fail and you die.” I have friends at Disney who say the same thing.

BY GARY SHERWOOD

Watching the previouslies where Natalie mimes flossing with Jason’s jugular, I realize now I was mistaken to say she had “bunny choppers.” I was wrong and I’m sorry. Upon seeing her again, I now realize Natalie has horse teeth. Really big piano keys all the way around, not just her incisors. Just wanted to clear that up before getting to this week’s shenanigans.

Survivor Medical Services, Night 30. It’s a boat anchored not far from Tribal Council. A doctor examines James’ sliced finger. It reminds us he needs those massive meat hooks for digging six-foot deep holes. Those lazy ass dead folk ain’t about to dig their own graves any time soon. The doc warns if James’ finger doesn’t improve by morning, it’ll need surgery. It’s just the sort of cheery note to cue opening credits. Returning to Dabu later, James tells the women his finger is just inflamed but “It’s gonna be alright.”

Day 31. While James works with one hand, Alexis is hobbling around camp. She was out walking in the dark last night and “ate it really, really bad.” There are Marines serving in the Sunni Triangle suffering fewer casualties. “I know this is bad because I’m a nurse,” confides Cirie, “but there’s two less people I have to fight against for one million dollars.”

The castaways file in for the Reward Challenge, getting a good laugh at the statues made in their sort-of-likenesses. They look more like caricatures made at a friend’s 50th birthday. You can recognize the hair color and approximate shape of the face, but everything else is just pure sideshow mirror. Jeff tells the tribe they’ve been out here awhile, and it’s time for a little love from home. First to materialize from the jungle is Parvati’s mom Gail. She’s followed by Erik’s brother Curt, who comments on his bro’s appearance. “I got a beard! I got a beard!,” Erik chirps, then points to the host. “There’s Jeff Probst!” Jeff good-naturedly says, “You’re such a freak.” Out next is Natalie’s mom Rocky (which I pray is short for Raquel), Alexis’s brother Nathan, Amanda’s almost-but-not-quite-as-hot sister Katrina, James’ dad James, Sr., and finally Cirie’s husband Clarencio, aka Honey Bunny, aka HB (that took more time to research than my bachelor’s thesis). The winner of today’s challenge and their loved one will go to Jellyfish Lake and swim with its non-poisonous denizens. Also, Exile Island and the hidden idol are back in play. The castaways fill out a survey asking questions about the tribe. After the surveys are collected, they have to guess whose name came up the most often in answer to each question. Whoever guesses right gets to take a machete swing at one of three ropes suspending a rival castaway’s grotesque statue. Last one to still have a statue still hanging wins. Question 1) Who does the most for the tribe? The answer is James. Forgive me, but life is short so I’m not going to catalog every machete swing (even though I did write them down like the Survivor geek I am). I’ll just tell you who takes multiple chops. James suffers two this round, one from Alexis and one from Parvati. Question 2) Who never shuts up? The answer is Parvati. This time, it’s Alexis who takes two chops, from Erik and James. Question 3) Who mistakenly thinks they’re in control of this game? The answer again in Parvati. James and Cirie both take chops that finish off Parvati’s statue with a satisfyingly loud CRASH. Mrs. Shallow doesn’t look so happy to have flown 3,000 miles just for this. Question 4) Who is the most honest? The answer is Alexis. Only Cirie got this right, and her swing takes out Erik’s statue. Question 5) Who are you least likely to invite to a family dinner? The answer is James. Huh??? James will eat anything - I mean ANYTHING - and happily ask for seconds. Plus he’ll open beer bottles with his teeth. He’s like the first person I’d invite. But the castaways think otherwise, unleashing an orgy of statue destruction. Alexis finishes off James, prompting Daddy James to murmur he’s gonna talk about that girl when he gets home. James knocks out Cirie. Amanda knocks out Natalie. This leaves only Alexis and Amanda’s statues remaining, suspended by one rope each. And it’s Cirie’s turn to swing. Cirie thinks, then chops the rope supporting Amanda’s statue. “Sorry,” she squeals. Alexis wins Reward. Told she can choose two other castaways and their loved ones to accompany her, Alexis picks Cirie and HB, and Natalie and Rocky. And who is she sending to Exile? Amanda waves her hand, and Alexis gives Amanda her wish. “Can I give my sister a hug goodbye?,” Amanda asks. “Nope,” says evil Jeff, telling Amanda to get her sweet non-tiled-out ass on the Exile express. Jeff also orders James to have Medical look at his finger.

Dr. Carolyn Sein, PhD in Survivor Ouchies, looks at James’ finger and declares, yes, it’s been cut alright. Thank god, we’d be lost without modern medicine. Jeff strides into frame and asks to be caught up. Dr. Sein says in this environment, a cut that deep can become infected and spread to the joint. “What’s the call?,” Jeff asks. The doc says it’s too big a risk to keep James in the game. Jeff tells James most of his tribe is away at Reward, but he can say goodbye to Erik and Parvati. Despite their recent friction, Parvati is genuinely sad to see James leave the game like this as “I have so much respect for him.” Wiping away tears, Parvati says, “It’s gonna be so lonely without him.” “I know,” agrees Erik. “Only man left.”

At Jellyfish Lake, Alexis, Cirie, Natalie and their loved ones swim with what Jeff has casually assured them are non-poisonous jellyfish. Hey, that’s why CBS has them fill out 12 pages of releases. I must say, it does look pretty cool. The jellyfish look like floating orange blossoms, and the water is crystal blue. “It was magnificent to see nature like that,” comments Cirie. She admits the experience helped to open her eyes. “Everything is not a threat.”

On Exile Island, Amanda feverishly searches for the idol. She finds clue after clue, until the final one telling her the idol is buried back at camp under the tribal flag.

That night, the Rewardees return. Parvati informs them of James’ evacuation. Alexis, still hobbling on her one good leg, says “it’s very terrifying” someone could be taken out of the game for an injury. Cirie confides this puts the all-woman alliance in a “weird space” because if they can’t beat Erik at the next Immunity Challenge, they’ll have to “start eating each other.” The gals wonder what they should do.

Day 33. Alexis is moving sloooow. Seriously, Walter Brennan could beat her in a marathon. “I got no stability on it,” she confesses. Asked whether she can do seven more days, Alexis quickly answers yes. “So you don’t want us to vote you out?,” asks Parvati. Alexis answers no, not an option. She’s now worried Parvati might turn on her. Discussing who they should vote out if Erik wins Immunity, Natalie says she can’t beat Amanda in the Final Three. Parvati says she’s been with Amanda since the beginning and cannot turn against her now. “I just won’t.”

As the tribe assembles for the Immunity Challenge, Amanda returns from Exile and is informed of James’ unscheduled departure. Jeff recaps that’s three people who have left the game this season under circumstances other than being voted out. “Definitely a Survivor first.” For Immunity, the castaways will fire a “high-powered rifle” at colored sake bottles. First to take out three bottles wins. Even though the weapon looks mean enough - it’s some sort of prop .50 caliber machinegun redesigned to fire single shots - it’s clearly just firing a plastic projectile and not a good ol’ all-American bullet. When fired it doesn’t make a deafening report, but a lame thwack. You can approximate the sound slapping your thigh. So, the challenge kinda sucks due to being no more dangerous than pin the tail on the donkey. Not to come off as some sort of gun nut, but if you’re gonna tell the castaways and audience the challenge involves a high-powered rifle, let’s get out an honest-to-god Remington .30-06 and ear protection. Anywaaaaaaay… I’m not going to detail the whole thing shot for shot ’cause, again, life is short and I’m not all that enthralled with a big Nerf cannon. Let’s just skip to where Erik and Natalie end up tied with two hits each. As Erik lines up his next shot, the ladies look at each other with pained expressions. “Erik can close it out here,” says Jeff. And that’s just what Erik does, once more winning Immunity.

Back at camp, Amanda tells the others she did not find the idol and shows her bag is empty. “That’s okay,” says Parvati. “It’s cursed anyway.” Hey, remember the chickens from like twenty-five episodes ago? The ones Chet whispered to? Looks like at least one is still alive, but not for long. Erik lifts the poor pecker out of its cage, and Natalie a little too eagerly volunteers to kill it. But before we can see the decapitating delirium, the camera follows Amanda and Parvati into the jungle. Amanda says the idol is at camp. So who should they vote out? Parvati thinks Alexis is the biggest threat. Really? On that leg? Amanda more sensibly reasons it’s Natalie. Looking down the road to the endgame, Parvati doesn’t know if she can trust Erik. “Find that damn idol, lady,” she orders Amanda. Erik confers with Alexis, agreeing Amanda is the toughest competitor and should go home. “Luckily she doesn’t have the idol and that’s a good thing,” says Erik, dropping an anvil the size of a Buick. Speaking with Amanda, Erik bluntly says he’s either voting for her or Parvati. Amanda is disappointed Erik doesn’t remember how she voted out Ami to keep him in the game. “That’s what bothers me, Erik.” The boy is unmoved, admitting he’s probably going to vote for Amanda because she’s such a threat. Preparing the chicken dinner, Erik tells Cirie they’re voting out Amanda. Cirie agrees, saying it’s sad to see Amanda go but it’s the game. Still she confers with her old ally, saying she’d rather see Alexis go but the others don’t. Amanda tears up, asking Cirie to vote with her and Parvati. And here’s where things get confusing. Cirie says if she doesn’t vote for Amanda, the result will be a tie, they’ll have to draw rocks, and “I’ll still lose.” Say wha–? Is Cirie thinking she’s on the chopping block? Because if that’s the case, we’ve seen no hint of that, and I want a word with the editor. Amanda and Cirie speak very fast, very quietly, and Amanda becomes more emotional, so all I can do is rest my pen and wait for this frustrating exchange to finish. Thank the good lord it finally does, and the tribe settles down for its chicken. All except Amanda, who digs under the flag. If she doesn’t find the idol, “I’m gone.”

At Tribal Council, the jury is now Eliza, Ozzy, Jason…and one more. Moving slowly but purposefully is James with - get this - a freakin’ IV stand! James may not have been the most politically astute player, but no one can say he’s not among the studliest. Asked about her time on Exile Island, Amanda said she looked for the idol but couldn’t find it there. When asked who are the biggest threats, Cirie names Erik and Amanda. Tearing up again, Amanda says Parvati is the only one she knows who’s voting with her tonight. As for Erik, he’s nice when he wants something but he “finds greener grasses” when he no longer has any use for an ally. Natalie says Amanda is the biggest threat because “she’s done no wrong to anyone on the jury.” Alexis says they all “adore” Amanda and that’s why they respect her enough to be upfront about voting her out. Continuing, Alexis says she respects everyone left on the tribe and would tell any of them the same. Time to vote. Cirie holds Amanda’s hand, and Amanda puts an arm around Parvati. Once everyone has cast a vote, Jeff announces now is the time to play the idol if anyone has it. “About that, Jeff,” Amanda says, her tears magically disappearing. Eliza once more goes into fits as Amanda presents Jeff with a little something she dug up back at camp. Jeff explains the idol makes any votes cast against its bearer worthless, and this is indeed the idol. Sure ’nuff, Amanda racks up four votes but so what? The two votes she and Parvati cast for Alexis are enough to send the latter hobbling away. An ecstatic Eliza slaps Ozzy’s leg, and he finally smiles. “You guys are perfecting the art of the blindside,” Jeff declares. “That is the good news. And that is the bad news. Pick up your torches, head back to camp.”

In the Penthouse

Amanda - Just when I was about to write her off for being too passive and over reliant on stronger players, Amanda saves herself in awesome style. Love how the tears at Tribal Council were really a smokescreen for the third blindside in a row.

In the Doghouse

No one this week. Everyone fought hard and thought hard.

Commercials: Mom, Ellen, I love the both of you to tiny pieces, but if you think I’m getting you something from Kay Jewelers for Mothers Day, you’re certifiably insane; Mythbusters on CSI! That’s like a TV Reese’s Cup!

Next time, all the women try to win over Erik. It’ll be the last regular episode of the season before the finale, so we may also see a return of the car reward. Or not…

‘Til then!

by GARY SHERWOOD

Dabu, Day 28. The tribe sits at the fire. Ever the good sport, Erik tells the Parvati Patrol he understands why they blindsided Ozzy and says they made the right decision. Off by themselves, Amanda and James confer. The latter also admits the blindside was a good move. Amanda is not happy, though, saying Parvati and Cirie “made me look like an idiot.” She continues that “they want the men out of here.” Now James is concerned. Amanda confesses, “It definitely told me they’re here to play this game. Like game on. Bring it on. Let’s do this.” If by “do this,” you mean roll opening titles, we can do that.

Back at the fire, Cirie comments on James’ finger. He has a nasty cut which he’s been treating with coconut juice. As a trained nurse, it’s Cirie’s considered opinion that a damp cave and a camp teaming with vermin may not be the best place to tend an open wound. “Oh my god,” Parvati tells us, “I need to do some serious damage control today.” She finds James, and tries to explain she’d be a fool to take Ozzy any further. When James asks who she plans on bringing with her to the Final Four, Parvati bluntly tells him the “three girls” (I count four other women, so I wonder which one she plans on shafting). “I’m sorry,” Parvati says. James replies, “Sorry’s too easy. Sounds like haha to me.” (How great would it be if basso profundo James suddenly did the high-pitch Nelson Muntz haha? Alas, he doesn’t. But a man can dream.) James continues that, “they always have to eat the apple.” Getting defensive, Parvati says, “You wouldn’t credit me with a plan anyway.” James counters, “I don’t think you’re stupid. Just selfish.” True, but who on that island isn’t? Why else would you go on this show? Once more, James is bewildered that people are actually strategizing. Love the big guy, but he hasn’t learned a thing since China. Parvati moves onto Amanda, assuring her she’s “not out of the loop.” Amanda tells us, “Parvati is pretty much running the show at this point.” In other news, the sky is blue. Seeing their powwow, Cirie ambles over. She tells Amanda they trust her, but they knew she’d be unhappy when told they were voting out Ozzy. Parvati and Cirie tell Amanda she’s in their Final Three. Cirie wraps her big arms around Amanda, saying, “I feel so bad for you!”

No Reward Challenge this episode. Instead, each castaway has been given $500 for the Survivor Auction. The new wrinkle this season is neither money nor won items can be shared. ‘Cause let’s face it, that’s just plain communism. Jeff brings out the first covered item, which Cirie wins for a bid of $120. Jeff lifts the cover to reveal a hotdog and fries. Erik wins the next covered item for a bid of $80. Jeff says he can keep it, or choose another covered item. Erik makes the trade. Jeff reveals item number one was a jarred octopus. He lifts the cover on item two, and Erik is happy to see he won a plate of nachos. Natalie wins the next covered item for $40. It turns out to be a big bowl of fruit bat soup. Mm-mmm good…except for the fruit bat part. Natalie turns away, but James asks if he can have it. Jeff says sure, and James swoops down. He rips off the bat’s skin before devouring it. “That’s the secret.” I would think the secret is NOT EATING IT but what do I know? Jeff now brings out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and the effect is like Justin Timberlake strolling into a sorority. The women go absolutely mental outbidding each other until Amanda wins. Natalie wins the next covered item, which is a bottle containing a note instructing her to choose one person to go to Exile Island immediately. Knowing he’s the odd man out, Jason pleads not to go. Natalie asks whether the hidden idol has been replaced, and Jeff confirms it has. Picking Jason, Natalie rationalizes this could be a “good thing” if he finds the idol. “Maybe this time he’ll get a real one,” snarks Jeff, not missing a beat. As a bonus, Natalie also gets Jason’s money. Thus loaded she’s able to bid a whopping $380 on the next covered item, a chocolate cake the size of my living room. There’s “another layer to it,” Jeff says. Kindly remove your elbow from my ribs, Probst. A note attached orders Natalie to share the cake with three others. They will then have sixty seconds to wolf down as much as they possibly can. Without hesitation, Natalie calls over Parvati, Cirie and Alexis. As Jeff’s signal, the four women are a blur of hands and mouths. Staring with envy, Erik offers $20 to whoever lets him lick their fingers. When the mad minute is up, Cirie lets Erik lick her fingers, but for $40. Erik gladly pays it, moaning “oh baby” as he slobbers over Cirie’s chocolate-covered digits. “Oh, that’s sad,” marvels James. “Something’s wrong with that boy. He definitely has problems.” So says the man who just ate bat soup. With that, the auction is closed.

Back at camp, Parvati comments Jason was indeed lucky to be picked to go to Exile Island. “If he gets the idol,” Natalie says, “I’m gonna lose it.” She continues, “That little bitch now has two days of sunshine” in which to search for his salvation. Parvati says Jason has been on the biggest lucky streak ever.

At Exile Island, Jason reads the clues and, as he searches, comments things have changed for him. He believes Natalie and he can work together, since she kept her word about not voting for him and voted out Ozzy instead. Delusional beyond all measure, he continues that it’s in Natalie’s interest to keep him. Jason does in fact find the idol - one not made out of popsicle sticks - and tells us Natalie sending him out here was a strategic move on her part. He seriously believes he’s now part of her alliance. You know, every week I think this poor guy can’t be any more stupid. But there ya go.

Cirie tells the women they have to plan as if Jason has the idol. That means half will vote for James, while the others vote for Jason. They also plot to let Natalie get in his head, as they know he trusts her. Alexis comments this is pretty similar to voting out Ozzy, as they’ll have only one chance to blindside him. “If this goes,” Natalie confides, “this will just be brilliant.” She ain’t wrong. Twice in a row, the women will have blindsided the stronger guy with the Immunity Idol. By the way, who is this Natalie person and where did she come from?

Dabu, Day 30. Before coming back to the castaways, we bring you this footage of a parrot ripping the head off a lizard. With that disturbing imagery fresh in our consciousness, we join the tribe pondering Tree Mail which mentions something about déjà vu or whatever. Trust me, it’s not that important. Erik mentions it’s his 22nd birthday (so it’s November 27, 2007, for those of you who keep track of such things, Nick) and he’d really hate to get voted out today of all days. Natalie confides as “evil” as the women are, they want Erik to have a good birthday and he’s not going home tonight.

Jason returns as the tribe gathers for the Immunity Challenge. All eight will throw rocks at tiles. Those tiles contain puzzle pieces (yeah, they had to come back sometime). The first four to knock out their tiles move onto the second round, where they have to dig up a key and assemble their puzzle, which lowers planks. The first two will progress to the third round in which they’ll use their planks to cross a rope bridge. First to make it to the platform at the end of the bridge wins Immunity. Before the fun starts, Natalie manages to pull Jason aside and inform him James is going home tonight so the gravedigger must not be allowed to win. Fat lotta good it does, as James moves ahead anyway to round two, along with Jason, Erik and Amanda. The three guys find their keys rather quickly, and it comes down to Erik and James going into the final round. Erik’s slow and steady approach with the planks gets him over the bridge quicker than James, who’s ungainly hastiness dumps him into the water. Erik wins to the not-very-discreet relief of the women, who cheer his victory. Parvati screams, “Happy birthday!,” and Natalie blows him a kiss.

“So far, Part A of the plan is perfect,” Parvati confides. I’ve been calling her alliance the Parvati Patrol, but she comes up with a much better name. “It’s like the Black Widow Brigade,” Parvati informs us, as the women will spin the guys round and round before “devouring them one at a time.” As Jason heads off to, I don’t know, fish or snipe hunt, Cirie asks where’s his stuff? Not wasting a second, Natalie rifles Jason’s things and finds he indeed has the idol. Erik shakes his head, but is it in admiration or condemnation of the women’s ruthlessness? Cirie wonders whether Jason will use it. Natalie doesn’t think so, based on the fake out conversation she had with him before the Immunity Challenge. But just to make sure the fish has taken the bait (and to provide us with some more laughs), Natalie works further mojo on Jason She tells the poor sucker she intentionally sent him to Exile in order to get the idol. Jason thanks Natalie for keeping her word when she voted out Ozzy, and swears she has his word in return. He tells Natalie he found the idol, and Natalie does a heroic job of not asking whether it’s just a twig with SEKRIT IDOL written in felt tip. The big clown compliments Natalie on her game savvy in sending him to Exile Island. He promises his word is good. Meanwhile, James and Amanda confer. The latter isn’t sure what to do. She knows the plan is to vote out Jason, but James tells her he’s writing down Parvati and hopes Amanda will join him. James doesn’t think Jason is so stupid he won’t play the idol. Amanda isn’t so sure. Hanging out with “his” alliance, Jason looks very pleased with his damn self. Natalie confides she imagines “flossing my teeth with his jugular.” It’s either him or James going home; the women are just “picking them off one by one.” After two-and-a-half months, it’s nice to see Natalie get some face time but girlfriend’s got size six teeth in a size two head. You win this thing, promise you’ll do something about those bunny choppers.

As the tribe sits for Tribal Council, Eliza and a bitch-faced Ozzy take their seats on the jury. Jeff says when the tribe voted out Ozzy, they got rid of their biggest provider. Parvati answers they all do a good job of providing. Jeff points out as James is next big physical threat he must feel threatened. James makes a point of naming Parvati as the instigator of Ozzy’s downfall, saying she’s doing what she has to do. “I could try to politic but I suck at that,” James admits. Erik feels the same as James, knowing he’s also in a bad spot. Asked whether he feels his social standing has changed since he willingly gave up Immunity so the tribe could eat, Jason says it has. He continues that going to Exile Island was a good opportunity, and he wants to now show his tribe mates what he can do. Asked whether someone can change their social standing this late in the game, Natalie says yes as the game keeps changing. After everyone casts their votes, Jeff says now’s the time to play the idol. Jason doesn’t play it, eliciting a big smile from Cirie. James racks up three votes and Parvati gets one (care of ex-man toy James), but Jason is finally put out of his misery with the remaining four. Playing very smart, Natalie betrays no reaction. Before being dismissed, Jeff tells James that medical needs to look at his shredded finger.

In the Penthouse

Natalie - It took eleven episodes, but we finally see her game. And it’s something fierce. The former missionary revels in being a stone cold bitch.

In the Doghouse

Jason - Anyone who hasn’t learned by now to use the freakin’ idol deserves to get the their dumb ass voted out. But he made for some good comic relief.

This is the third classic ep in a row. I am loving this season like none since…well, probably since Season 2 way back in ‘01. I couldn’t even begin to guess who’s going to win. We still haven’t seen Alexis really step up yet, but I get the feeling she’s gonna be a force to be reckoned with pretty soon. And I stand by my prediction than Erik is somehow going to miracle himself into the Final Four.

Next week, James gets his finger treated and the family members pay a visit.

‘Til then!

Malakal, Day 21.  In eerie pre-dawn, Ami and Cirie silently skulk through the bush.  Let me just say I don’t think it’s the first bush Ami has skulked through, but that’s another discussion.  They’re on the hunt for crab, and sure enough they find a "big ass one."  Ami runs it through with a machete, her signature prop for this episode.  "You guys are awesome," Amanda gushes as they prepare the crab for breakfast.  Ozzy eyes them warily.  He tells Ami he’s still smarting over being called the tribe’s leader.  Ami reassures Ozzy that Tracy tried to eject him but "I stopped anything crazy from happening."  Ozzy is still worried, but Ami swears, "You’re not in any danger."  Ozzy confides Ami’s reassurances are a little "too adamant" for his liking.

Airai, Day 21.  "I was dreaming about nachos last night," is Natalie’s one significant line of the episode.  That’s one more than Alexis gets.  The island’s rats are becoming more adventurous, scurrying around the camp fringes.  Jason grabs a spear and skewers one, to a collective "OH MY GOD!" from all the women.  He feels a little bad for killing a small animal, but they need the meat.  Jason’s pretty damn impressed with himself for reviving a Season 1 culinary tradition, but Parvati’s not exactly blown away by this show of machismo.  "I think he’s a loser," she sniffs.  Parvati and James lament how they miss their old Malakal pals and its calm lagoon.  Airai faces rough ocean.  "You can live on Malakal," says James.  "Over here is where they bring the criminals."  James is afraid Ami and Eliza will "scoop up" Alexis and Natalie after the merge.  Turns out it’s not Ami and Eliza he needs to worry about; it’s his foxy boxing gal pal.  Parvati powwows with Natalie, telling her she’s been playing in "stages."  The first stage was to make an alliance with fellow favorites to stay dominant.  Now as they get close to a merge, the new stage calls for a new alliance.  Parvati proposes Alexis and Natalie join with her and James.  Ozzy and James will be the first targeted, since they’re the biggest individual challenges.  Amanda will then be brought in to form a Final Four.  Natalie probably says something here, like it really matters.  Parvati so owns this game.  "Everyone else," she chortles, "they’re dead to me."  Rarely has a castaway pulled such a 180.  I really gave it to Parvati with both barrels when she was in the Cook Islands, but I’m seriously digging her this season.  She seems to have actually studied her last performance and is now plotting and scheming instead of just emptily flirting, planning several moves ahead without coming off like too much of an obvious game master.  It’s safe to say she’ll be Ozzy’s biggest threat after the merge.

Tree Mail arrives, instructing teams to choose a player from the rival squad to go to Exile Island and get Individual Immunity for tonight’s Tribal Council.  Eliza is less than thrilled, as they just had an Immunity Challenge and Tribal Council the day before.  Erik is hoping to either win the challenge or get the Individual Immunity, as he needs to survive tonight’s Tribal Council.

It’s raining as the tribes gather for the challenge.  The Airais have chosen Ozzy to go to Exile Island, while the Malakals originally chose James, but have crossed his name out and chosen Alexis for "balance" according to Ami.  That sure put the ever in what.  "Ready for today’s challenge?," asks Jeff.  "How ’bout what we’re playing for?," snarks Jason, sooo out of turn.  "How ’bout you give me the Immunity Idol back?," testily answers Jeff, once more having to put the little upstart in his place.  For Immunity, as well as pizza and beer, a pair of castaways from each tribe will have to negotiate an obstacle course and retrieve five flags while rival castaways swing weights at them.  Fast, physical, and not a puzzle piece in sight — what’s not to love?  Eliza and Jason run the course for Airai, while Amanda and Erik hustle for Malakal.  It’s a tight race, each side racking up their flags fairly quickly.  The swinging weights are really too slow to be effective.  One of the few times they connect, Amanda is able to shrug off the blow.  So it looks like we’re going to have an injury free challenge, right?  Ah, you know the answer if you saw one of the thousands of bloodthirsty promos CBS was running for this ep.  Rushing for Malakal’s last flag, Erik hurtles himself straight into a platform, ribcage meeting wood with a thump that shakes the trees.  Sucking up the pain, Erik continues after the flag, but it’s too late.  "Pizza and beer!," Jason triumphantly shouts as he brings in Airai’s fifth and final flag.  Airai wins it’s fourth straight Immunity while Malakal will have to vote off someone tonight, and it can’t be Exile-bound Ozzy.

Returning to camp, Ami asks Erik if he’s okay.  "It hurts like crazy," Erik groans as he takes off his shirt.  My mom just called.  She’s the sweetest, nicest person on the planet, and hates to see anyone get hurt.  But boy is she disappointed Erik’s lungs didn’t pop out his shoulder blades like the commercials promised.  "I think Erik is a genuine, good person," Ami tells us, but she doesn’t see how he can survive tonight’s council.

The Airais return in triumph, Jason proclaiming himself MVP.  He knows his position is precarious, but "luckily I hold the hidden Immunity Idol."  Oh, lord, I can hardly wait ’til that comes into play.  ‘Cause you just know Jeff is gonna milk it for all it’s worth when he tosses that useless thing into the fire.  Parvati says Eliza and Jason saved each other with their performance today, because they know they’re on the chopping block.  Four pizzas, garlic bread, and beer on ice arrive.  James bites the cap off his beer bottle because…well…because he can.  Just to show who’s still the big dog here, he bites the cap off Jason’s too.  Oh, James, if only there was a bit more game savvy to go with all that studliness, you’d be my favorite remaining castaway.  "Good day 21," Parvati comments as she enjoys her pizza.

On Exile Island, Ozzy plays dumb and helps Alexis search for the hidden idol.  His real motive, of course, is to see if anyone was rock stupid enough to take the fake one.  Sure enough, the bogus idol is gone.  "Aha!," he cries.  "Someone’s taken the bait!"  Like I said, it will be the best Tribal Council ever when that stupid thing finally comes into play.

Back at Malakal, Amanda and Cirie miserably stare out at the water.  "Oh, Amanda," Cirie sighs, "why can’t we win?"  They watch Erik swim by himself, commenting that the seemingly nice boy becomes a different person during challenges.  "I still remember when he dropped me on my freakin’ head," says Amanda.  Erik tells us "all the [other]fans are dead" so he has to pull out all the stops.  He approaches Amanda and Cirie, asking how much do they trust Ami?  He details Ami’s efforts to form an alliance with Chet and Tracy.  Carefully crafting his message, Erik stresses he likes Ami a lot but he has to tell the others about her true game.  Cirie confesses Ami can’t be trusted…while Ami is no more than ten yards away and watching the conversation.  Erik says they can take it or leave it, but there it is.  "My dilemma is who do I trust the least?," ponders Cirie as we go to a commercial warning us of Alvin and the Chipmunks coming to DVD, which of course is a preamble to the End of Days.

When we return, Ami tells Amanda and Cirie she’s not mad at Erik.  He’s just doing what he has to do to survive.  But she reminds the other gals she’s stood by them.  Cirie tells us she’s afraid Erik post-merge could team with the other "fans" and hook up with Eliza, but then again the other "favorites" could do the same with Alexis.  Ami says she’s never felt like she was really included with the other "favorites" and she really wants to be part of the team.  "No one ever said, ‘We want to fight with you.’"  Amanda quickly parrots the line back, and they laugh.  Amanda confides she knows Ami can’t be trusted, but better the devil you know.  Machete in hand, Ami approaches Erik and with more attitude than is necessary, tells him, "I owe you a favor."  She details how his talk with Amanda and Cirie ironically led to her bonding better with them.  Still holding that machete, she haughtily says, "So thank you."  I almost forgot how insufferable Ami gets when she thinks she’s on top, and from here on I want her gone.  Erik knows he’s screwed, so his plan is to appeal to Ozzy as soon as the non-leader returns.

Which thanks to the magic of editing is now.  Ozzy gets off the Exile boat, Erik telling him they lost the Immunity Challenge.  That bit of business out of the way, he gets right to it; "How well do you trust Ami?"  Erik once more spills about Ami’s overtures to the "fans" when they still had numbers.  But Ozzy just needs to know one thing; "Did Ami try to get me out?"  "Yes!," replies Erik, seeing the faintest glimmer of light at the end of a dark tunnel.  Ozzy tells us his game are simple; anyone who makes a move against him is out.  "I want Ami gone."  He tells this to Amanda.  "Ami was trying to get me out.  Ami’s a lying little…snot."  Amanda still argues they know Ami, but Erik’s still an unknown quantity.

The Malakals once again sit down to Tribal Council.  "Four times in a row," observes Jeff.  Cirie has no answer for why they keep losing.  Jeff reminds Erik (and everyone else) he’s the only "fan" left on his squad.  Erik knows his situation is bad.  "A week ago I was happy," he confesses.  Oh, Erik, it only gets worse as you get older.  Ozzy tells Jeff the original plan was for the "favorites" to band together and vote out the "fans" but "the game gets in the way" and "the favorites at the bottom start[ed] to play the fans."  Ami tears up, knowing Ozzy is talking about her.  Erik once more tells the tale of how Ami approached the "fans" for numbers.  Crying for the remainder of the council, Ami says she finally feels like she’s part of this tribe.  Ozzy wants to know when they made her not feel that way?  Ami swears she would never vote against Ozzy.  Asked how she’s determining her vote, Cirie answers, "You have to go with your gut."  Amanda says in measured tones, "Ami is a good person and I want to believe her."  And Ozzy, how does he feel?  "God, I want to really trust Ami."  Not so big without that machete, Ami bawls her eyes out, upset that Ozzy wouldn’t believe her.  Erik says he has no other option but to tell of Ami’s machinations.  "I have to tell the truth.  That’s all I have to give."  Ami swings for the bleachers, sobbing, "My heart is in this.  My heart is in this…  I know you know it."  All she wants is for the "favorites" to stick together, and she invokes James and Parvati like a martyr calling upon the saints.  "I swear I’ll give you everything I have!"  But Ami apparently has nothing they want, as she’s the eighth castaway voted out.

In the Penthouse

Erik, Malakal - Goes against some steep odds, using his powers of persuasion and fortuitous friendship with Ozzy to live and fight another day.  The others may soon regret this, however, as he has the makings of a tough individual competitor.

In the Doghouse

Ami, Malakal - I had a fair amount of sympathy for her until she "thanked" Erik with a machete cocked over her shoulder.  The poor kid weighs 110 pounds, thirty pounds of it hair.  Like what did she think he was gonna do?   

Next week:  MERGE!

‘Til then

 GARY SHERWOOD

Airai, Day 18.  "I was attacked by skeeters," groans Kathleen about having to sleep in the vermin-infested cave, and the other women commiserate.  James just shakes his big bald head at all their silly femaleness.  "They complain about the rain but they didn’t get wet ’cause we’re in a cave…  This is a game called Survivor."  Amen, brother.  "Today, this morning is a crap day," Kathleen says, the first choke of a sob coming on.  Kathleen thinks of her family and wishes she were home.  Sigh.  I wish Kathleen stayed home too.

Back on Malakal, Ozzy shows Erik the finer points of knocking coconuts out of a tree.  Apparently, there’s this thing called gravity which kinda helps.   Awestruck, or should I say, Oz-struck, Erik is encouraged to dare to be great.  "I can do that!," he exclaims.  "I can climb a coconut tree too!"  This is all a hoot to Cirie.  "Whenever he says Ozzy’s name, stardust comes out of his mouth!"  I don’t know why exactly, but that word choice…yikes.  As is Ozzy yelling, "You got good nuts now" to his young ward.  Gay panic, always good for a chuckle.  Cirie says if Ozzy proposed marriage, Erik would accept; "Done deal."  Wonder what those Ozlets would look like.  Now it’s Ozzy’s turn to have some giggles at Cirie’s expense, as he proposes the tribe row their canoe out to the back beach because the fishing is better.  Cirie may have boldly conquered her staggering fear of leaves, but water still unnerves her.  "Nothing’s gonna happen," says Ozzy as they row way the hell out there.  "Don’t worry."  Cirie goes along with the excursion to show some team solidarity, but it’s clear to her, "Ozzy is about numero uno, and that’s Oscar."  She stays in the boat while the others swim.

For a Reward of a trip to the "Herbalessense Great Escape Spa" (you can almost see the electric cattle prod used to make Jeff say this), four members of each team are blindfolded while the two remaining members yell commands so they can push a Micronesian money wheel over tiles which magically become puzzle pieces.  Micronesian money wheels!  Of course!  That’s how we’ll solve our financial crisis!  But first we have a challenge to get through.  As the Airais outnumber the Malakals, Natalie sits this one out.  Good thing, as we really need a break from all the attention she’s been getting.  She almost gets to say two whole sentences this episode.  A remarkable thing about this season is I’ve usually had no preference which tribe wins.  But for this challenge, my reptile guy brain demands an Airai victory because Alexis, Eliza, Natalie and Parvati are all dirty girls who need to get clean for daddy.  Preferably in slow motion.  Yeah, I know that also means Kathleen is gonna lather up, but it’s a fair trade.  Cruel fate, however, intervenes and it’s a win for Malakal.  Jason is selected to return to Exile Island.  Ozzy then asks Tracy if she’ll "take it for the team," and before she can really answer, she’s whisked off to Exile and loses out on the Reward she had a role in earning.  I usually like Ozzy, but he’s rather something of an ungracious rod during this episode.

The Malakals arrive at the spa, which is really just a couple of benches and a table full of goodies under a thatch roof.  It’s in a pretty locale, though, next to a misty waterfall.  One thing I gotta say for this show; they’re still able to make me wanna visit these places I never knew much about until seeing them on my little TV.  Strapping Erik into his highchair, Ozzy is proud the little guy is finally able to experience a Reward.  Whatever, Amanda needs to take a shower.  So does Ami, who never misses an opportunity to get zestfully clean with the young ladies.  Hey now, we got some tiled-out breasts, and there’s Ozzy, right between them.  Nothing new for this guy, if you know his background.  Cirie chooses not to join them, nor does Erik for reasons known only to him.  Maybe he doesn’t like seeing his man crush enveloped by so much boob.  Rain begins to fall.

The rain becomes a downpour as it hits Airai.  Kathleen remarks when you watch on TV, they show only about thirty seconds worth of the rain.  It’s a whole ‘nother thing being stuck in it "five or six hours non-stop."  Here come the tears.  James cuts up a raw clam for dinner.  Looks wonderful, all black and rubbery.  "It’s just savagery," Kathleen cries.  "It’s like you’re a caveman."  (Suddenly I wonder how Joel’s been doing since voted out.)  Night comes, and the tribe retreats into the back of their cave to elude the storm.  There’s not much sleep to be had as infrared cameras catch all manner of bats, rats and fist-size insects flitting and scurrying about the castaways.  "This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my life," wails Kathleen, rapidly approaching freakout velocity.  "This is the dumbest thing."  Next morning, she’s just a flickering mass of nerve endings and tear ducts.  James gives Kathleen a big hug, but even a gravedigger’s embrace can’t cheer her up.  Kathleen goes to the beach and…oy vey…tries to communicate with her daughter by sending out "vibes."  Shockingly, she hears no "vibes" in return.  "I couldn’t feel her," Kathleen bellows.  "I couldn’t feel my family!"  And here comes that big juicy breakdown we all saw coming from Day 1.  "I just can’t take one more minute.  I can’t."  The others try to offer sympathy.  Nicole says she’s not belittling Kathleen’s agony, but they’re all feeling just as miserable.  The girls pull Kathleen into the sun, but all she wants is a boat to take her away. 

Parvati tells us Kathleen has reached her breaking point, which is nothing we didn’t know, but what is a surprise is seeing Parvati referred to as a "charity organizer."  Excuse me, but whaaaaaa?  Last I remember, this chick was a foxy boxer.  So let’s check that CBS bio.  Ah, here we go:  "She and some fellow boxers have parlayed her passion for the sport into the creation of a non-profit organization titled "Knockouts for Girls," a charity that provides scholarships and boxing lessons for underprivileged girls. The organization recently held their first fundraising event that included boxing matches and a fashion show."  Boxing matches and fashion shows.  There’s a Reese’s cup of charity if ever there was one.  Okay, more power to the Parv.  Now back to Kathleen’s komplete kollapse…

The S.S. Probst pulls up.  "I got word that you wanted to see me," Jeff says as he joins the Airais in a circle of pain.  "I can’t feel my family," Kathleen repeats.  Jeff reminds her it’s Day 19.  "You’ve had it as tough as anybody…  But you’ve weathered all that."  Kathleen says she did the show for her sister and husband, but now she has to make this decision for herself.  Jeff, who usually isn’t exactly charitable towards quitters (check out his open contempt of Osten in Panama), goes surprisingly easy on her.  Maybe it comes with having done this gig for eight years now.  Maybe all his vitriol left with Jonny Fairplay on Day 3.  Or maybe he’s just as glad to see Kathleen leaving as we are.  Whatever, he sagely says this experience means different things for different people.  He asks once more if she really wants to go, and Kathleen answers most affirmative.  Jeff tells her to get her things.  As Kathleen gets on the boat, Jeff points out Airai is now "down to six, despite winning challenges."

Damn CBS to hell for putting that gun to Kathleen’s head, forcing her to fill out a 20-page application, make a video, come to L.A. for a round of interviews, and sign legal releases.  Seriously, are we still expected to believe these people were the hardest of hardcore fans?  Maybe Erik and Jason have watched and learned, but Chet and Kathleen may as well be on Antique Roadshow for all they contributed to this season.  Good freakin’ riddance.

As night falls on Airai, Alexis says, "Survivor continues for the rest of us."  Okay, but you better step it up too, honey.  Neither you nor Nicole have accomplished much besides being decoration.

Malakal, Day 20.  Referring to Ozzy’s boat excursion, Cirie tells Amanda, "I think you got a dose who Oscar really is."  I love how Cirie never lets anyone forget their strongest player is named after a Muppet grouch.  Amanda agrees Ozzy can be arrogant at times.  Cirie confides the boat trip was worth it if it brings Amanda to her side.  "Like shut up, Erik," Cirie says, regarding to the young fan’s adoration of Ozzy.  This makes Amanda laugh.  It’s clear she doesn’t like seeing Ozzy’s attentions being diverted from her.  Cirie proposes getting rid of Erik, as he’s becoming Ozzy’s closest ally.  Amanda says they’ll have to do it in such a way that Ozzy "still thinks he has control." 

As the tribes gather, the Malakals see Kathleen has left the game.  "What?!," Ami exclaims.  Jeff explains Kathleen’s departure, then it’s time to get to the Immunity Challenge.  One member of each tribe will run out over a wobbly water bridge with a toe line.  They’ll retrieve a bundle of - say it with me - puzzle pieces, which the tribe members will then winch back to shore, while the first member holds on.  Once they’re back with five bundles, two member of the tribe will assemble the puzzle which must form a perfect square.  To no one’s surprise, Ozzy gets a good lead for Malakal, what with all his running and swimming and godlike agility.  What is surprising is Amanda and Cirie choking on the puzzle assembly, letting Eliza and Jason get their square together first and winning the third straight Immunity for Airai.

"Hey, Ozzy, I’m so sorry about the puzzle," says Amanda as they return to camp.  "I feel like crap about it."  Am I the only one who smells the faint whiff of a thrown challenge?  Doesn’t seem like anyone else does.  Anyway, Ozzy insists they keep Erik.  He wants to dump Tracy.  Ami, however, wants to keep her.  "Sometimes you have to pull the dirty card to stay in the game."  Which is Ami-speak for tricking Amanda and Cirie into voting for Erik, while Erik, Tracy and her secretly vote for Ozzy.  Tracy tries her Jedi mojo on Erik, warning, "You’re next after me," if they don’t vote out Ozzy tonight.  Pushing the plot, she then asks Amanda and Cirie, "Would you rather go up against Erik or would you rather go up against me?"  Amanda and Cirie confer, now worried about the repercussions of going against Ozzy.  Hey, what happened to all that "like shut up, Erik" talk a short while ago?  "If I go against Ozzy," Amanda confesses, "I can pretty much kiss this relationship goodbye."  As usual, Ami is having second thoughts about tonight’s plan, debating whether to vote out Ozzy or one of the "fans."

At Tribal Council, Jeff gets right to business, saying this tribe is in trouble.  The only reason they have parity with Airai is because of the unscheduled exits of Jonathan and Kathleen.  Asked who’s emerged as the tribe’s leader, Tracy says Ozzy, as they do what he says, how he says, and when he says it.  Ozzy dismisses this as "ridiculous," claiming he only steps up to do what must be done.  Cirie says she sees where Tracy is coming from, as everyone tends to check with Ozzy first before they do anything.  Erik defends his deity, proclaiming Ozzy does what is necessary to keep the team strong.  All tremble before the great and powerful Oz!  Tracy says they should consider who will be the biggest threat down the line.  Hearing that, Ozzy says this "concerns" him.  He claims he’ll stay loyal to those he told he would.  Tracy argues they should keep her, as she’ll be the lesser threat.  "It’s black or white.  There’s no grey."  True that, but the blonde Jedi master still goes down in a hail of votes.

In the Penthouse

Eh, no one really knocked me out this week.  It was that kind of episode.

In the Doghouse

Kathleen, Airai - Thanks for wasting everyone’s time, including MINE. 

Commercials:  The CSI: Miami countdown has begun.  4 days, 8 hours, 12 minutes ’til this witless show returns to defile your  television.  Thanks for the warning, CBS.  And getting Britney Spears to guest on How I Met Your Mother  is a real savvy casting coup.  In 1999.

Next time:  "Ami and Cirie go on the warpath.  On Airai, Parvati makes new friends.  And the injuries continue to pile up."

‘Til then!

BY GARY SHERWOOD

Malakal, Day 15.  Tracy tells us she had to get rid of Joel, ’cause he was so hell-bent on voting out her invertebrate wingman Chet.  Working her Jedi mojo, Tracy tells Erik the "favorites" will be coming after him next.  Their best hope is to win over one of the "favorites," which I thought they had done with Cirie last week, but apparently that was a one-time deal.  Tracy works on Ami, who says she was never a part of the Ozzy foursome on the old Malakal, so she sympathizes with the "fans."  All five-year-old viewers scream with laughter as Ami makes use of the phrase "poop pants," which she claims not to be. 

Airai, Day 15.  Jonathan says his knee is feeling better, the camera angle hiding his crossed fingers.  James, with the usual assistance of subtitles, tells us losing Jonathan would hurt the team, as he’s a "good motivator."  Jonathan and Eliza agree the shuffle saved them, but now they have to get rid of James and Parvati before the merge.

For Reward, the tribes will have to swim out and collect bundles of sticks, rope and planks.  They will then have ten minutes to build a blockade through the other tribe’s tunnel.  First team that can dismantle the blockade and get all members through wins an overnight visit from two native Micronesians who will show these fools how to live off the land Micro-style.  As Airai has one more player, they have to sit someone out.  Despite his leg all but twisting off at the joint, Jonathan claims, "I could be very helpful," and so Natalie assumes the part of mute spectator, a role she takes to with silent vigor.  Malakal is initially ahead, thanks primarily to Ozzy’s inexhaustible energy.  Despite not being able to swim, Jonathan drags the blockade items to the tunnel.  It’s obviously painful, and he takes a fall at one point.  Nevertheless, Airai inches past Malakal in the crucial second stage.  "Penner pulling himself through," Jeff comments as Jonathan wrenches over the blockade.  Airai wins, sending Chet and Jason to Exile Island.  After the Malakals are sent home, Jeff declares, "Penner, medical’s gonna have to take a look at that knee."  Uh-oh.

A physician identified as Dr. Jessica Sartini shows Jonathan’s knee is developing an abscess the size of a cheese crepe.  He needs intravenous medication.  "God bless it!," exclaims Jonathan.  "I’m not quitting!"  Dr. Bringdown tells him the infection could reach his lymph nodes and blood stream, thus denying the world of a great character actor.  She recommends he go to the hospital.  Kneeling next to him, Jeff asks, "What can you do?"  The rest of the Airais sadly watch.  "Sorry guys," Jonathan says as his voice chokes.  "Bad luck on Johnny."  Eliza, who was just plotting to oust him two episodes ago, now cries her baseball-size eyes out as she hugs Jonathan goodbye.  "I loved hanging out with all you guys," Jonathan says.  "We need you," Kathy sobs.  "I need you."  Kathy tells us she only really knew Jonathan for three days, but she grew to love him.  "I’ll see you at the reunion," Jonathan promises as he makes his way to the evacuation boat.  "Hey," Jeff says offering his hand, "I hate to see you go."  As the boat takes off, Jonathan tells us, "I was kicking ass in this game.  I swear to God, I don’t wanna be out of this game.  But I don’t wanna lose my leg.  It was fun while it lasted."  Let me just say, I’m glad Jonathan was better appreciated this season than he was on Cook Islands, where he was too often portrayed as some sort of amoral weasel.  Even Jeff, who was trying to goad him earlier this season, apparently recognized here was a great player who was taken out not by other castaways, but by his own body’s immune response.  And damn, I’m gonna miss that hat.

Airai, Day 15.  "I needed Jonathan ’cause these girls drive me crazy," says James.  Not knowing Jonathan was scheming to get rid of him, James now believes the situation is not in his favor.  The two Micronesians (that word is too long - I’m gonna call them Micronauts) Joe and Edwin row ashore, with vegetables, an extra machete, knives, and other sundry items.  "Are you married?," coos Parvati.  Gotta love her.  If it has a Y chromosome, she’s on it.  The Micronauts show the Airais how to carve crab traps out of coconuts, as well as the best way to fish in the local waters.  Within a short time, even Parvati is reeling in dinner.  "There you go, baby!," exclaims Joe. 

Malakal, Day 15.  Amanda tells Ozzy and Cirie the "fans" are slowing the tribe down.  "We don’t work well as a team."  Cirie resents having to teach the "fans" everything.  This coming from the woman who just two years ago was terrified of leaves.  You just won my love back, Cirie.  Don’t lose it again.  Ami is sick of the bagging on "fans," especially from Cirie who she feels screwed her over by voting out Yau-Man.  Ami tells the "fans" she’s throwing in with them.  Meanwhile, Cirie wonders whether Jason has found the idol.  Ozzy and Amanda both look away and whistle.  Ozzy confides he really hopes Jason finds the mock idol and tries to use it.  Love how no one even remotely contemplates Chet finding it.

Exile Island.  Chet believes Ozzy already has the idol.  Plus, Chet has a chunk of coral embedded in his foot, so he’s just gonna take it easy.  I’m not sure how Chet can relax any further without being declared legally deceased, but that foot does look pretty gnarly.  While Chet lies on the beach, Jason goes into search mode and sure ’nuff finds Ozzy’s ridiculous fake idol.  "There you go, baby!," Jason exclaims, as a dorky ukulele mocks him.  "Well, I guess this is the Immunity Idol…  This is pretty incredible."  Let’s just delight as he continues to make a dope out of himself; "This means Ozzy doesn’t have it…  Sweet!"

Airai, Night 15.  Joe (or maybe it’s Edwin - all Micronauts look alike to me) shows how the coconut traps have caught crabs.  The tribe feasts on the day’s catch, and bottles are passed.  Asked how he feels about the "lovely ladies," James just gives a muted thumbs up.

As the tribes gather for the Immunity Challenge, the Malakals exclaim their shock that Jonathan is gone.  Jeff assures everyone that surgery was performed, and Jonathan is doing fine.  He then asks Jason how the search went for the idol.  Jason says he searched but gave up, as he assumes Ozzy must have it.  All eyes on him, Ozzy haltingly says either Jason’s not good at following clues, or someone else already found the idol.  For Immunity, the teams must transport two tribe members on a pair of stepping poles to towers in the lagoon.  Once those two tribe members have been successfully transported, all the remaining members must climb onto that tower.  First squad to do so wins.  Airai quickly gets a lead by doing more with less; they use just one stepping pole to first bring over Eliza, then Parvati.  The method is so much more elegant and effective, they’re even able to maintain their lead after Parvati falls on the first attempt and they have to restart.  "Great idea," cheers Jeff.  "Great execution by Airai."  The Malakals doggedly stick to two poles, and are only able to get Tracy across, when Airai wins.  "Creative thinking made that easy for you guys," says Jeff as he hands over the Immunity Idol.

Malakal, Day 17.  "I can’t believe Jonathan’s gone," sighs Amanda.  "Can you believe that?"  Chet asks for a fishhook to dig the coral out of his foot.  Yeah, it’s looking pretty nast.  Not as bad as Jonathan’s pus carnival, but certainly painful.  "I’m just a mess," says Chet, asking to be voted out.  "’Please do me a favor and vote me out,’" Ozzy quotes Chet.  "Was there any question of that happening anyway?"  Erik confides Chet thinks he’s doing the honorable thing by asking to leave the game, but the real honorable gesture would be to help out his fellow "fans" and blindside Ozzy at Tribal Council.  Ami seems aboard, but Chet says he’s spent, he’s ready to go.  Erik shamelessly pleads, arguing Chet using his "last dying breath" to pull off this coup would be the greatest play in Survivor history.  Tracy stays quiet.  Chet can only say he’ll think about it, as he’s not sure.

At Tribal Council, Jeff asks Cirie how she feels about Jonathan’s exit.  She says "it just sucks" for him to go out that way.  That’s mighty big of her, considering how they got along when they were on the same tribe.  Ozzy is also sad to see Jonathan gone, saying he’s seen Jonathan take worse punishment and keep going.  Asked whether what Jason said about Ozzy having the Immunity Idol made him think, Erik confesses it did.  Cirie wisely says she never believes anything at face value in this game.  Asked whether he’s concerned tonight, Ozzy says no since, "we all know who’s going home."  If he’s blindsided, Ozzy promises to jump naked off the pier.  We’re all thinking the same thing, right?  Thank God Joel didn’t make the same boast.  Chet does warn so far it’s never been the "obvious person" going home.  Amanda confesses she never feels too comfortable, ’cause once you do, you’re toast.  Ozzy stays silent when Jeff says now is the time to play idol.  But for once, it is the obvious person going home, Chet looking as relieved as his tribe mates.

In the Penthouse

Jonathan, Airai - Farewell, master thespian.  And on the same night Lost killed off Jin.  Just a really sad evening of TV.

In the Outhouse

Eh, no one really cheesed me off too bad this episode.  Maybe ’cause the premature loss of Jonathan mellowed out everyone a little.

Next week: "The fans at Malakal struggle to stay in the game (hustle, Tracy, hustle!) while the Airai tribe struggles to stay alive…"

‘Til then!

BY GARY SHERWOOD